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10 REASONS NO ONE GOES TO THE MOVIES ANYMORE

In 2002, American theaters sold 1.57 billion tickets. In 2014, they sold 1.26 billion, even though between those years the U.S. gained 30 million people in population. Why did movie theaters lose “big league” in those years, as Donald Trump would say? For some reason, theaters have lost their luster. And although the summer of 2015 saw high-grossing releases such as “Mad Max: Fury Road,” “Minions” and “Jurassic World,” we can all agree that movies have lost their status as a national pastime. Let’s look at some of the reasons why.

The Movies
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As George Lucas said at last year’s Sundance Film Festival, “It’s now gotten to be more circus than substance.” One good example of this is the fact that a movie about fish is dominating the sequels to “Zoolander” and “Independence Day,” which have received a predictable 23 percent and 31 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, respectively. It’s almost as if they’re waiting for James Cameron to come along and raise the bar, but he’s been too busy making “Avatar” sequels to show Hollywood how it’s done. He’ll be back in 2023 after he’s done making billions off action figures.

Doing One Thing Is Hard
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In the 21st century, sitting still for two hours is hard. People have 30 streams of digital content torching their brains at all times, so movies don’t provide that same dopamine drip anymore. It’s like being on a heroin binge for 10 years only to ween yourself off with baby aspirin. There’s nothing social about movies, and social media is the new social. Essentially, movie theaters aren’t that appealing to our instant-gratification psychology anymore.

Theaters Are Full of Frat Boys, Smartphones and Smelly People
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It’s important to note that big city theaters are zoos; what little smidgen of respect still existed for the cinema has been replaced with hordes of loud iPhone monkeys congregating to ruin everyone’s time. A night out at the movies is like attending an Oakland Raiders game. It’s uncomfortable, and you never know when a bag of piss is going to hit your head.

You Spend Three Month’s Salary on Concessions
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Although buttery movie popcorn is like a mouth orgasm, the $10 Cokes aren’t worth it. The average price of a movie ticket in New York City is $15, and it’s only going up. Young adults are too preoccupied with paying their student loans to shell out $40 to gamble on a two-hour crapshoot. Plus, one month of Netflix is half the price of a movie ticket.

Hollywood Beats Trends Like A Dead Horse
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“Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice,” “X-Men: Apocalypse,” “Captain America: Civil War” and “Deadpool” are all in the top 10 highest grossing films of 2016. So it works. But how many origin stories do we need? They did the same thing with zombies until Kristen Stewart killed that fad, and they’ll do the same with something else until they stop analyzing the data like Japanese robots and focus on the best stories.

It’s the Golden Age of Television
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Seriously. There’s even a Wikipedia page for it, so you know it’s legit. In 2015, there were more than 400 American TV series. “Breaking Bad,” “Game of Thrones,” “Mad Men,” “The Americans,” “The Wire,” “The Walking Dead,” “Fargo,” “Boardwalk Empire” — all utterly fantastic and concerned with aesthetics and storytelling. Not to mention the rise of masterful Netflix originals such as “House of Cards” and “Orange is the New Black.” Broadway bro Steven Soderbergh mentioned during the 2013 Cannes Festival that “TV has really taken control of the conversation that used to be the reserve of movies.” Where big movie studios have failed, TV has leaped to fill the niche, HBO especially.

Having to Take a Piss
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It’s a seemingly insignificant con to going to the movies, but it creeps into your subconscious like a childhood uncle. I’m not saying theaters need to install built-in toilets, but it’s a lot more convenient to stick with the home entertainment system when a bathroom is 10 feet away.

Netflix Signed Adam Sandler
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Netflix — and other online technologies like Hulu, Amazon and YouTube — are stealing the audiences. They’re taking the eyes from Hollywood and killing their revenue. Now that consumers are staying home, movie budgets are becoming tighter. Wrangling in “King of the Comedy Blockbuster” Adam Sandler with a four-movie deal is a sign that times are a changin’. Look what happened to Blockbuster Video if you want to see the future of AMC, Regal and Cinemark. As Netflix’s 75 million subscribers reaches Facebook levels of popularity, the talent will flock to this medium. And so will the dollars.

That One Asshole Who Claps at the End of the Movie
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Dude, it’s not a play. The actors aren’t present, nor is the director. Do you clap at the end of a movie you watch at home? No. Are you clapping for the projectionist? He isn’t there anymore because a digital projector stole his job. You’re clapping for no one. I’m betting half of the 61 percent of people who don’t go to the movies anymore avoid theaters because of this man.

The Movies Aren’t “Cool” Anymore
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Even Roger Ebert hated the movies. When the coolest of the coolest says that movies aren’t cool anymore, it’s harder for groups of friends to get excited about “Ride Along 2.” It’s important to remember that there ARE good movies out there, and that “Americans love the movies as much as ever.” But, as the world-famous film critic put it, “It’s the theaters that are losing their charm.”

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