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10 Types Of Sex Technology That Freak Us Out

Couple hiding under sheets

If there’s one thing that’s consistent in the world of human behavior, it’s that we like to have sex. That’s probably good, because it enables us to make more humans and continue destroying this planet. But the problem is that we’ve got big, awful brains and we get bored quickly. That’s why inventors have been trying to jazz up old-fashioned banging with the latest technology for the past hundred years or so. That’s why a dentist actually came up with a retainer that will help someone give better blow jobs, and that’s why there is an app to help stop premature ejaculation.

So come with us on a journey into the bowels of gadget hell as we spotlight ten technological advances in sex that are too weird for their own good.

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One of the biggest differences between the sexes is how you do oral. Going down on a guy is the easiest thing imaginable, but servicing women is a little tougher. Like everything else in this world, there’s an app for that. Lick bills itself as the first cunnilingus trainer for your mobile phone, and it’s pretty disturbing. After covering your phone screen with plastic wrap to keep saliva out, you can practice three different exercises – either flicking a light switch on and off, using an old-school pencil sharpener, or bouncing a beach ball – with your tongue. The app monitors your dexterity and keeps track of your best efforts.

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One of the biggest trends in sex technology is teledildonics – the ability to basically bone somebody at a distance. There are already a few dildos and penis sleeves that are doing this, but nothing quite as bizarre as Kissenger. This gadget from developer Loveotics is designed to give you the ability to kiss someone from anywhere in the world. The animal-shaped device has a pair of big silicone lips on the front that contain motors and sensors inside. They detect the pressure and movement of your lips and then transmit those readings to a paired device over the Internet, which replicates them. Sucking face like this seems weird as hell, but we’ll see if the device ever makes it out of the concept stage.

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The market for male sex toys has expanded wildly in the last decade or so as all manner of Fleshlights and other dingus sleeves have hit the market. That said, we’ve never seen anything quite like the Satyr, a masturbation aid / piece of furniture by Dutch designer Bastiaan Buijs. Consisting of a bizarre lump of bright pink medical grade silicone mounted atop four sturdy legs of maple wood, it’s designed to be “mounted” by its owners and used for you know what before being hosed off and proudly displayed in the middle of your living room. Why this is necessary is still an open question.

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Google Glass was an idea too soon for its time – and it didn’t help that wearing the augmented reality glasses made you look like a total doofus. While the product was on the market, though, one enterprising developer made the weirdest possible sex app for it. Glance was designed to be used with a partner, and its effects were deceptively simple. At a command, it would essentially switch what you were seeing with your bang buddy – so if you are a dude, you’d see yourself pumping away through the cameras on your partner’s glasses and vice versa. Obviously we haven’t tried it but how could that be anything but seriously disorienting and boner-killing?

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Like it or not, we’re living in the age of the selfie, where every action needs to be captured, filtered and uploaded to the internet. Now you can share the inside of a vagina (or other orifice) with your friends list using the Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator. The device, sold by retailer Lovehoney, can capture audio and video and even sync with FaceTime for live streaming. All of the typical vibrator features are on board as well, but users rave over the surprisingly powerful camera and bright internal light allowing you to really spelunk inside that vajayjay.

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Yes, of course, I would love to put something named the “Electric Eel” on my dick. That sounds like a truly wonderful idea in every sense of the word. The prototype “digital condom” was designed by a pair of Georgia Tech students named Firaz Peer and Andrew Quitmeyer to add a new layer of stimulation to the sexual process. The jimmy hat is lined with threadlike electrodes that can be electrified to create mild vibrations, controlled by an attached device. The idea is to make sex with a condom deliver different kinds of pleasure that barebacking can’t, to make it preferable for people getting it on. We wish them the best of luck but won’t be sticking our dicks in an eel anytime soon.

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There comes a point in your life when you ask yourself, “am I really comfortable purchasing a sex contraption for my rec room or den?” The inventors of the Eros Gym have you covered. Not only is it a framework for putting yourself and your partners into a panoply of sex positions, it also doubles as a home exercise machine. If getting swole didn’t get you the chicks you thought it would, the same company also sells a “Motion Simulator” that straps onto the Eros Gym and enables a realistic sex doll of your preference to bounce and jiggle around. The whole thing is one of the most disturbing inventions we’ve seen in quite some time.

 

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One of the most annoying things about modern life is how we can’t stop putting numbers on everything. It’s not enough to walk, we need a FitBit to tell us how many steps we took. Now that philosophy is extending to vaginal strength. Ladies know that doing Kegel exercises can help tighten the vaginal muscles and make intercourse more pleasurable, and now there’s a gadget that they can shove up there to count the squeezes. The kGoal connects with a free app to measure your vaginal strength and endurance, pushing the user ever harder to make their lady parts as buff as they can.

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In the modern world, food isn’t just food. People expect their meals to come with vitamins, minerals and other natural chemicals to make them stronger, smarter and even better at sex. That’s where Sexcereal comes in. This breakfast created by Canadian entrepreneur Peter Ehrlich boasts that it’s formulated with a unique blend of ingredients to boost libido and performance. There are two different versions – one for men, and one for women. The men’s mix has bee pollen, black sesame, wheat germ, and pumpkin seeds. Ladies get ginger, sunflower seeds, and almonds. These ingredients are alleged to boost testosterone production or general hormonal balance. No word on what happens if you eat the wrong gendered version when you’re high and have the munchies.

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Technology doesn’t have to be cutting edge to work, but the Stays-Hard is such a weird low-tech invention that we’re having a hard time figuring out if it’s a joke or not. Created by Tyna International Limited, working with urologists, this is basically like a steel cage for your dick that prevents blood from leaving it after you bust a nut, allowing you to keep pumping away until your partner is satisfied. For some reason, this thing was put on the shortlist for the Virgin Media VOOM award. The creator, Richard Wylie, is a 70 year old dude who suffers from ED himself and praises the ability of the Stays-Hard because he tested it himself. Ick.

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