Babe, you know what would be EVEN HOTTER than kissing normally? Doing it through a torrential stream of water so we can’t breathe EVEN A LITTLE BIT. And while we’re basically waterboarding ourselves that way, let’s also try to maneuver into an impossible standing-sex position while poised on an extremely slippery surface. (Who needs lube when you’ve got Mountain Spring scented 2-in-1 hair product for men?!) Will we both fall and crack our skulls open, spilling our brains onto the slick tiled floor? Maybe! The danger is what makes it so SEXY.
So Retro! Just park the ol’ Chevy up at Fingerblaster’s Peak, take off your letter jacket, slide that hand up their hoop skirt and GO TO TOWN!!! Wait, this isn’t comfortable at all, and all the papers and bottles and shit on the floor of my car that I usually ignore are now filthily jamming into our naked bodies. This maybe wasn’t the best idea!
Anyway, off to the malt shoppe then we’re hitting up the segregated sock-hop!*
(* Other things that no longer happen, for varying but equally valid reasons)
“Awwwww yeaaaahhh, my dick has NEVER been so relaxed. Your muscles super relaxed too? NIIIICEEEEE. Now let’s tense ourselves the fuck up and do this before the water gets even lukewarmier .”
“I just orgasmed 7 times after the faucet clanged into my lower spine, but I’m just gettin’ WARMED UP”
Nothing kills the mood like abruptly stopping foreplay to climb up a wooden ladder to get to your lofted bed, while trying to block out the unflattering angle of your lover’s butt looming above you as they climb up ahead of you. And once you’re up there, forget about having any room to move around at all. You’ll be doing it in one position only, and that position is “both lying as flat as you possibly can so you don’t hit your head on the ceiling painfully.”
Having sex in the rain is like having sex outside (see above for reasons why you shouldn’t do that) combined with having sex in the shower (see further above for reasons why you shouldn’t do THAT). Oh, except for it’s also a THOUSAND TIMES COLDER than either of those things. If you have sex in the rain, you WILL get bronchitis and no one will want to have sex with you even again because of all the phlegm you’re hacking up.
Who sings that R&B song that’s like, “Ooooh sexy lady, you make me so hot / Let’s do it in a cement container of children’s urine?” Trick question, there isn’t one because GROSS. Even if you somehow found a relatively pee-free and private pool to get nude in, it’s weirdly difficult to have sexual intercourse underwater. You can’t get any traction. Plus I hear the chlorine turns your pubes green.
Think about ALL THE BUGS that are outside that are so small you can’t even see them. Now think about them crawling inside your genitalia. Are you feeling TURNED ON YET?
Getting interrupted mid-coitus by a 22-year-old beach patrolman on a three-wheeled bike may not sound sexy, but don’t forget, you’ll ALSO have sand in your clothes, your every orifice, and deep within your soul for the rest of your life. AAA-WOOOOGAH! 8-0
Doing it in the library stacks or an empty stairwell may SOUND sexy, because it’s AGAINST THE RULES and you could be CAUGHT AT ANY MOMENT and OOOH. But in real life, like…do you actually want to be caught having sex? That would be very very embarrassing. And you’d probably have to stop having sex right when it was getting good. Honestly, why do you need to add more drama and sexiness to this act? It’s ALREADY sex. Just relax.
Actually, we’ve all totally done this dozens of times and it was great every single time. SEXY and PLAUSIBLE.
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