Japan is weird. This has been common knowledge in the West for some time now. From game shows to pornography to blackface, the oddities are seemingly endless. That extends to occupations, too. If you’re down on your luck here in America, know that fabulous career opportunities exist on that awkward little island off the coast of China.

Handsome Weeping Boy
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We’ve all witnessed that young female coworker in her cubicle crying. Perhaps she saw a Nicholas Sparks movie or became ultra-jealous after seeing her friend on Facebook get a way cooler gift from her boyfriend than she did. Either way, Japan’s Ikemeso Danshi offers Handsome Weeping Boys to come and wipe your tears away for you. Since around 45 percent of women aged 16 to 24 in Japan are “not interested in or despise sexual contact,” this could fill the void. Handsome Weeping Boys cost 7,900 yen an hour (roughly $65) and will even watch sad videos with you until your tears are flowing. He then wipes them and comforts you.

Genitalia Censorer
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If you’re a red-blooded, porn-devouring American, you’ve probably noticed that little blur in Japanese porn. Considering how many vaginas there are in Japan, this must take a lot of work. Although Genitalia Censoreris not a common title — as people in “the biz” tend to blur the naughty parts themselves — there have been job postings calling for a diligent, disciplined Genitalia Censorer. And at 750 yen an hour (six bucks), who could resist sending in their resume?

Professional Cuddler
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Japan’s first sleep together shop, Soineya, literally translates to “sleep together shop.” Customers pay big bucks to sleep in the arms of a female. At around 50 bucks an hour (with a standard $25 entry fee), they receive the “simple and ultimate comfort of sleeping together with someone.” It’s a very lonely country.

Pushers AKA “Sardine Packers”
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You’ve probably seen the video showing hordes of Japanese businesspeople trying to squeeze onto a crowded train. This daily massive flood of worker bees requires special treatment, or to be exact, pushers. Donning white gloves and hats, pushers are employed to literally pack commuters onto trains. Oshiya, as they’re called in Japan, once existed in the United States but quickly gained a bad reputation as “sardine packers.” The occupation was deemed obsolete out of shame. I speculate that Japan’s declining birth rate (hitting a record low in 2014) might be a good thing.

Boyfriend Rental (Rentaru Kareshi)
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Kissing and sex are out of the question, but you can hold hands and hug. Rentaru Kareshi allows ladies to rent boyfriends. The company itself stated, “forty percent of those who rent boyfriends are housewives” and 50 percent are repeat customers. Japan is apparently very into simulated relationships.

Chicken Sexer
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Though this odd job is not exclusive to Japan, it’s where the method originated. The job involves checking to see if a chick has a mule or a vagina. Each sex requires different needs, including diet, and most males are killed, which is quite sexist if I do say so myself.

Medical Sex Worker
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It’s called a prostitute in America, but in Japan the business is known as “White Hands.” I sense a double-entendre. Can someone help me out there? Anyway, sometimes people with cerebral palsy or incurable paralysis need a helping hand. And can you blame them? Medical sex workers tug on their heart strings until they’re happy as a clam.

Banishment Room “Worker”
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Just like in America, Japanese companies often run into the dilemma of having an incompetent employee and a low budget. But unlike us, they look for ways around exorbitant severance pay. So they banish these workers into “boredom rooms.” By giving them menial work, or no work at all, the business expects the employee to become so sad and emasculated that they leave. Even Sony and Panasonic have these rooms. One Sony employee whose exploits were profiled in the New York Times says his day involved “reading newspapers, browsing the Web, and reading engineering textbooks from his college days.” Sounds like the average American office worker to me.

Professional Sorry-Sayer
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Saying sorry is hard. But in Japan, you don’t have to. Shazaiya Aiga Pro charges $240 for a face-to-face apology and $96 for an email or phone apology. One might question the ability of the guilty party to learn a lesson from their wrongs by letting someone else take the heat, but whatever works.

Fake Wedding Guest
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If you’ve ever seen “I Love You Man,” you know that for some people, friends are few and far between. Potential brides and grooms sometimes become anxious that they don’t have enough friends to fill the roles of a traditional wedding. Enter Office Agents, a company that charges $200 per fake wedding guest. Throw in $100 extra and the guests will give a speech ($50 more and he’ll dance). CEO Hiroshi Mizutani says, “We’ll attend the wedding as your friend instead of your friend.” Clients have even asked for a fake boss if they’ve recently been fired. “People are proud and they don’t want to tell their partner that they do not have many friends.”

Awesome! Time to propose…



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