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10 Annoying Things About Watching Internet Porn

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Listen, I like internet porn as much as the next guy; it’s free, it’s plentiful, it’s naked people doing naked things. That being said, if you look long and hard enough (intended), you can find flaws with anything. Here’s 10 things that sometimes get on my nerves when I’m dealing with internet porn:

1. How and why are there STILL pop-ups?

Despite being some of the most popular, traffic inducing sites on the internet (already plastered with ads), a lot of these sites still have a pop-up that appears when you click on a video. You’re raking in cash playing other people’s porn, but that still isn’t enough? And how do these pop-ups even happen? We all have pop-up blockers in our internet browsers, yet these magical porn pop-ups somehow skip past them and open in a new tab. How do porn sites have the latest in pop-up technology? Like, weren’t these pop-up blockers created by smart, ivy-league-staffed, tech companies? How has a website with ‘Jizz’ in their title outsmarted you?

And there’s nothing weirder than indulging in your clip of choice and hearing some faint giggles in the distance. You’re like, WTF? Who in this orgy is giggling and why? Then you realize it’s this lady, live-chatting with some slightly-lonelier-than-you pervs, and one of them just made a terrible “joke” that she’s pretending to find funny, in hopes that he’ll throw some of his sad-dollars her way.

 

2. Despite 0 demand, the Facebook share button still exists

Instead, they’ve created MORE share options?

Why, WHY, is this button still a thing?! Nobody is sharing porn on their Facebook wall except maybe the actors themselves, but even then, their friends are probably like, “We get it, you fuck for a living, stop rubbing it in our faces.” To the rest of us, this button is just a scary reminder that our social lives could be ruined forever simply by clicking a mere inch away from our intended target. How would your friends, family, and coworkers react if they knew the weird shit you were into? And if your mom caught you sharing MILF porn? I can’t imagine the level of never-ending awkward that would create.

 

3. Gross thumbnails

So you’re in the mood for a quick porn session, so you go to your site of choice. Suddenly, you’re bombarded with about 20 thumbnail images for 20 different videos, some for some nasty perversions you’re not into, and of course their thumbnail has captured them at their most obscene. And it’s zoomed in. Great, thanks for that. Your eyes now have to navigate a boner killing mine-field trying to find their way to the perfect clip. I don’t really have a solution for this, but it’s mildly annoying.

4. Ads on the side that show like, a fat Ron Jeremy

Nobody came to your site to check out a fat Ron Jeremy. Nobody. I get that he’s like a porn legend, and I get that you want to sell your penis pills or whatever, but I don’t want him in my periphery while I’m g oing a bout my business. And how about using a  younger  Ron Jeremy? Why do we need to see a current day, 61 year old, fresh off a heart att ack, Ron Jeremy? I mean, the guy made a living getting videos and pictures taken of him, so it shouldn’t be difficult to find a more flattering shot, right?

And same thing goes for weird cartoon porn ads. If you’re into Marge Simpson riding a shockingly hung Ned Flanders, cool, that’s your thing. But I don’t need it forced on me. I’d still like to enjoy the show, please. And so metimes it’s like a weird CGI creature thing with a dick, and I didn’t ask for this. Please keep these ads strictly human, and preferably not gifs. I hate when my videos buffering, but the gifs are still there, goin’ strong on the side, demanding all my masturbatory attention.

 

5. WAY too many choices

To use a music analogy, if you go to a record fair, you’re somewhat guided by the limitations of the selection there and you can pick and choose, whereas porn is more like Spotify where you’re paralyzed with unlimited options and forever doomed to wonder if you could be listening to something cooler at any time. As a result, you’ll probably open far too many tabs in hopes of finding the ‘perfect clip’, when you probably won’t even end up giving most of them a chance. Then you’re left with that oddly shameful feeling afterwards when you’re faced with your discarded perversions, but now you’re level-headed and somewhat disgusted at what you were into just moments earlier.

6. The pointless comment sections

Never has anything intellectual or worthwhile taken place in a porn video’s comment section, rivaling only Youtube comments in terms of depressing humanity. But at least in Youtube comments, you know they weren’t creepily written by a guy with a presumed boner. What you’ll find instead is just a collection of guys commenting, for some reason, as if the porn stars can hear them. “Damn the tings id do to dat ass.”  Who is that for? Who?   And also, what type of person finds the urge – the NEED – to comment on such videos? I find it difficult enough to muster up the energy to Facebook comment on a loved one’s birthday, but these guys have opinions burning so deep within, that they MUST express them to the world, all whilst presumably in one of the most vulnerable positions? That’s almost commendable.

 

7. Why are some sex scenes, like, 58 minutes long?

Does anyone watch the entire thing? If so, bravo, person way more committed to masturbating than me. More than likely though, one of those giant clips just becomes a start ‘n stop nightmare trying to find the sweet spots. And if the porn site you use doesn’t have the little mini-preview box that comes up while you navigate the timeline, for some reason, it’s hard not to take that as a personal attack. I’M CALLIN’ YOU OUT REDTUBE. I’m seriously so bothered by these, I’m tempted to give them their own numbered complaint, but I’ll resist.

 

8. Could they at least TRY with their video titles?

I realize this one is super nit-picky, but come ON porn uploaders, with your uncreative titles. I swear it feels like there’s about 10 dirty words they put in a grab bag and select for about 90% of porn titles. “Hot girl big boobs blowjob SEXY.” Great, you’ve just described a billion videos. Ultimately, this makes no difference whether or not we’ll watch for the most part, but it would be refreshing to see some effort. You know, have fun with it! We’re clicking either way, so do something new! Try some new adjectives or something! “Photogenic girl vast boobs fellatio APPEALING.” I’d click that.

 

9. The fact this shit is addicting

In a world where everyone is birthed with an ADD and procrastination problem, internet porn has made every task involving a computer 100x more difficult. Do you know how difficult it is to write a research paper when there’s an endless supply of beautiful moving images just a click away?   Do you know how difficult it was to write THIS – an article ABOUT porn – without getting sidetracked by porn? I had to  create these images . I had to  refresh videos so many times to get those right ads to come up . I’m practically a hero for even finishing this thing. And so are you.

 

10. Oh yeah, and I guess this is probably ruining some of their lives?

Crap. I’ll worry about that in like, 7 minutes.

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10 Annoying Things About Watching Internet Porn

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