10 Lines From Comics Too Weird To Be True
With all the elaborate – and totally abnormal – happenings within the various storylines of Marvel and DC, it’s basically guaranteed that taking some lines out of context is sure to make them sound completely bonkers.
However, there are lines that stand out among others – both for still being totally weird in context, and for being unforgettably, undeniably weird.
A lot of this can be attributed to somewhat outdated language, as naturally the kind of things that are acceptable to say now and then differ massively. However, that’s not exclusively the case, as there’s also a vast portion of equally weird and wild stuff made within the worryingly recent past that’s sure to raise a few eyebrows.
10. “Batman Kills Babies.”
Although it’s not going to win any awards for most surprising comic book sentence, the concept of Mister Miracle subtly trying to convince people that Batman is a child murderer in his free time is both vaguely disturbing and absolutely hilarious.
It’s something about the absolute seriousness that he delivers the line with that makes it so bizarrely funny. The statement is obviously untrue (depending on how you perceive the deaths of his sidekicks), yet it’s also so honestly spoken that you almost believe Mister Miracle genuinely thinks the Dark Knight has some equally dark secret hobbies.
It is also unclear if he’s talking to his friend – the tastefully named Funky Flashman – or his actual infant son, which would make the whole thing even funnier. Warning your infant son of life’s dangers? Crucial. Weaning him off Batman at an early age? Perhaps less so.
9. “Time For A Man, Don’t You Think?”
While Hercules hasn’t always had the nicest of characterisations, this is maybe him at his most insufferable. It’s as though the writing team were given explicit instruction to make him as much of a gross jock stereotype as possible, and then they all worked overtime making that dream an awful reality.
The character is equally as unbearable in the rest of his time in the Wonder Woman comic – totally forgoing helping his fellow heroes to instead try and murder dudes – but it’s this intro line that seems the most irritating.
Of the possible dumb moves in the DC universe, saying women are somehow inferior directly to Wonder Woman is definitely a high-key dumb moment.
8. “The Thing About These Tights Is That They’re Y’know… Tight.”
While comic pickup lines are universally questionable at best, hitting on someone by reminding them that their spandex battle uniform is skin-tight is maybe the low-key creepiest possible way to do so. Especially when said person you’re trying to woo is Booster Gold – who is both entirely oblivious, and also notably not Batman.
What makes this outright hilarious, however, is the timing – or rather, total lack of timing, as this master class in romance is being carried out halfway through fighting a giant murderous robot.
Sure, ‘the course of love never did run smooth’ and all that – but that doesn’t mean you should ignore robot death lasers to try and get some sweet love interest angles going.
7. “Any Of You Who Don’t Want To Be Crushed By A Couple Tons Of Sexy… Look Out!”
Try and imagine any human – strange superpowers or not – saying this exact string of words. It’s impossible. It sounds more like a line out Shrek than anything from the pages of the X-men.
This tone isn’t helped by the fact the lines is said by The Blob, as he falls several stories out of a building. From a character who started life out as a super-powered circus side act, it’s actually quite impressive that the life of Fred Dukes only gets weirder and weirder as time goes on.
Dramatic falls out of windows are usually reserved for the likes of James Bond and other action heroes – so, if nothing else, you can possibly forgive the line for seeing the Blob follow in these heroes’ footsteps.
6. “So! They Laugh At My Boner, Will They?!”
Okay, so this one depends more on the childishness of the reader than any strangeness on the part of the writers. That said, it is funny to realise how much some phrases that were written in old comics just wouldn’t be said nowadays – especially given some scribes must have been creating double meanings on purpose.
Although it’s unlikely to scandalise folks the way some less savoury comic lines have, anyone who sees this particular panel out of context is sure to spend at least a good couple minutes wondering what exactly had lead up to that line occurring.
5. “Open Your Own KFC Right Here On Okaara.”
Finding a weird sentence in the blessing to this world that is the KFC/Justice League crossover is like looking for a comic book fan at a convention – there’s so many it’s actually difficult to pick out just one.
Mercifully, the creative team appears to have made this comic with the explicit intention of making the single best comic line in existence, by having Earth’s own Colonel Sanders make peace with the orange lanterns… by offering them KFC.
You can’t help but imagine all the Green Lanterns who gave their lives over the years fighting their orange brethren would probably be a little miffed that all it took for a ceasefire was some fried chicken, but this is the world they have to make due with.
4. “You And I Are Brothers… All You Need To Do Is Accept My Kiss.”
Vampires routinely have some sketchy family dealings – in and outside of comics. As such, it shouldn’t be all that surprising that Xarus has an interesting incest-esque moment halfway through X-Men: Curse of the Mutants.
Now, it’s technically not as bad as it sounds – Xarus is actually just offering to turn Cyclops into a vampire, which is comparatively less weird – until you think too hard about him referring to tearing a chunk out of someone’s neck to drink their blood as a ‘kiss’, and then it suddenly becomes much, much worse.
As much as Cyclops’ epic threatening speech in reply is badass, you can’t help but wish he’d just called out how downright bizarre what Xarus had said was, then and there.
3. “If I Wanted A Human To Touch Me… I’d Call Posh Spice!”
Where other lines tend to be more offensively strange, this stroke of writing genius is just pure, distilled weirdness.
While it makes sense that Skrulls have learnt Earth culture, the idea of them having extensive pop culture knowledge is the most bizarre fact to come out of a comic maybe ever. More importantly, it implies that the Skrulls are at least fans of Posh Spice – which means not only do they know about girl bands, but they also really enjoy them.
While the writers categorically didn’t mean to invent an alternate universe where their evil alien race are huge fans of the Spice Girls, it’s also maybe the single best accident of comic history.
2. “Kudos To Cancer! If I’d Tried Carrying You Eighty Pounds Ago, We Wouldn’t Have Gotten Two Feet!’
There are few lines more obviously controversial than the phrase ‘Kudos to cancer’. This interesting awfulness is enhanced by the fact that this is said by our hero, Daredevil, to his currently cancer-riddled best pal Foggy.
Proving himself the ultimate best friend, Foggy avoids the natural reaction someone would have upon hearing this line – i.e, immediately removing that person from your life forever.
Although it’s a heroic trait to try and look on the bright side of life, trying to tell your friend that their cancer had a positive benefit is maybe not the most tasteful move ever. At the very least, the fact it doesn’t immediately equal a huge fight proves that Foggy has a secret superpower of being the chillest guy ever.
1. “Aquababy’s Growing Up – And Like Any Kid, He Loves Rough Stuff! You Don’t Want Him To Be A Sissy, Do You?”
The life – and death –of Aquababy is one surrounded with comic controversy. It’s almost a blessing that it is, because that’s the only way that this fresh nightmare of a line has been collectively forgotten by the comic community. The worst part? It comes from our fish-based savior, Aquaman.
The weirdest part is that it doesn’t really make sense. If every kid loves rough stuff, that includes feminine kids, and so – by Aquaman’s own logic – he really doesn’t need to worry about his child. This aside, the fact that Aquaman is saying this line to defend throwing his son like a particularly sturdy football is maybe the most interesting – and most concerning – part of this whole spectacular trainwreck.
Hopefully, this one doesn’t make it to the new film.