THE 10 MOST TALENTED VAGINAS ON EARTH
Let’s talk about the vagina for a second, shall we? The female reproductive organ is a thing of no small mystery to most men. Because much of it is concealed inside the body, it’s hard to figure out exactly what it’s capable of. Fret not, dear readers, because we’re about to blow the metaphorical doors off of this piece. In this article, we’ll travel the globe to meet 10 women with incredibly talented vaginas capable of performing feats of skill, strength and… gardening?
The Yogurt Making Vagina
The human body is a breeding ground for hundreds of different types of bacteria, from the gut flora that enables us to digest our food to the fetid-smelling little guys that make our sweaty armpits stink. The vagina is home to its fair share of bacteria, and one woman managed to convince hers to help her out. Cecilia Westbrook, M.D., Ph.D., wondered whether the bacteria in her lady-town could be used to make yogurt, so she isolated a sample and produced a few batches. The results were successful, creating a tart, funky treat high in probiotics.
The Pistol Packing Vagina
This one takes “concealed weaponry” to a whole new level. When police picked up Dallas Archer in Tennessee for driving without a license, they took her into custody at the Kingsport jail. During her pat-down, the officer noticed that Archer had a little more bulk down there than normal. When the police got her pants off, it was revealed that the 21-year-old delinquent had shoved a 4-inch North American Arms 22LR revolver up her vagina. The pistol had been stolen a few years earlier, and Archer couldn’t give any good explanation for why she thought it was a good idea to stuff it up her coot.
The Kung Fu Vagina
The vagina has muscles just like anywhere else on the body, and if a lady wants to train them in martial arts she has every right to do so. Kim Anami is the world’s leading proponent of “vaginal kung fu,” which she claims makes the pelvic floor stronger and increases the pleasure you get from sex. Anami uses a small jade egg inside her vagina, which she ties to a variety of objects from dumbbells to coconuts. Now she spreads the gospel of vaginal kung fu to other women, traveling the world teaching people how to do it. On herInstagram account, she uses the hashtag #thingsIliftwithmyvagina to chronicle her exploits.
The Wool Storing Vagina
Let’s be honest: The penis isn’t good for much besides peeing and boning. It’s really good at both of those things, though! Vaginas, on the other hand, are finding new uses every day. If you ask artist Casey Jenkinswhat hers is good for, she’ll show you a scarf. During her 28-day performance of “Casting Off My Womb,” she knit it from skeins of wool stored in her punani. The artwork was designed to document the length of her menstrual cycle, and a video of Jenkins knitting went viral worldwide, to a wide spectrum of reactions.
The Magical 70-Year-Old Vagina
When you get to the ripe old age of 72, you’ve had a lot of time with your vagina. But for Vicky Leyton, who spent her life in the Spanish beach village of Benidorm, her coot was the key to her living. Known as “Sticky Vicky,” Leyton performed six shows of vaginal magic every night to eager crowds of tourists. Leyton’s 30-minute act started with her pulling scarves and a bouquet of flowers out of her downstairs and just got wilder from there. In the course of her routine, Vicky blasted ping-pong balls into the audience, blew out torches with gusts of queef and brought the house down by pulling a glowing light bulb from her privates. Sadly, Vicky retired in 2016, but her daughter is carrying on the tradition.
The World’s Strongest Vagina
Yes, “vaginal weightlifting” is a real sport, and the world champion has a hoo-ha that can haul some serious poundage. After Russian woman Tatiata Kozhevnikova gave birth to her child, she was upset by the looseness downtown. Unlike millions of other women, Tatiata decided to do something about it. She embarked upon a mission to increase the strength of her vagina through weightlifting, and hauling increasingly heavy objects week after week using only her vaginal muscles. This dedication earned her a slot in the Guinness Book of World Records when she lifted a pair of 31-pound dumbbells with her lady-bits.
The Cell Phone Charging Vagina
Is there a more frustrating experience in the world than seeing your phone battery go below 10 percent and not being able to find a charger? The “Body As Commodity” installation at 2014’s Art Basel Miami presented a particularly unusual solution to this problem in the form of a nude model named Lena Marquise with an iPhone charger stuffed up her hoo-ha. Patrons could pay money to plug their devices in and top off their batteries to “exemplify the exchange of simulated sexuality for monetary gain.” I’m not sure exactly what that means, but smarter people assure me that it’s art, so there you go.
The Potato Growing Vagina
We’ve already discussed the unique bacterial makeup of the vagina — it’s a rich environment for lots of things to grow. But a potato? In a bizarre but true story, a young lady in Colombia crammed a spud up there as a primitive form of birth control, only to have her plan backfire when the tuber started growing roots. The woman came to the hospital complaining of intense pains in her abdomen, and when doctors examined her they discovered that the potato had germinated in there. She told them that her mother had informed her about this unconventional method of contraception.
The Most Beautiful Vagina In The World
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it’s also in the vagina of a 27-year-old British woman. Brian Sloan, the inventor of the “Autoblow” sex toy (it does exactly what you think it does) is a man obsessed with sex parts, and when he wanted to create an artificial punani he decided to model it on the most beautiful one he could find. So he put out an open call for photographs, and hundreds of women from all around the world obliged. Sloan then let people vote on the most aesthetically pleasing. The winner, who goes by the pseudonym “Nell,” was awarded $5,000 and flown to Berlin to have a mold of her parts made.
The Groundbreaking Art Vagina
Widely considered one of the most iconic moments in the history of performance art, Carolee Schneemann and her 1975 Interior Scroll was both shocking and invigorating. Schneemann’s earlier work explored the intersection of art and eroticism, and Interior Scroll expanded on those themes. The artist read passages from a book while painting her face, climaxing while extracting a scroll from inside her lady parts, unfolding it and reading it aloud as well. The exploration of vagina as both a symbolic and physical location increased Schneemann’s standing in the art world, and she’s continued to create interesting and vital art over the past four decades.