10 Totally Outdated Ways You May Be Ruining Perfectly Good Sex

Worst Things To Do During Sex

With all of the mechanics and subtleties in the lead-up to and execution of sex, there are a plethora of blunders a guy can make when trying to make sweet, sweet love. And, as you probably know, the wrong physical faux pas (“Wrong hole!”) or verbal gaffe (“You smell… funny!”) can easily send a woman running and/or screaming from the bedroom.

Fortunately (for you, not me), I’ve already made most of these mistakes, so you don’t have to. And those I haven’t committed myself, I’ve learned of from stories submitted to my weekly advice video series, “Dude Seriously?” Let our collective pain be your gain, as I present you with the 10 worst things committed by dudes doing the deed.

10. Protest

Worst Things To Do During Sex

Once her sexual motor is running, the last thing you want to do is… well,anything that could derail the train to Pleasureville. Go along with whatever your partner says. If she wants the lights out, turn the lights out. If she wants to listen to Slipknot, bring out the clown mask and crank the music up. And if she asks you to get a condom, then you better go get a condom. Get six if she says so.

9. Talk Too Much

Worst Things To Do During Sex

A dirty phrase or two might kick things into high gear, but unless you’re with a Suicide Girl, Tiger Woods, or a repressed politician, an endless stream of filth will do nothing but kill the mood. Believe it or not, most women don’t aspire to star in their very own triple-X porn, so keep those words to yourself to prevent her from zoning out. Incidentally, the same goes for reciting from great works of literature, small talk and Bible quotes.

8. Sing

Serenading your partner while riding a Venetian gondola? Romantic. Serenading your partner while she’s riding you? Bordering on psychopathic. Even the most devoted of musical theatre fans will find your mid-thrust rendition of To Dream the Impossible Dream distracting at best, and terrifying at worst. Pulling off a romantic song performance is difficult enough under ideal circumstances — during sex it’s just a total no-no.

7. Ignore Your Partner

Despite how you may have practised at home, sex is best as a two-person sport. Pay attention to your partner’s needs, taking cues from physical feedback. If you want a repeat customer, listen and watch for indications of both pleasure and discomfort, always adjusting accordingly. Treat her like she’s the only person on earth. And don’t you dare pick up that phone call. Unless it’s Mum — it could be important.

6. Offer Constructive Criticism

Worst Things To Do During Sex

Though you want to be on the same page as your partner, there’s a time and place for communicating preferences verbally. A gentle suggestion or two is one thing, but a report card is the last thing your partner wants to receive while in the throes of ecstasy. Save your post-game analysis for the cuddling session — by that point she’ll be much more receptive to critiques of her “member-handling” techniques.

5. Check The Time

It doesn’t matter how late you may be for dinner with your parents, a dentist appointment or your second date of the night — glances at any clock, phone, cable box or sundial will be taken as an insult and an indication that you aren’t enjoying yourself. However, if you’re worried about missing Sunday Mass, and absolutely must check the time, watch-wearers can do it one-handed, behind her head. That’s class.

4. Finish Too Soon

Worst Things To Do During Sex

Perhaps the most common trouble faced by men, premature ejaculation afflicts nearly every newbie and plenty of experienced dudes. Avoid going out on a date with a “loaded gun” to prevent sharing a nickname with Usain Bolt, “The Fastest Man on Earth.” If it’s too late for that, imagine your grandparents playing baseball. Naked. It will keep you from orgasm for hours on end.

3. Finish Too Late

The only thing worse than climaxing too early is putting your date at risk of a perforated spleen by pounding her into oblivion. Once your partner has successfully reached the peak of arousal, finish up quickly and efficiently. If it’s just not gonna happen, best to get out as soon as possible so as not to end the night as a crumpled, tearful mess at the foot of her bed, sobbing over how much you miss your ex-girlfriend.

2. Thank Her

Unless she’s a hired gun, no woman wants to feel like she’s done you a favour. Never, under any circumstances, should you thank a civilian. Expressing gratitude will not only cheapen the experience and make her feel used, but it will cast doubts upon the frequency with which you must be getting laid. “Is he so desperate for sex,” she’ll think, “that he would feel the need to thank a woman for having pity upon him?” Maybe so, but keep this secret to yourself, pal.

1. Call Her By Another Name

There is no greater offence than forgetting who you are in the process of penetrating. Punishable by a minimum sentence of two weeks abstinence, up to a maximum sentence of death, calling a woman by another name is an almost surefire way to ensure she will never want to see you again. Which, I guess, could be a good thing depending on the situation… In that case, before you attempt something this crazy, at least make sure the evening is coming to a close and all sharp objects are out of sight



10 Totally Outdated Ways You May Be Ruining Perfectly Good Sex

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