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10 Horrifying Sex Stories That Will Make You Feel Better About Your Sexual Failures

1. “I was 25 and took home a 35-year-old from the bar. The entire walk home he was bragging about his ability to deep-throat better than a porn star. We get home and he starts. A few moments later he deep-throats and proceeds to puke all over my crotch.”

2. “I hooked up with a guy who wasn’t exactly a charmer. At the end, before even having a chance to put clothes on, he looked at me and said, “OK, so notes…” and gave me constructive criticism on our encounter as if it were a theatre rehearsal.”

3. “I was dating a guy who had a cute dog called Marnie. One time in the middle of sex there was this pining at the door so the guy gets up, let’s Marnie in AND ONTO THE BED WITH OUR NAKED BODIES. I never saw him again.”

 

4. “This is my romantic tale: He went down on me. He said I tasted ‘so good.’ When he came up from under the covers, his mouth was covered in blood. I started crying and told him I got my period. He threw up on me. We’re still together five years later.”

5. “When my husband and I got engaged I gave him oral. He orgasmed and came, and then I just continued to give him head anyway. He thought he was going to cum again but he ended up peeing in my mouth.”

6. “I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob but he ended up cumming so suddenly that I didn’t have time to move and his cum went DIRECTLY into my eye. It stung so hard that I was momentarily blinded, fell backwards off the bed, and knocked myself unconscious.”

7. “My friend always tells the story of how her brother and his girlfriend once bought a salad at a gas station so that he could eat it out of her vagina. A few days later she went to the ER with maggots in her vag.”

8. “I was once home alone and feeling horny so decided to have a solo session on the couch. Just as I was about to come my roommate who was supposed to be out all day walks in and catches me with my legs akimbo. The worst part? I had borrowed her vibrator.”

9. “I chatted with a dude on Grindr for several weeks before meeting up. We ended up sleeping together. We continued texting when he told me he knew my mum. When I asked my mum if she knew him, she said, ‘Yeah, that’s who I lost my virginity to.”

10. “Despite having a dodgy stomach I went out for Thai food with this girl I was seeing. She invited me back to hers and ended up going down on me. As I climaxed, I suddenly felt an uncomfortable wetness. Turns out that I had also sharted.”

 
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