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10 INANIMATE OBJECTS PEOPLE HAD SEX WITH THAT WEREN’T A MCCHICKEN

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The quest for the coveted orgasm is a treasured one. Some will even go as far as to have sex with an inanimate object to get their rocks off. For instance, you might have recently heard about the man who managed to have sex with a McChicken sandwich from McDonald’s and film it.

I’d like to say this isn’t something that doesn’t happen a lot, but if I did I’d be lying, as evidenced by the many news stories released on the subject. Look below at some of the most bizarre objects people have managed to have actual sex with. I guess it is true: Guys will f**k just about anything.

1. A Dirty Sidewalk Couch
couch
A couch is a pretty common piece of furniture to have sex “on,” but to have sex “with” a couch is not nearly as common. According to reports, 47-year-old Gerard Streator was caught by a New York City policeman “thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.

When the officer noticed the nonsense, he understandably shouted, “What are you doing?” and Streator ran away into the night with a fully erect penis. He was eventually caught and sentenced to five months in jail.

2. Some Uncooked Pizza
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Reddit-user casualiama confessed to something not-so-casual when he admitted to having sex with some uncooked pizza dough. “In short, it was one of the best things in my life,” he passionately added.

To make this odd interaction newsworthy, lady-tome Cosmopolitan spoke to an expert (Dr. Allison) about potential dangers associated with fornicating with pizza pie. Here’s her professional advice: “Well, if your guy enjoys boinking pizza dough, be sure that he uses a condom. Not because he risks getting the pizza pregnant, but because you don’t want to get a yeast infection from the yeast in the dough.” Well, then. Good to know.

3. An Innocent Picnic Table
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Art Price, 40, of Ohio was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table. The report adds that “Price was seen on four separate occasions, always between 10:30 a.m. and noon, having sex with the picnic table.” Curious as to how a man can have sex with a picnic table? Let me clear things up for you: The table had a hole in the middle of it “intended” for an umbrella.

4. A Not So Innocent Street Sign
street+sign
A 60-year-old man in South Dakota was held on $10,000 bond for many things (including burglary), the most suspicious being that he was caught on two year’s worth of film masturbating and “engaging in sex acts with traffic signs.”

While I’m not exactly sure how penetration with a traffic sign is possible, these two were clearly in an intimate, long-term relationship. Just leave them alone.

5. A Drink Cart
drink+cart
A UK man was arrested for attempting to have sex with a drink cart while traveling to Glasgow on a train. In case you haven’t guessed or it wasn’t incredibly obvious, the humper was completely wasted. Andrew Davidson reportedly loved the booze cart so much, that he aggressively humped the cart while screaming, “I want to kiss you! I want to fuck you!”

After his odd declaration, Davidson fell to the ground, began masturbating and continued his explicit narrative by shouting the obscene sexual things he wanted to do to his boyfriend, then tried to kiss a female passenger. When sober, Davidson admitted to everything and was sentenced to 100 hours of community service.

6. A Laundry Basket
laundry+basket
Nobody likes doing laundry, except one housewife who takes the phrase literally. On an episode of “In The Bedroom With Dr. Laura” a sexually dissatisfied wife explains how she likes to hump the corner of her laundry basket to climax and that this was something she’s done since college. She admits she prefers this interaction more than sex with her husband, Steve, who, she adds, has a mighty large penis. Good for him, I guess.

7. An Inhabited Wasp’s Nest

A wasp perches in a wasps nest in Arcos de la Frontera, Cadiz province, Andalusia, Spain
Yes, you read that correctly. A 35-year-old Swedish man was foolish enough to have sex with a swarm of bees in the comforts of their own home. As a result, the man was found dead outside his farm with a total of 146 wasp stings, 54 of which were on his penis and balls.

How did reports conclude that this was the result of fornication? Because they found the man’s sperm on some of the dead wasps as well as an abundance of his public hair in their nest. Some pretty condemning evidence, I’d say. According to Snopes, this turned out to be untrue, but something tells us someone out there has been insane enough to try this.

8. An ATM
atm
Surprise, surprise, another drunk guy. 49-year-old Lonnie Hutton casually strolled out of a bar to grab some cash at a nearby ATM in Nashville, Tennessee. Instead of whipping out his debit card though, Hutton instead pulled down his pants and underwear, whipped out his schlong and “attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM.”

Officers took Hutton aside mid-penetration and told him to sit at a wooden picnic table so that they could speak to him. Bad idea, because Hutton exposed himself yet again and began f**king the wooden picnic table. As a result, he was charged with public intoxication and booked into the Rutherford County jail on $250 bond.

9. A Chunk Of Swiss Cheese
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An actual real-life man, Christopher Pagano, 41, offered a woman money to watch him f**k a piece of Swiss cheese. We’d think this was fake too, but there’s actual blurry, photographic evidence of this happening, and it’s just as awkward as you’d expect it to be. He’s since been dubbed the “Swiss Cheese Pervert.” And that is that.

10. The Eiffel Tower
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Erika La Tour Eiffel lives in San Francisco, but claims to have married the Eiffel Tower. Like. In France. Her first infatuation with an object was with “Lance,” a bow that helped her become a world-class archer. Erika’s admitted she’s had sex with a piece of fence she keeps in her bedroom, as well. As for her new beau, the ceremony the two shared was reportedly intimate, with a handful of friends. As you can see, Erika took his surname.

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