10 THINGS NO MAN WILL EVER ADMIT HE TOUCHES HIMSELF TO

“There are some things in this world that go way beyond human understanding, things that can’t be explain, things that most people don’t want to know about. That is where we come in.” To steal a line from the classic (even for a sequel) “Ghostbusters 2,” we’d now like to relay 10 things no man will ever admit to touching himself to, that is, for nothing but pure, unadulterated and very strange pleasure.

His Best Friend’s Mom

file_1117209_thingsnomanwilleveradmithetoucheshimselfto1
We all had one: the hot mom of a best friend. Chances are your relationship wit this “friend” was either built because of his mother’s MILF-y unassuming grace or is way closer than it would be if said friend were without such a hot mama. Either way, you know what you’re up to, “accidentally” spilling your Ecto-Cooler juice box on their kitchen floor.

His Mom’s Best Friend

file_1117209_thingsnomanwilleveradmithetoucheshimselfto2
Spare us the tales of your strange sexual fetishes because there’s nothing more disturbing than getting your rocks off to your mother’s buddy. She’s probably not that attractive but considering her proximity to the woman who *first* breastfed you, we think this to be an unhealthy attraction. Although, it happens, whether we abide with the laws of attraction or not.

Hot Cartoons

The Jessica Rabbits and Lois Griffins of the world have a strange hold on us. We know we’ll never be in the same room as them, perhaps that being the appeal. Fantasy plays a big role in the sexual realm, but quite frankly, these two-dimensional figures were indirectly designed to please our fragile psyches and lonely hearts.

The Neighbors Having Sex

file_1117209_thingsnomanwilleveradmithetoucheshimselfto4
It’s better than listening to your sister having sex, unless of course, your sister is your neighbor. The paper-thin walls of any urban dwelling is a catalyst for many an unsolicited pleasure session. Is it your fault you happen to be a man of both place and time? Or is their fault for screwing with the windows open? The jury is out in this situation, just like your peen.

Target’s Sunday Ads

file_1117209_thingsnomanwilleveradmithetoucheshimselfto5
It’s one desperate step down (OK, several) from your mother’s Victoria’s Secret catalogue she gets in the mail. The Sunday paper never held more promise than it did when you were a teen, but if you’re still going about it this way, you’re living between a rock and very weird, hard place.

“Baywatch” Reruns

file_1117209_thingsnomanwilleveradmithetoucheshimselfto6
It’s only embarrassing because the picture quality was so bad. Between Pam Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth and a slew of other summer hotties who rotated through, your mother had to coax you to change the channel while you hid your hard-felt love for these strange women under a not-so-inconspicuous blanket at the ripe age of adolescence. We just can’t understand why Jamie Lee Curtis had such a major role. Don’t get us wrong; she was great in “Trading Places.”
You know we’ll be taking FULL advantage of the new “Baywatch” reboot with Kelly Rohrbach, maybe even in the theater. Just kidding, please don’t.

His Ex’s Undies

file_1117209_thingsnomanwilleveradmithetoucheshimselfto7
She never came to pick them up after the breakup. Now there they are. You sit with them while you weep naked in the corner of the room with nothing but Adele albums and a box of tissues to console you. Since the tissues are here, why not make full use of this tragic encounter?

“Prenatal Yoga”

file_1117209_thingsnomanwilleveradmithetoucheshimselfto8
Because hey, yoga pants, even if they’re preggers. So what if it’s a community access TV show. It’s probably a healthier choice than “Orange Is the New Black” or “The L Word.” But then again, girl-on-girl kissing scenes are the bee’s knees.

“Double Dare”

ezgif-42021292821
All we’re going to say is that, as a child of misspent youth, when the slime came out and a hot girl was on the show, the stars had aligned. Maybe it’s because we all loved “Ghostbusters” so damn much.

TGIF

file_1117209_thingsnomanwilleveradmithetoucheshimselfto10
Many of our first loves came from TGIF, along with our first confused, tormented and sexualized feelings of being a two-handed teen. Considering all our childhood shows we want to see streaming already, there were a few choice girls on set (Jaimee Foxworth, Christine Lakin, Staci Keanan, Danielle Fishel)
It’s better than getting aroused to your grandparents wedding photos, right? Right! Seriously though, that’s a thing on Reddit.