There’s nothing funny about watching someone fall on hard times. These stories, however, are. It takes intense desperation — and some would say, courage — for someone to want to smuggle an unfathomably large object in a relatively small hole. But that’s what these fine folks did.

A Loaded, Five-Shot, Four-Inch Mini Revolver
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Police arrested Christie Harris in March 2013 for possession of various no-no’s within her vehicle. Once she was in jail, the police searched her person for other contraband. Harris said she was “on her period,” but the excuse wouldn’t fly. They found a gun in her vagina and two baggies of meth in her butt. She was sentenced to 25 years in prison.

A $35,000 Rolex
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Christina Lafave met Kenneth Herold in a Las Vegas bar. The 25-year-old told the 66-year-old that she gave naked massages for $300 a pop. Herold, clearly smitten, agreed to the deal and brought Lafave up to his room. Once the massage commenced, Lafave — no relation to Debra — snatched Herold’s $35,000 Presidential Rolex and, like a magic trick, made it disappear.

Once Herold noticed his Rolex was missing, he confronted Lafave. He also summoned the police, who began questioning Lafave, as she denied stealing the Rolex. After complaining about a pain in her downstairs area, they took her to the hospital where an X-ray revealed the truth: Christina Lafave is a damn, dirty Rolex thief.

54 Bags of Heroin, 31 Empty Bags Used to Package Heroin, 8.5 Xanax Pills and $51.22
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Duckface aficionado Karin Mackaliunas was arrested on suspicion of stealing linens from a hotel room. When cops searched her, they found three heroin packets in her jacket pocket. But the fun wouldn’t stop there. As they drove to the precinct, officers noticed Mackaliunas fidgeting in the backseat. Upon arrival to the station, they saw that she was paying a whole lot of attention to her vaginal area. She confessed. Officers found a veritable treasure trove within her fish mitten. Not sure why she would choose to pack $.22 in there, but we admire her frugality.

A Half-Pound of Cocaine
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Airport agents noticed Shekira Thompson was sweating profusely passing through customs. They pulled her aside and did a routine search, finding an oblong bundle full of $10,000 worth of coke hidden in her sticky love canal. Thompson, 24, had allegedly transported the uncomfortably large amount of cocaine from Kingston, Jamaica, to JFK Airport.

Said field director Robert Perez: “This seizure is just another example of our CBP officers being ever vigilant in protecting the United States from the distribution of these illicit drugs.” Vigilant, indeed. Thompson is currently awaiting trial on Rikers Island, where she could be teaching other inmates the tricks of the trade.

Two Pounds of Cocaine
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Move over, Shekira Thompson, there’s a new sheriff in town. In 2014, Brazilian Maria Eliana was apprehended with 1.98 pounds of powder wedged in her lady passage. The 48-year-old enchantress was traveling from Sao Paolo to Madrid. Could any physics majors out there explain how this is possible?

A Grenade
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They say anything goes in El Salvador. In 2006, Lidia Alvarado tried sneaking in an M76 grenade along with a bag of marijuana into La Esperanza prison. What makes this smuggling attempt even more brash is the fact that she stuffed this contraband into a 10.5-inch-long, 2-inch-wide cylinder. Her minge was unavailable for comment.

A Kinder Surprise Egg Full of Cocaine and Heroin
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In July of 2013, a 73-year-old grandmother attempted to smuggle a Kinder Egg full of cash, coke and heroin into a prison for her grandson. Standing in line and realizing she would be searched, old Ethel unloaded the contraband from her dusty vagina and handed it to the prison guard.

Family is important. But this loyalty would cost a nameless, faceless senior a 21-month suspended sentence and…wait for it…a fine of 41 Euros. Things are a lot different in Spain.

Four Hypodermic Needles
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Carlie Foreman, 23, was taken into a police station after hitting someone’s car and acting like, well, a tweaker. She asked to use the bathroom, but when they told her a cop would have to be present and there would be no way to flush the toilet, she meekly explained that she had four syringes, a large spoon and a clear plastic bag lodged in her hoo-ha.

36 Vials of Crack
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A 5 a.m. drug deal went south for 22-year-old Ashley Bellamy in late 2012. Her boyfriend pulled a gun on someone attempting to buy drugs, and that person called the cops. Within minutes, Bellamy was performing the ultimate magic trick.

When cops arrived to the scene, they noticed that she was “walking funny.” Yeah, I’d be walking funny, too, if I shoved 36 vials of anything up my butt. Bellamy later confessed to the smuggling when questioned, and she and her boo were hauled off to jail. They were charged with intent to distribute.

A Bottle of E&J Brandy
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Let’s find the silver lining here — perhaps the mother was just showing her son where he came from. Maybe it was a lesson on the birds and the bees with a bottle of brandy playing dad. Who knows? In 2014 a Florida woman was caught on camera stuffing a fifth of E&J into her, um, self. The perp was never found.






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