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A recurring theme in the best superhero comics is relatability: in what way are you the reader and the spandex weirdo jumping off of buildings alike? Sometimes that’s established by showing how these larger-than-life characters deal with everyday things like family, friendship, and the stresses of their secret identity.

Other times, it’s established by Batman peeing his pants and Superman almost releasing a sex tape. Here are 10 bizarre and unsettling moments of creepy comic character establishment.

KNOB GOBLIN

When J. Michael Straczynski wanted to introduce the idea that Gwen Stacy secretly had Peter Parker’s kids, editors vetoed it. Not because it was clearly a weird, dumb idea, but because they thought Spider-Man having grown children “aged” the character too much.

Instead of junking the idea completely, they came up with a twist. What if Norman Osborne (who was old as hell) had impregnated Gwen (who was maybe eighteen) instead, then killed her because she wouldn’t let him see his heirs? And thus was born one of the worst Spider-Man storylines ever, as well as the most horrifying O-face in comics history.

SPEEDY’S KITTY FRIEND

Most people aren’t familiar with Speedy, the lame Robin to Green Arrow’s lame Batman. Short version: the pressures of superheroism and having to live with awful trust-fund hippie Oliver Queen drove Roy Harper to rock ‘n’ roll and heroin addiction.

Roy sobered up, joined the Teen Titans, had a kid, and went through like ten different awful costume designs before the tragic loss of his daughter, lover, arm, and sexual potency got him back on the horse.

Because heroin is a magical substance whose effects are unknown to modern science, Speedy begins carrying around a dead cat that he hallucinates is his alive daughter. The New 52 relaunch ended up getting rid of all of this crap, one of the very few good decisions DC has made in the last two years.

THE UNSETTLING ANT-MAN

Let’s face it: Hank “Ant-Man” Pym is awful. At his worst he’s a self-pitying wife-beater who builds world-menacing killbots, and at his best he’s still a guy whose power is to become bigger and clumsier or smaller and easier to step on.

Still, as one of the O.G. Marvel characters, the company is determined to keep him around and make people like him. In Avengers #71, for instance, they decided to show him as the kind of caring, attentive lover that Janet “Can and Has Done Way Better” Van Dyne deserves.

How? By giving him the sexy sex power to shrink down all tiny and…apparently just walk right into Janet’s vagina. Are women really into that sort of thing? Dudes strolling in there like they’re touring Mammoth Cave? Thank the One-Above-All the movie is going to be about the Scott Lang Ant-Man.

LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT

DC’s controversial 2004 Identity Crisisminiseries took incompetent Teen Titans villain Arthur Light and revealed him as a deranged rapist who learned the Justice League’s secret identities before being “fixed” by clumsy magical memory edits.

Everybody has a different opinion aboutIdentity Crisis depending on how much they liked Sue Dibny and/or Captain Boomerang, but the really creepy thing about Dr. Light is how to this day he’s still showing up on Teen Titans Go! in his original non-rapey comic relief incarnation.

No wonder people miss the old Teen Titans and its not-at-all-weird relationship storylines about “Slade” and girls a third his age.

BATMAN WETS HIMSELF

When DC announced alpha nerd Kevin Smith was set to write a Batman series the news was greeted with great excitement by everybody who had forgotten everything Smith had done since “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.”

His “Batman: The Widening Gyre” proved even worse than “Jersey Girl,” achieving prominent positions on a number of “worst of” lists through its combination of lame “edgy” jokes, nonsensical characterization, and one moment that came to define the whole series.

Talking to villain/antihero Baphomet, Batman remembers an iconic scene from his early career in Miller and Mazzucchelli’s “Batman: Year One,” and completely undercuts the tension by confessing that the big scary explosion had caused him to wet his bat-pants.

THE MARVEL SWIMSUIT ISSUES

Comic-book swimsuit issues sound like a good joke until you realize that most superheroes would have to put on more clothes to look like they were wearing swimsuits.

Marvel’s Swimsuit Specials were an uneven mix of cheesecake pin-ups (“Look, it’s Psylocke, and she’s wearing a slightly different bikini!”) and cheeseball humor, but it managed to differentiate itself from other collections of women in spandex by also including the buffest dudes and the tiniest shorts in the Marvel Universe.

Ever wanted to see the Punisher wearing a skull-thong? How about Colossus in denim cutoffs? The worst look has to have been Namor’s golden scallop banana hammock from 1995, because 1) Namor already wears a swimsuit most of the time anyway, 2) the shell makes it look like the Submariner isn’t packing much of a torpedo, and 3) have you ever handled a scallop shell? Those edges are sharp.

SUPERMAN’S PORN CAREER

If you’ve ever worried about whether your relationship was in trouble, look for inspiration to Action Comics #592–3, where cosmic escape artist Scott Free discovers his wife Big Barda about to get it on with the Man of Steel and still manages to patch things up afterwards.

Supes and Barda turn out to be under the control of Sleez, a renegade Apokoliptian too perverted for even Darkseid’s tastes, although that doesn’t stop Darkseid from buying a tape of Barda’s sexy hypno-dance specifically so he can give it to Scott and laugh in his face.

Scott Free eventually tracks down Sleez’s sewer-based porno studio, only to discover that Superman’s invincible moral fiber and clumsy, passionless sexual technique have kept things from getting beyond first base. You know who I feel bad for after reading this? Lois Lane.

COLOSSAL MISJUDGEMENT

Chris Claremont is celebrated for his role in creating much of the important mythology behind the X-Men during his run, but even his most fanatical supporters admit that he could be kind of…weird, sometimes.

Case in point was the relationship between Colossus (age 19) and Kitty Pryde (age 14) which was so creepy that even Piotr seemed a little freaked out.

Marvel’s editor-in-chief Jim Shooter eventually got so tired of having to continually shoot down Claremont’s sex storylines that he had Colossus fall in love with an alien during the Secret Wars crossover event, essentially forcing a breakup for at least enough time for Kitty to turn 18.

THE GREEN LANTERN CORPS HAS NO AGE RESTRICTIONS

Descended from a long line of Lanterns, Arisia Rrab had to put on the ring when she was only the space-elf equivalent of 13 years old.

Like many young teenage girls, she developed an unrequited crush on an older man, in this case square-jawed square Hal Jordan, who did his best to let her down gently. Unlike many young teenage girls, Arisia wore a willpower-driven power ring that could and unfortunately did use magic space radiation to turn her into a fully-legal adult woman with a slammin’ body.

Hal could see nothing weird about dating a sexy woman with the mind of a 13-year-old child, but the uniquely icky relationship ended soon after.

Hal ended up murdering millions of people, but Arisia went on to hang out with Guy Gardner, so it’s hard to tell who turned out worse.

CREEPY NIGHTCRAWLER

All of the X-Men could charitably be said to have complicated personal lives, but Kurt Wagner’s deserves special mention. He’s a devout Catholic who looks like the devil, a cheerful extrovert whose physical appearance makes it impossible for him to make new friends, and oh yeah — his adopted family includes two sorceresses and a murderous sociopath. After he was forced to kill his brother (the sociopath), his dead mother (sorceress #1 and “gypsy queen”) literally dragged him to hell to face judgment, only to be encounter his missing sister (sorceress #2, position in gypsy royalty uncertain) who reveals herself to be…his girlfriend, Amanda Sefton. His really serious girlfriend of some months, whom he was heavily implied to have boned at least once. Kurt’s reaction? “Oboy!” In case you were wondering: yeah, this was another Chris Claremont story.

 

Source

10 CREEPIEST COMIC BOOK MOMENTS EVER

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