10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT ADULTHOOD YOU NEVER NOTICED AS A KID
Let me preface this article by saying that I am a single man pushing 30 years old. I don’t have kids, but I do have plenty of friends with them and I watch my share of stand-up comedy and CBS sitcoms (just kidding about that last one, gross), so I think I have a basic understanding of how miserable it can be 90 percent of the time. All that said, I can still remember a time when life wasn’t so bad, and these 10 comparisons will certainly prove to you that children have it made in the shade.
Waking Up at 7 a.m.
Remember when your biggest responsibility was nothing? Those were the days, huh? Sure, kids are assigned chores to fulfill to make them feel like anything they do until they move out of the house matters, but it’s all just to humor them. If they had to deal with any of the stress that comes from an actual job, they wouldn’t excitedly wake up every Saturday morning (or the other six days, for that matter) at 7 a.m. to watch cartoons. As an adult who literally has to wake up that early to survive, I would gladly exchange every pleasant memory from every “X-Men” animated series episode I ever watched for just five more minutes of sweet, sweet sleep. And that’s after I already hit snooze until 8 a.m.
Bending Down to Pick Up Anything
When I was a child, I used to climb to the very top of the jungle gym daily and leap off, tucking and rolling my way to the next potential broken leg. Nowadays, I seriously have to contemplate whether it will be worth the agony of bending down to pick up a dropped pen before I attempt such a feat. And even then, I usually end up purposely kicking it under a table and pretending like I didn’t notice I dropped it in the first place. Thriftier people than I would be wise to start following me around and collecting the loose change that I immediately chalk up as a loss the second it hits the ground.
Every Time You Stand on Your Knees for More Than 10 Seconds
The same could be said for crouching. Back in the day, I’d ruin countless pairs of pants because I was continually sliding around on gym floors and climbing through McDonald’s playhouses. Now, even the shortest period of time spent on my knees is followed by the excruciating pain of struggling back to my feet. After the last time I had to look under my kitchen sink for cleaning supplies, I considered attaching a rope to the ceiling above just so I’d have extra support as I strained to get up. Then I remembered that I couldn’t even climb a rope as a child and scrapped the whole thing.
Sprinting Toward Something You Are Excited For
Anymore, it would take a dead relative rising from the grave for me to even lightly trot toward them with any form of enthusiasm. Who has the energy for it? Recently, I attended a wedding and tried to cut a rug on the dance floor to “Shout” and wound up with one of those side aches you get from jogging. Keep in mind, this was the abridged version of the song, too. But it used to be that something as simple as getting in line for Six Flags tickets would have me darting to the entrance ahead of my parents, even though I knew it would result in having to wear one of those awful child leashes. Of course, now that I’m the adult, you can bet your ass any child under my care will have one strapped to his wrist out of the sheer fear that I would have to chase him otherwise.
I don’t know about anyone else, but when I was a kid, going out for groceries was not only an adventure, but one I would usually come back from with toys. That’s pretty much all you could ask for as a child, so you were stoked at that potential alone. Not to mention the fact that for the first several years of your life, you’d also be carted around like a king. As an adult grocery shopper, the whole process is depressing and takes valuable time away from sitting on your ass eating whatever disgusting food you’re ashamed to come back with. If that’s not comparing shiny new apples to rotting oranges, I don’t know what is.
Taking a Bath
Those toys I just mentioned used to go great with a nighttime bubble bath, which was the main draw to taking one in the first place. Sure, most kids don’t exactly love getting clean, but combined with imagination and a few choice action figures, it wasn’t without its perks. But as you get older, and especially if you aren’t a woman (they seem to still find ways to enjoy them somehow), about the only time you will catch yourself taking a bath is when you are sick with the flu and trying to break your fever by taking a hot soak. Furthermore, you’re still going to have to shower afterwards considering you’re sitting in a combination of liquid body odor, flop sweat and what I can only imagine resides in the average buttcrack by day’s end.
Candy used to be a no strings attached treat that you could eat nonstop with minimal effect on your body. Now, a fun-size Hershey bar could potentially ruin your life. Whereas children keep going back for more because it’s delicious and has no consequences, adults basically eat it to punish themselves, all the while realizing that the pure garbage they’re shoveling into their fat bodies isn’t nearly as good as they remember it. Ditto for sugary breakfast cereals.
If there’s any one category that sums up this entire article in a nutshell, it’s this one. Family vacations are great as a child because, as the kid, you contribute nothing to it other than being a pain in the ass the entire time. So imagine being locked in a cramped space with several of them as an adult for a long period of time. Children can’t sit still for 10 minutes, so good luck with 10 states. Not to mention every other aspect that goes into a vacation that you’re also in charge of. Are we having fun yet?
Everything about the daily commute to school as a child versus to work as an adult is different, and virtually none of it is in a good way. The bus ride to school may not have been the funnest part of your day growing up, but at least you had people to hang out with who were your age and hopefully fun. The people you are sharing the road to work with are just angry, and for some reason always in a hurry and hate you. Basically, just like the old Volkswagen ads used to say, “On the road of life, there are passenger and there are drivers.” You’re now officially always the driver. Lucky you.
The Company of Children
All points were ultimately leading to this. Kids suck. We all know it. We all hate that we were one of them. The only reason we have to be around them now is because they would die without us. On top of that, we’re the entire reason their lives are so great in the first place. And in return, we wind up looking like Chris Farley above when forced to spend the day with them. Doesn’t really seem fair, does it?