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10 Types Of Facebook Profile Pictures That Need To Go Away Forever

 

Before you start yelling at me and saying that I should just mind my own business and let everyone do whatever they want on Facebook, let me preface by saying that this is for no benefit of my own. I just don’t want you to end up on one of those worst of Facebook lists because you didn’t realize you were posting something that everyone else mocks. Let me be your Facebook Whisperer and guide you away from mocking territory. Then, if you still get ridiculed after reading this guide, you can blame it all on me and say that I told you to do it. Facebook has been around for a while, but these profile pictures just won’t go away. Let’s end them once and for all. Together we can make a difference. Here are 10 types of Facebook profile pictures that need to disappear forever.

1. The Mirror Selfie

This was totally appropriate in 2003 when you put it on MySpace with the caption “rawr” and had Fall Out Boy’s “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (But I’m Gonna Give It My Best Shot) “ blasting out as your profile song. Unfortunately, you’re in your early 30s now and your bathroom counter is covered in so much debris it looks like a pipe bomb just went off in your toilet. Is it too much trouble to spray some Windex on that mirror? See, these are not things you need to be worried about with your profile picture. You’ve got more important things to do, like getting those hard water stains off your shower door.

2. The Awkwardly Cropped Ex

You’re a strong, independent woman. You’re beautiful and any man would be lucky to have you. With that being said, surely there are pictures of you good enough to replace the one of you and your ex in Miami two years ago. It would be less awkward if you just left the picture of the two of you on there, but that awkward crop job you did isn’t doing anyone in favors. You can clearly see his full arm around you, so it looks like you murdered someone and you’re very crudely trying to hide all evidence of it. Plus, when you crop it, the picture ends up zoomed in a tremendous amount, so it looks like it was either taken from space or captured by Seth Green from the surveillance van in Enemy of the State.

3. The Clearly Photoshopped Picture

There are people that do graphic work professionally and use Photoshop every day of their lives, and even they can make mistakes where the edits are obvious. What on earth makes you think that you’ll be able to create photo realistic edits in an app that you got for free on your Android? You didn’t even buy the full version! Just stick to the natural you that we’ve all seen countless times instead of creating some sort of smooth-faced monster creation with less facial features than a Michael Myers’ Halloween mask.

4. Looking At The Screen And Not At The Camera

This one bothers me so much because I don’t understand how it can go overlooked every single time. When you take a picture of yourself, you should be looking at the camera and not at the screen. I know you can see yourself in the screen and it can be a bit distracting, but please try and stay on point. It looks like you’re in a Scooby-Doo cartoon and looking through the eyes of an old painting where your face is frozen with a smile, but your eyes are wandering around looking for Fred and Velma.

5. The Snapchat Filter

Snapchat has caused every cute girl to identify as part puppy, and it has to stop. You know that’s not what you really look like, right? I mean, you’re beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but that shiny-face tiara and those dog ears just come off silly when you present it as your actual face. Post them on Snapchat all day and send them to your friends until they start buying you Milk Bones for your birthday, but please just let your Facebook pals see your real face. I feel like I’m writing lyrics to a very bad James Blunt song right now.

6. No Actual Pictures Of Yourself

Have you ever gotten a friend request from someone and scrolled through their profile pictures only to see a parade of memes, screenshots, movie characters, and Johnny Cash flipping off the camera? It’s terrifying. Is this even a person or is it some sort of sentient Imgur account that’s become self-aware? No one is going to steal your identity via Facebook profile picture if that’s what you’re worried about. Honestly, we’re all just assuming you’re using a fake name and created a profile to low-key stalk your ex.

7. The Cause

This one is a bit touchy, but let me explain. Supporting a cause has gone from actually going out and doing something to make a difference to simply changing your profile picture, closing your laptop, and feeling like you’ve really made a difference. If you want to support a cause with your profile picture, that’s fine. Just make sure that’s not the only thing you’re doing. OK, back to jokes!

8. The Bro Pose

Are you wearing a tank top with a backwards hat on and it’s clear you’ve been doing shots of tequila for six days? Maybe that’s not the best picture to use to represent who you are as a person. A potential employer, the parents of someone you’re dating, or your future children are going to see that picture. Do you really want them to think the most important thing in your life was two-for-one night at Molly Malone’s Pub?

9. The Girl Pose

I don’t understand how this pose happens. It’s like it’s bred into girl’s DNA as soon as they join a sorority. You know the pose — a slight turn with their head tilted to show their good side and the signature hand on the hip. It looks like a promotional picture for a crossover between Bring it On and Olive Garden. I want to suggest stopping it, but honestly, I don’t know if it’s humanly possible.

10. The Same Picture Since 2004

OK, let’s talk about this for a second. I have friends on Facebook that have had the exact same picture for over a decade. If you’re not active on there, I understand. But these people post every single day. Are you telling me you haven’t had a presentable photograph taken of yourself since George W. Bush was president? Were you in some sort of Spider-Man villain-adjacent accident that left you horribly disfigured, but with the power to turn your body to sand and move about without being detected or injured? I’m going to guess no, so please show us what you look like now. The suspense is killing us!

 

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