Remember when people were “responsible” and used “eBay” for bidding on “normal things” like Star Trek paraphernalia and doctored celebrity autographs? What happened? It’s a tried and true fact that you can buy nearly anything under the sun on the web—which, of course, shouldn’t come as a shock to those who’ve considered purchasing that 55 gallon drum of lube.

Because of the Internet, it’s effortlessly simple to obtain legitimate, sharp, medieval weapons on eBay. No matter your stance on violence, there’s no better icebreaker than the 16th century mace on your nightstand.

Medieval Morning Star Flail Mace

Price: $299
This particular flail mace is a reproduction of a 1600’s-era war tool. It was forged over 300 years ago, making it an antique piece of history that can dislocate your head from the rest of your body.

German Executioner’s Sword

Price: $8,000
This sixteenth (or seventeenth) century German executioner’s sword was apparently brought into the country by an American solder following WWII—meaning it has survived an ass-load of conflict.

Medieval Battle Flail

Price: $299
Judging by the large colorful font which ensures buyers that this flail is “100% original” and “found in Belarus”, we’re inclined to believe this ninth to tenth century flail is totally original and found in Belarus. This huge metal head would’ve been attached to a short wooden handle and then swung at a person’s face.

European Double-Headed Mattock Axe

Price: $290
This wrought iron hatchet was thought to have belonged to a church carpenter in what is now known as France. While we’d like to believe a plethora of limbs were cut off using this tool, it’s more likely that a church carpenter would’ve used this for more practical purposes. Lighter for scale.

Suit of Armor

Price: $799
While wielding your newly-acquired weapons of minimal destruction, it would be wise to make sure you’re protected against those inclined to fight back. This 44 pound suit is new, but handmade from iron—keeping you safe from wayward daggers and slaps.

Medieval Dagger

Price: $299
Straight from the ball-busting era known as “the 1100s”, this medieval dagger is anything but a toy. At 22 inches long—more than four times the newly-agreed upon average penis length—you could do some serious damage with this thing and take out a king or seven if you really wanted.

Broad Axe and Mace

Price: $7,500
These century-old reproductions of a broad axe and mace are not meant to be used as toys—as explicitly told by the seller—but that doesn’t mean you can’t. On the other hand, buyers are warned that the blades on the axe are incredibly sharp, so maybe you should start listening to random Internet people.

Rare Steel Hook

Price: $130
Hand-forged during the 19th century in Ottoman Empire , this 14-inch steel hook could have been used for any number of activities: farming, construction, disemboweling—the possibilities are endless. Maybe it’s sharp, maybe it’s haunted, maybe it’s the perfect addition to your mantle.

German Left Hand Piercing Dagger

Price: $4,500
Fun fact: this 17th century dagger was meant to be held in the opposite hand of the one that held your sword for use in attacks. I guess that first fact wasn’t particularly fun, but it gives lefties something cool to cling onto. This 15-inch weapon was also supplied to the military and hails from around the year 1600.

Medieval Spear Head

This European spear head dates back between the year 500 and 1200 and is made from solid metal. It’s described as a “thrusting spear head specifically made for war,” which leads me to wonder if there are any spear heads out there specifically made for peace. Probably not.




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