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The 10 Craziest Christmas Crimes

The holiday season is when we’re supposed to come together as one big happy family and set aside our petty differences and baser natures. As anybody who’s ever seen Die Hard knows, that just doesn’t happen. For some reason, the Christmas season inspires crooks, thugs and other malcontents to really  step up their game and get on the naughty list. In this article, we’ll scour the December police blotters to share ten of the most absurd, craziest, ridiculous and over-the-top Christmas crimes. Get plenty of coal ready for these stockings, Santa. You’re going to need it.

 

The Decoration Kleptomaniac

The Christmas decoration game is a serious one, with neighbors struggling to outdo each other year after year. For 18 year old Jeremy Lewallen, holiday decor was serious business. He and his 42-year-old wife Carrie Carley were arrested in 2014 when police got a tip that their yard was suspiciously full of some very familiar decorations. Lewallen had been driving around Colorado Springs for a week raiding other people’s yards for his display. When the cops confronted him, they discovered that he’d previously been in jail for stealing Halloween decorations! His wife was released on bail but decided to keep her sticky-fingered hubby in the clink where he couldn’t ruin anybody else’s Christmas.

The Cop-Fighting Frosty

According to the song, Frosty the Snowman is a jolly happy soul. But in Maryland, he’s kind of an asshole. 52-year-old Kevin Michael Walsh of Chestertown was dressed in a Frosty costume for his town’s 2011 parade, as he’s done for the last decade. But when he was asked to move away from the crowd by a K-9 officer, Walsh wasn’t able to keep his cool. He started physically fighting back against the man and kicking his dog, which is not a good look even if you think it’s going to run off with one of your stick arms. The police were able to subdue the felonious Frosty and pin him to the ground in front of an audience of horrified children. Walsh was booked on charges of disorderly conduct and eventually ordered to undergo mental health evaluation.

The Float Speed Record

 

Christmas parades are a very American small-town tradition, letting locals dress in their winter best and welcome the season in cheerful style. But the whole point of a parade float is to go slow enough for the crowd to appreciate it. Nobody told David Allen Rodgers that. The South Carolina man got behind the wheel of a truck in the 2006 parade and immediately put the pedal to the metal, hitting speeds of 60 miles per hour as the Steppin’ Out Dance Studio’s float whipped back and forth behind him. Rodgers had downed a couple of drinks before the parade started and blew through multiple stoplights before slowing down enough for the 18 terrified passengers on the float to jump off and call 911.

The Mistletoe Hunter

 

One of the most beloved Christmas traditions is meeting somebody under the mistletoe for a kiss. But 66-year-old Georgia man William E. Robinson might have gotten a little too excited in 2011 when he went out to harvest a sprig of the pricly plant. Robinson walked into the parking lot of the North DeKalb Mall with his trusty double-barrel shotgun and opened fire on a tree full of mistletoe. It’s apparently common practice in the South to harvest the plant that way, but the police were less than pleased. He told the media “Every year I go somewhere to get some mistletoe to decorate the house. I get some for my friends that can’t get mistletoe. The best way to get it is with a shotgun.”

The Squirrel Stabbing

 

Let’s be honest with each other: We all need a little help to get through the holidays, and that help usually comes in the form of alcohol. But when a South Carolina man came back empty-handed from a beer run on Christmas Day in 2013, he found himself on the wrong end of a truly bizarre weapon: a ceramic squirrel lawn ornament. 44 year old Helen Williams had sent the unidentified man, her common-law husband, out on an errand to get booze, but when he returned without any she fell into a rage and stabbed him multiple times with the squirrel. When police arrived, she claimed he fell but couldn’t explain why there was blood all over her hands. Williams was booked on one charge of of domestic violence of a high and aggravated nature.

The Heart Attack Shopping Spree

 

If you’ve got a big family – especially one with a bunch of kids – Christmas can be one of the most stressful times of the year. Coming up with enough money to buy good presents for all of those damn people is enough to bankrupt a dude. So we can’t get too snippy at Florida men Tarus Scott and Gerard Dupree for their 2014 plan. The duo went into the Lake Wales Walmart and loaded up a cart with almost $400 worth of toys, including a Barbie Dream House. They then walked towards the exit and Dupree dropped to the ground, clutching his chest. While customers and staff were distracted, Scott waltzed out with the cart. Unfortunately for the duo, security cameras captured the entire thing and they were quickly arrested.

The Weed Smuggling Giftwrappers

Let’s be frank: if somebody put 30 pounds of weed under our Christmas tree, it’d be the best holiday ever. But for a pair of dudes in Ohio, their attempt to gift-wrap a bunch of marijuana backfired pretty hard on them. The Ohio State Highway Patrol pulled over a BMW SUV on the Turnpike when they noticed it was weaving between lanes. Unluckily for the drivers, the cops had a drug-sniffing dog with them, and it started going nuts towards the BMW. A quick investigation revealed that several wrapped presents in the back of the SUV were crammed full of hydroponic cheeba worth approximately $192,000.

The Bath Salt Decorator

 

When you think “drug-fueled rampage,” your mind usually turns to pretty grim stuff. Especially when the drug is bath salts, the synthetic cathinones most famous for making a Florida man chew another dude’s face off. But when Ohio man Terry Trent get whacked out on salts, he broke into a Vandalia home and decorated it for Christmas. Trent entered the residence through the back door, lit some candles and hung a wreath up on the garage door. When an 11-year-old child who lived at the home discovered him, Trent was very polite until the police got there and hauled the amateur decorator off to jail.

The Murderer Who Hid The Corpse In Presents

If you’re trying to get rid of a dead body, you have lots of great choices. At the bottom of a well, or in a swamp, or dumped off of the side of the road in the New Jersey pine barrens. But underneath a pile of Christmas presents? That just seems like a bad idea. In 2011, Patty White was visiting Michele O’Dowd, a family friend, in Florida. Desperate for money, White beat O’Dowd to death and stole two of her debit cards. Without anywhere better to put the corpse, the desperate murderer laid her on a bed and covered her up with wrapped Christmas presents. O’Dowd’s twin brother discovered his sister’s body and called the police, who tracked White down pretty quickly.

Santa With A Flamethrower

 

One of the most insane Christmas crimes on record happened in 2008, when Bruce Jeffrey Pardo. dressed as Santa Claus, knocked on the door of a holiday party in Covina, California at his former in-laws’ house. In one hand was a 9mm semi-automatic handgun and in the other was a gift-wrapped homemade flamethrower. Upon gaining entrance, Pardo shot an eight year old girl in the face and indiscriminately opened fire on the rest of the partygoers. He then turned on his flamethrower and set the house ablaze. Nine people were killed, three more were injured and Pardo took his own life a short time later with a bullet to the head.

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