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If you speak out loud for a living, your odds of saying something stupid are pretty good. If you used to play a game for a living, and now you’re talking out loud about that game on TV, then those stupidity odds are increased even further. And if you’re broadcasting about a game you once played, which involved getting your head smooshed by giant men on Sundays, then those odds are compounded exponentially. Now, I’m not saying everyone on this list is stupid, but the evidence below clearly shows they’ve all at least said some really stupid shit. But just because what they’ve said is stupid, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not funny.

Phil Simms
Dumbest Things Uttered By A Sportcaster
I was just going to call this list “Here’s 10 Reasons Why Phil Simms Is an Asshole,” but I was worried about breaking my computer over my skull while doing the research. Do Giants fans even like that guy anymore? I used to think I just hated him for dismantling my Denver Broncos back in the hard-time ’80s, but after enduring his analysis for too many years, I’ve realized it’s not so much what he says, which is horrible, but what he doesn’t say. This also goes for nincompoop Nantz, as they are both in the habit of completely ignoring some poor, yet-to-be-identified Bronco writhing in pain just offscreen. But as inept as Jim is, Phil almost makes him look smart. Take for example when Phil says, “For it to be a forward pass, it’s got to go forward,” while explaining the laws of propulsion during the 2012 AFC Wild Card game before Tim Tebow, God and the Broncos beat the Steelers in overtime.

Troy Aikman
Dumbest Things Uttered By A Sportcaster
When you’re getting put in your place by Joe Buck, your place probably shouldn’t be calling games. Aikman should live in the past, because his present is driving the rest of us to drink. Here’s a fine example of his new profession going horribly wrong: Aikman describes the Seahawks as being the only unbeaten NFC team, while announcing the Saints game, who just happen to be undefeated too; and last I checked, also in the NFC. God help me if I’m ever passive-aggressively corrected by Joe Buck.

Trent Dilfer
Dumbest Things Uttered By A Sportcaster
Trent Dilfer is starting to grow on me as an analyst, so much so that I actually hear some of the things he says nowadays. But it wasn’t always easy, as this gem clearly shows: “You cannot lose games in the NFL and still win.” Hard to argue with that kind of logic. However, it’s easy to argue about whether or not this is the stupidest thing he’s ever uttered, considering his Wikipedia page attributes Bald-Dilf with the catchphrase “turned a stinky sandwich into an ice cream cone.”

David Aldridge
Dumbest Things Uttered By A Sportcaster
Usually David Aldridge offers some cogent analysis and asks non-dumb questions. Alas, on this occasion, while interviewing Greg Popovich between the third and fourth quarter of a Spurs game, Aldridge didn’t choose his words wisely enough for the best coach in the NBA, and the analyst quickly realizes the error of his ways. There’s no happiness in basketball. None! I’ve never seen a sideline reporter look so sad during an interview before. It’s like Pop stared him in the soul and said: “You’re better than that, Aldridge.” I can only hope Aldridge went home and ran some suicides after. To be fair, querying a coach if he’s happy about shot selection is far from the dumbest question ever asked by a sideline reporter, but sometimes the stupidest questions can only be judged by the answers. This just goes to show you that men can’t handle the pressure of a courtside interview like women with cleavage.

Erin Andrews
Dumbest Things Uttered By A Sportcaster
Speaking of a woman with cleavage, I so long for the days when that’s all Erin Andrews was to me. Alas, now, as she speaks more, she’s becoming more and more like Joe Buck with cleavage. What a terrible thought. Look, I know that whole peephole thing was a violation, and I used to think the reason I don’t like her is because I’m disappointed in myself for looking so long and hard at the footage. But she’s been getting steadily more annoying with each appearance, especially since she does the same thing for “Dancing With the Stars” that she does for actual sporting contests that involve pads. Or at least cups, like the one Hunter Pence is presumably wearing in this shockingly bad World Series interview, where Andrews doesn’t justblatantly make up shit, but she asks Hunter Pence to go along with it. Then gets him to apologize.

Tim McCarver
Dumbest Things Uttered By A Sportcaster
I don’t think I purposefully picked all of Joe Buck’s broadcasting partners, but it does make sense that he’s surrounded by idiots, who are getting dumber every time they share a broadcast booth with the reviled Buck. Clearly McCarver has suffered more from Buckposure than most, judging from numerous hate groups organized in his dishonor, some with great titles, like “Tim McCarver doesn’t know anything and should be forced to live in the woods.” Pretty much every time McCarver picks up a mic, he says something preposterous, like when he said, “Yankees pitchers have had great success against Cabrera when they get him out.” But my favorite McCarverism was during the 1992 NLCS, when he talked trash about Prime Time Neon Deion Sanders’ plan to play both pro football and baseball on the same day. The reason it’s my favorite is because when the Braves won the pennant, Sanders dumped multiple buckets of ice water on his head as McCarver tried to conduct locker room interviews, which is far and away the best use of McCarver on television since his playing days.

Howard Cosell
Dumbest Things Uttered By A Sportcaster
In 1973, while Howie was likely drinking and broadcasting again, he called black Redskin Joe Washington a “little monkey.” Surprisingly, no one seemed to notice. But ten years later, with political correctness not quite a thing, and again versus our nation’s least politically correct NFL organization, while describing Redskins wide receiver Alvin Garrett’s elite quickness, Cosell said, “That little monkey gets loose, doesn’t he?” And that was pretty much the end of Cosell’s colorful career. But it matters little, because his legacy remains untarnished, since we all remember him for his influence on “Better Off Dead” anyways.

Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder
Dumbest Things Uttered By A Sportcaster
I used to watch a lot of sports when Jimmy the Greek was still allowed to speak publicly, but the only thing I remember about him is the above analysis of the NFL coaching landscape of the late ’80s, and how it related to “the blacks,” “the whites” “the Greeks,” and “the Jews.” I didn’t understand it then, but now I can see we probably should have expected some oversimplification of things by a guy who refers to himself as “The Greek.” But really, when you listen to what he’s saying, it’s not that bad. He thinks all the “thes” deserve an equal shot at coaching, even if that does mean the end of the whites in football.

Stephen A. Smith
Dumbest Things Uttered By A Sportcaster
If he wasn’t such an asshole, he’d just be Stephen Smith. But while Stephen A. has given pundits plenty to rant about, his espousing of the “Bitch Had It Coming” philosophy is his most assholish work yet. And it’s not just that he thinks women shouldn’t provoke “wrong actions” — like Ray Rice TKO-ing his fiancée — it’s that he tries to “employ the female members of his family” to quit provoking violent dudes.

Joe Buck
Dumbest Things Uttered By A Sportcaster
Joe Buck. Why do I hate him so? What has he ever done to me, personally, other than speak moronically and with obvious bias while I’m trying to watch the Broncos? Have I always hated him with such vigor? I know it’s gotten progressively worse. I’m sure it has something to do with my assumption that Joe only got the job because his dad was the once great Jack Buck. Poor Jack, so tragic to have your hard-earned and much-merited legacy forever tarnished by your own stupid son (who has made this whole world suffer). So, for the many pains Joe has inflicted upon so many, I refuse to pick just one Joe Buck utterance. As far as I’m concerned, the act of calling some of Buck’s words dumber than the rest would imply that some are less dumb.

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​THE 10 DUMBEST THINGS EVER UTTERED BY SPORTSCASTERS

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