In a sea of breakups, there are a few kinds you might experience in your life. Between unwanted back hair, evil homewreckers and closeted douches, there are any number of reasons a relationship could take a dive, but we find the following examples to be the most interesting. Let’s hope you don’t suffer through any of them.
The Honeymoon Hangover
We’ve all fallen victim to the end of the honeymoon period, those blissful couple first months where no wrong word can be uttered, no sweeter gesture made and no surer feeling of complete and total happiness experienced. Then one morning, she’s tying her shoes in front of you, and you realize you can’t stand the way she chases the bunny backwards around the tree, and you’ve had enough. At the same time, she notices you blink twice at a time and breathe heavily when she picks the Netflix. Before you know it, your lovey-dovey feelings are suddenly a lot like those moments before gladiators enter the ring: muttering swear words and amping yourself up in the hallway before every meeting. If you can’t make it past the honeymoon, we’re afraid it was too soon to combine your kitchen appliances.
It’s also considered “The Devil’s Threesome,” but you only get to watch. Anyone living in any major city knows this trick all too well. Everything is rainbows and orange sherbet until one of you finds another with the same qualities, only slightly better. Then it’s time to jump ship out of the clear blue. The new person will likely have similar features — facial hair, height and general interests — without the constant need to pee or incessant habit of correcting the other’s grammar. You’ll notice the trade-up when your now insignificant other’s attention span shortens, the number of sleepovers dwindle and some guy named Dirk starts spooning in between the two of you. He likely has a little more money, a better haircut and a nice pair of khaki pants always ironed and ready to politely whisk your woman away. People love what they have until they find something better.
The On-Again, Off-Again
Also known as “the punisher” (even though I made that up just now) the on-again, off-again is one of the most common breakups in history because every relationship can potentially maintain dozens of them. It’s the breakup style of gluttons for punishment who never learn from history, thinking they can right their wrongs only to realize more wrongs along the way. Anybody who falls victim to this is usually insecure, desperate and teetering on that age where their eggs or swimmers are slowly running out their expiration date. Hey, maybe this time will be different. Or maybe not.
The High School Cheat-Hearts
The couple who never left their teenage bubble to discover other worlds, other lands or other private parts may fall victim to this breakup. You’d think a relationship so comfortable would be glorious, but in the land of high school sweethearts, couples don’t grow together or apart. They simply don’t grow at all because there has been relatively less to challenge them in their ignorance. When the breakup comes, you’ll recognize these people as the ones mesmerized by bars, adult sex shops and gentlemen’s clubs because they’re seeing them for the first time at the not-so-ripe age of 38.
The Mutually Inconclusive
The general consensus is a double “I don’t know.” When neither person really knows what they want, they’re bound to stare indecisively at one another hoping they come up with something. Eventually, the well runs dry, the bill comes or the year ends and time has run out. The two will disband and start new relationships where they continue to represent at least half of a dysfunctional relationship incapable of making choices — as simple as where to eat dinner — whatsoever, even with a proverbial gun to their head. Maybe even a real one.
The “It’s Not You, It’s Me”
The oldest line in the book still works. It’s hard to get mad at someone who dumps you when they take full blame for it. They get out of it without making you feel like a total chump as they quietly celebrate their victory in the car. Meanwhile, you continue to think there’s nothing wrong with you. Don’t get us wrong, thereis something wrong with you, but this will not be the time when you find out what it is. The “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup puts the couple on decent terms, reduced to semi-platonic non-friends living in the same city who will not see each other until one random day in the grocery store — the most awkward conversation in the history of run-ins when your basket is full of ice cream and sad movies that belong in your VHS collection.
The Rebound Breakup
One of you knew it wasn’t going to work out the moment you walked into it, but hey, regular sex is hard to come by. Before jumping back into the single life, there’s nothing like a half-decent, semi-attractive person to help you pick up the broken pieces of your life. You’ll know you’re in a rebound relationship when you get in fights over issues from the previously unresolved relationship. It’s only a matter of time before one of you breaks a vase over the other’s head, calling them by your ex’s name with fiery rage in your eyes. Then again, you might get off easy and she’ll just screw all your friends quietly behind your back.
The “Go Eff Yourself”
This breakup is defined by its clear disdain for the idea of renewing a relationship for another season. Filled with hate sex and often ending with “I hate you, goodbye'” sex, the “go fuck yourself” fallout is as thrilling as it is saddening. Once the cheating, lying or other miscellaneous dysfunctions have come to light, the terror will quickly ensue with swearing, screaming, slapping and semi-empty threats that at most leave key marks on your car. Fear for the safety of your pets.
This breakup also goes by the name of its late stage attempts at reconciling, despite obvious truths of its impossibility: The Drunk & Disorderly. It may be accompanied by a song outside your window, belligerently begging for forgiveness while the neighbors or, our personal favorite, a hostage situation involving yourasshole cat.
You simply can’t get a word in without it ending in tears. It’s the most awkward breakup of all time, mainly because you haven’t said any of the real, honest, hurtful stuff yet and already a box of tissues has been sacrificed. This breakup has to be quick and to the point. “It’s not working. I’m sorry, but it’s over.” You knew this was going to be the case when he started crying during the end of “The Matrix” when Keanu Reeves finally believed he was “the one.” Come on, man. You have to know when it’s OK to cry.
The “I’m Too Old For This Shit”
You’re a grown-ass man who needs a real woman that will scratch your back after a hard day. She’s a grown-ass woman who needs a real man with a job and benefits. It happens to countless couples every single day: the constant battle for balance between a selfish woman and crybaby man-child. The animosity will build until the bubble pops. You’ll know it when one of you says the classic Danny Glover line, “I’m getting too old for this shit.” The line is usually followed by the slamming of doors or unapologetic pelvic thrusts.10 KINDS OF BREAKUPS YOU MIGHT EXPERIENCE IN YOUR LIFE