10 Wtf Kama Sutra Positions
So there are quite a few different ways you can ‘do it’. And by it, we mean sex. Obvs. You can do it lying down, straddling, standing, bent in weird shapes, and the Kama Sutra covers it all. It is the sex positional bible. The ultimate guide to G-spot gold. The book that everyone knows but no one has ever actually seen IRL.
Now it’s not for us to assume you aren’t a wild sex sorcerer in the bedroom, with a plethora of positions at your fingertips. Hell, you may be well versed in The Perch, The Hinge, The Column, and you may think Missionary is SO 2012. But have you really taken it as far as the kama sutra dares to go? Would you even WANT to?! Let’s take a look at the top 10 WTF positions from sofeminine’s kama sutra – and find out how many you’ve attempted (without a trip to A&E).
Ok, we may have all tried to do ‘a bridge’ when we were younger. You know, that really uncomfortable backwards arch bend that makes you feel like a jumper that’s been turned inside out? We used to find that kind of stuff fun. Not any more.
That’s why we can’t quite get our heads around the idea of holding said bridge whilst being jumped around on by a heavy weight repeatedly. Luckily, it’s the guy that takes the hit during The Bridge, while we ladies supposedly ride atop the lifted crotch like a graceful barebacked horse rider.
So this one involves minimal gymnastic training. In fact, this actually looks pretty lazy as sex positions go. It involves planking on top of your equally planked bed-bud of choice. Then you do a hugely awkward full-scale body slide up and down.
Ok, so it’s not strictly planking as the lady puts her hands around the man’s neck in order to propel herself up and down. But it still sounds like it would look and feel about as sexy as old gym socks.
the seated ball
‘The Seated Ball’ looks like Golem spooning his alter ego. The man crouches down on the floor, curved around his crouching woman… and this is the worst part – the woman then initiates the humping by rocking on her heels… ROCKING. Like some creepy human sex rocking chair. Or some shivering dead person in a horror movie who’s seeking vengeance, muttering ‘you’re next’ and giving you the crazy eye. This is nightmare material – like a porno version of The Woman In Black. Count us out.
There are some positives though. The woman gets to be the little spoon, and the man… well, he’d be feeling all Justin Timberlake (getting some of that sexy back).
Do you remember when you were a child and you used to scream in delight as your sibling hoisted your legs up either side of them and ran with you upside-down like a wheelbarrow?
We tend to get nostalgic about childhood don’t we? ‘The Plough’ is NOT your childhood. It’s where the woman places her elbows on the edge of the bed and the man raises her legs high up either side of him and penetrates from behind. It’s an adult wheelbarrow, with no clothes (probably) and a lot of testosterone. And it makes us feel a little uncomfortable. As does any sex position where one person feels like a large gardening tool.
Feeling snuggly? Are you a woman? Do you like legs?
If your answers to the above are all yes, then ‘The Peg’ is the position for you, because the woman simply koalas sideways on a bed, attaching herself to her man of choice’s legs while lying facing his feet (also one to try if you like feet). The man then uses his hands to guide the movement of the penetrative pumping while the woman lies there like a small and innocent forest animal. Is this ok?
the suspended scissors
If you are a qualified circus entertainer, ‘The Suspended Scissors’ should be right up your street. The man stands upright and holds his partner literally horizontal at hip-level while she hangs sideways, with only one hand on the floor and lower legs on the bed for support. The man steps between her legs and holds her up by the waist in order to do the hump de hump.
This is proper cirque du soleil sex, so there’s to be no clowning around. Please note: make sure you come prepared with your circus tent, trapeze and flame thrower.
‘The Propeller’ involves the woman lying legs straight on her back while her gentleman mounts her, legs either side of her and facing her… feet. When the man’s inside the woman, he rotates his hips in a circular motion.
Correct us if we’re wrong, but for us ladies this doesn’t seem to be the most picturesque end to the night. Also, how does it bend backwards like that?! HOW?!
The Crisscross is a certified orgasm for all you geometry geeks. Why? Because you lie at a right angle to your partner. That’s right, 90 degrees. Perpendicular.
Contain yourself though, because that’s not all. The lady lifts her top leg up as he inserts his whatsit and he uses his hands on her shoulders… to rock himself back and forth. Again, why the use of the word ‘rock’. It’s just not right.
This one is ideal for those who hate their sex partner so much that they can’t bear to look at them a second longer, but not enough to sacrifice a perfectly good bonking sesh. However, it’s also super-technical and requires some skill because the position changes as you get further towards the big O.
First, the woman begins in a standard on-top straddle. Next, she changes to a squat, with her feet on the bed (if a bed is your FOC – furniture of choice) and keeps her hands placed behind her. Finally, when she is close to climax, she is meant to shove her man towards the end of the bed until his upper torso subsequently vanishes over the side, leaving the pair quite contently staring at anything but each other.
This is when they both supposedly climax. Is this because they can’t see each other or is that just a coincidence?
the lustful leg
This one will only work if you are a professional contortionist. You know, that special kind of flexible that makes everyone watching flinch and feel extremely fragile for the rest of the day.
Basically, the man and woman stand facing each other (at which point, the woman is probably doing some heavy breathing and warm-up stretches). Next, the woman lifts her leg, the man bends to put it on his shoulder… and then he fully stands up. With the woman’s leg straight up on his shoulder. Like the standing splits. But harder. And you’re getting humped at the same time… Ouch. That’s one big hell no from us, thanks. Plus we don’t have time to schedule in the warm-down exercises.
what do we think?
Now we’re totally supportive of weird and wackiness in the bedroom. We’re just saying that some of these positions look like they could go very wrong. From fainting from a blood rush to the head, to breaking your ‘lustful’ leg, to actually just feeling a little bit silly, these kama sutra positions are just a bit wtf, and we won’t be adding them to our repertoire any time soon.
P.S. maybe instead of inventing more and more crazy ways that straight people can bend and contort around each other, it’s about time we had a book of kama sutra positions to suit all sexualities (and flexibilities)? Just putting it out there. Cos we’d definitely be up for a read of THAT.