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THE 10 ABSOLUTE WORST PLACES TO HAVE SEX, RANKED

THE 10 ABSOLUTE WORST PLACES TO HAVE SEX, RANKED

Sex is great, so not many of us complain when it happens. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some places to have sex that are preferable to others. By this I mean: you’d much rather bang in the penthouse of a Hilton than a rundown motel above an out-of-business convenience store, wouldn’t you?

This is why I’ve ranked the absolute worst places one can have sex, because while the phrase “sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad it’s good” is true, we’d still rather eat our pizza at home than, say, at the in-laws. So out of all the shitty places we all may have had sex, these are the worst of the worst.

10. Car
The Absolute Worst Places To Have Sex, Ranked
Of course, this is all dependent on the size of the car, so in this instance let’s assume it’s small. Like, Honda Civic small. While this is a popular place to have sex before you and she have places of your own, the car proves to have its share of challenges. Most of which regard space, as in, there isn’t much of it. It doesn’t help that backseats aren’t long or enough to lay down on, and usually result in a greenish/purple bruise later that week due to the seat belt digging into your hip. That, or the fact that if you choose to do it in the driver’s seat, your discretion is thrown out the window when her ass will (because you know it will) hit the horn.

9. Waterbed
The Absolute Worst Places To Have Sex, Ranked
The truth about sex on a waterbed is, instead of assisting you during penetration, it cruelly turns sex into an incredibly unnecessary workout, where you both end up trying your best to remain upright — so much that you don’t even consider pleasing the other person. Besides, if you still own a waterbed, you probably don’t really consider sex as an option, do you?

8. In A Shitty Hotel Room
The Absolute Worst Places To Have Sex, Ranked
As I alluded to in the introduction, sex in a shitty hotel room is pretty gross. Sure, you got a deal for the room on Groupon, but if you ever decided to shine a blacklight in the place, you’ll find out that with the amount of semen present, your girlfriend could possibly get pregnant if she even touched the bed.

7. Parent’s Home
The Absolute Worst Places To Have Sex, Ranked
Even though this was likely your only option as an amateur teen lovemaker, having sex there as an adult (either over the holidays, a weekend, whatever), is just weird. It’s a weird thing to do.

6. Shower
The Absolute Worst Places To Have Sex, Ranked
I blame film for the unwarranted appeal of shower sex. Anyone who has had it would agree that the result of shower sex is not at all worth the effort because, aside from it being very difficult to not slip and crack your head open on the tub, water actually makes the vagina even more impossible to penetrate for some strange reason. While I’ve found that silicone-based lubes remedy this vaginal mystery, there are still far more cons than pros regarding shower sex.

5. Hot Tub/Pool
The Absolute Worst Places To Have Sex, Ranked
It’s far better to fool around in a pool than it is to have sex in it. There’s too much bacteria (and subsequent infection) in those things to excuse the advantages to having sex in it — and there aren’t even that many. Many of the same issues occur as I mentioned about sex in the shower.

4. Airplane Bathroom
The Absolute Worst Places To Have Sex, Ranked
While everybody would like to join the notorious mile high club, everybody knows that actually attaining this level of sexual status is nowhere near as sexy as the media makes it out to be.

For starters, there’s barely enough room for one person in there, meaning, if you do actually get past the flight staff who probably has a good idea what you’re up to (good luck making that happen, by the way) her foot will probably have to rest in the dripping sink as you bang away to the best of your ability as the metallic paper towel dispenser jabs you in the back. Also, people shit in there, so, there’s that, too.

3. Public Bathroom
The Absolute Worst Places To Have Sex, Ranked
Another man’s butt trumpet is not the soundtrack to worthwhile sex. So when you have sex in a public restroom, you’re pretty much opening yourself up to a concert featuring a chorus of literal assholes. This kind of thing often trumps the appealing spontaneity of sex in a public restroom.

2. Next To Somebody Who Is (But Isn’t) Sleeping
The Absolute Worst Places To Have Sex, Ranked
You don’t want to be too loud or too rough because you don’t want to wake up your buddy who agreed to room with you. Except, in reality, he’s probably awake because you’re drunk, clumsy and loud as hell, meaning he knows exactly what’s going on with you and the mystery woman you brought home.

1. On The Beach
The Absolute Worst Places To Have Sex, Ranked
There may be a delicious fruity drink named after the act, but those who’ve actually had sex on the beach will agree that it’s the absolute worst. I actually lost my virginity on the beach, so I mean, I get it.

Whether it’s sand stuck in your ass that turns any and all friction between your cheeks to the consistency of sandpaper, or the fact that you usually have beach sex during an all-inclusive vacation while excessively drunk and, as a result, stumble all over the sand as if it were built on a skatepark, sex on the beach is rarely as good as it sounds. But, sex on the beach is something everybody should try at least once. At the very least, it’s a story to tell the boys.

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