10 Deal Breakers For Guys When It Comes To Women
Once upon a time, we gave you a good taste of where some men draw the line. Well, nothing has changed, but we have added to our list of deal breakers when it comes to women. Here are 10 women we don’t dare let into our lairs, starting with you, Snapchat Sally.
You can’t take her anywhere, not without ending up all over her social media, or worse, filming all her social media for her. Unless you fancy yourself a modern-made Annie Leibovitz, prepare for the burden of a lifetime, one in which eye contact is no longer a thing, replaced by tedious hours of her choosing the right filters, masking and layering her face until it’s unrecognizable and then crying when it doesn’t get enough likes. In a short amount of time, you’ll forget what each other look like and become strangers passing on the street.
Known associates: Twitter Tiffany, Instagram Ingrid and Selfie Sarah
Can’t Hold Her Liquor Lisa
She’s been around for more than a decade now, still can’t seem to find the trick to being social, having a few drinks and not lighting the place on fire. Not only does she always pick the drink that sets her eyes aflame, she somehow manages to drink her weight in it, but not without dousing it in the proverbial lighter fluid (sushi, Adderall and energy drinks), all of which you’ll wash off your comforter the next day.
Known associates: Overdose Alison, Shroomin’ Cheri
You went out once, and somehow she’s found your parents’ home address and wrote them a cordial handwritten letter detailing how excited she is to be a part of the family. The joke’s on her because not only will she never meet the family, you’ll join protective services and assume a different name, along with each member of your family. Boy, does she look like an idiot!
Known associates: Set Your House on Fire Samantha
Driving Miss Daisy
It’s never comfortable to be in the passenger seat, or any seat including the trunk, when you’re with a bad driver. We won’t touch on stereotypes, mostly because we’ll assume you know they’re all true, but when it comes to busy roads and one-way streets, all the trust will go out of the relationship. You might find yourself walking home across a bridge because you couldn’t make it to the other side in that death trap with the witch.
Known associates: Parallel Parker Posey
You bought her flowers, but what is the underlying meaning here? It couldn’t possibly be that you enjoy her company, love spending time with her and genuinely wanted her to know how much you value her as both a friend and lover. No, no, there’s something else going on here, you cheating bastard!
Known associates: All other women
They say giving is the best gift of all, but no one told that to this taker. She just can’t get enough, can she? Let us guess: You’ve paid for every dinner, drink and date-related scenario, and you’ve put her first in the boudoir, but you’re still pleasuring yourself like you’ve been deserted on an island? Not that you shouldn’t take care of business, but she’s free to step in and the reigns at any point.
Known associates: Lack of Oral Ophelia, Never Pay Nikki
Patriots Fan Patty
Hey, cool, you’ve found yourself a nice little tomboy! She’s cute, curvy and cool, and best of all, she’s totally down to drink a dozen beers on Sunday just like you. The only problem: Her team never fucking loses, and when they do, they find a damn good excuse for it. You’ll never hear the end of her bragging, prancing around the house drunk out of her board like she threw the winning pass herself. Her touchdown dance is atrocious after a plate of nachos and two keg stands. D-Fence! More like D-isgusting!
Known associates: Showboat Sierra and Sore Loser Packer Paige
Baby Voice Beth
You thought you had it handled when you decided you’d just never have kids with the psychopath, but then you realized too late into the game that she does it with every dog she sees too. Now she’s brought one home (your home) and there’s no end to the madness. Now you’ve either got to set the dog free and watch her cry, or set her free and run the risk she’ll slash your tires when she finds out.
Known associates: Cat Lady Leslie, Dog Walker Wendy
Apparently, she knows exactly how compatible you are before you open your mouth. No matter what you say or do or how nice or mean you are, the (astrology) cards are already laid out. Well, you might as well be a colossal prick all you want, because she’s either going to love or hate you before you shake hands. Here she comes now. Throw your drink at her! She’ll love it! Or maybe she’ll hate it.
Known associates: Healing Heather and Crystal Krystal
She’s got it, everything we’ve mentioned above, all right inside that gorgeous, tight little exterior. You want her so badly, but you know she’s a psycho. The twist? Her name isn’t Carrie. She has no solidified name. She only goes by: women.