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10 THINGS YOU SHOULD BE CATCHING BESIDES POKÉMON

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It seems like almost everyone has jumped on the “Pokémon Go” app and started running around searching for Pokémon to capture. It also seems to be a lot more adults than kids, and while I’m glad they’re having fun with it, there are more important things you should be catching that come with a much higher reward. So do you want to waste your time on games or do you want to make a difference and maybe even some money? Here’s what you really should be catching out there.

1. A Celebrity Doing Something Stupid
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You know how much TMZ and all those gargoyles will pay for an embarrassing celebrity photo? Instead of tracking Pokémon all over the place, see if you can figure out where Taylor Swift is brainwashing her next horde of celebs and snap that picture that’ll pay for your next two weddings.

2. Anything Out of One of Those Big T-shirt Cannons
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I don’t know why we love those things so much, but I’m pretty sure you could fill it with bees and we’d still shove a kid to the ground to catch it. We all know it’s going to be an XL beefy Hanes tee that you’ll sleep in when nothing else is clean.

3. Whoever’s Been Stealing Your Newspapers
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Sure it’s much easier and more practical to read the news online or get the digital version of the paper, but you paid for it, and whoever the CRIMINAL is that’s been stealing the Sunday paper with all the coupons in it is about to experience some swift, hard justice. That’s not a Pokémonl coming at your face; that’s my pokefist. (It’s just my regular fist, to be clear.)

4. Those Damn Raccoons That Keep Getting Into the Trash
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Just tell your kids they’re a super rare type of Pokémon that you have to catch with a net and a cage instead of a ball. They’ll have a great time making memories and you won’t have to spend extra money on those ForceFlex garbage bags. Just make sure they wear gloves because rabies is a whole other set of problems.

5. The Zodiac Killer
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The authorities never caught him. Maybe you can give Detective Bulbasaur a break and go crack a serial killer investigation wide open!

6. A Predator
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Chris Hansen isn’t chasing down creeps anymore, so you could be the guy that comes from around the corner and asks horny perverts to take a seat after the decoy sprints out of the house as fast as humanly possible. Do you think any of them were coming over just to hang out and chat? I don’t. I think they were there for sex, to be quite honest.

7. The Bouquet at a Wedding
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It’s stupid and useless, but if you catch it you get to be center stage during someone else’s wedding and that’s something you can’t pull off unless you have a serious public meltdown. You get the spotlight without anyone questioning your mental stability!

8. Your Dad Smoking Cigarettes Again
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He knows your mom doesn’t like it and that’s why he’s always volunteering to take the dog for a walk. If you can catch him out there with a Marlboro Light in his mouth, he’ll do just about anything to keep you from telling your mom. You just Pokémon’d your way back into your father’s will, my friend! And by “Pokémon’d” I mean “blackmailed” of course.

9. Your Neighbor Having an Affair
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Now we’re getting into some real dirty money. If you think the tabloids pay a lot for celebrity pics, just wait until you see how much your neighbor will pay for you to keep your mouth shut about the Reiki instructor he’s been having over during his “conference calls.” Nice try pal, Fifth Harmony had less innuendos about “Work From Home” than you.

10. Crabs
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Grab your swim trunks, head to the beach and…wait, wait, wait. Don’t do that. I just realized what I said. Sorry. Ignore this one.

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