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They like to get freaky too

Giraffes: Since these guys are so gangly and generally awkwardly shaped, the male has to make damn well sure he’s into his prospective lady-giraffe before he puts all his effort into mounting her

Source: tumblr.com

Naturally, he enacts what is called the “fleshman sequence”, where he nudges her butt with his nose to cause urination, then drinks the pee to see if she’s his flavor. If the lucky lady is chosen, he basically stalks her until she gives into his will. Ah, romance.

Snails: A lot of snails are hermaphrodites whose sexual organs reside in their necks, making them cool for two reasons

Source: englishrussia.com

1. Easy access
2. The ability to have sex with themselves or each other to the same effect

They are basically the laziest/simultaneously most creative at sex, and who can hate on that?

Barnacles: Sort of like the human version of a hermaphroditic blindly anonymous swingers party

Source: boingboing.net

A barnacle penis stretches up to 8 times its body length to blindly reach into any neighboring barnacle it can find and deposit sperm inside. If it can’t find a neighbor, it’ll just inseminate itself (although that doesn’t sound nearly as fun)

Bowerbird: Interior decoration is the entire premise on which the bowerbird bases his sexual appeal

He spruces up his nest with hundreds of monochromatic things he salvages, and if anyone tries to mess up his Feng Shui he essentially has a panic attack. Once construction is complete, he struts, dances, sings, and throws things around for a lady bowerbird that is surely watching.

Source: smithsonian.com

Twerks, more like. Which leads me to…

Black Widow: As though the females weren’t already terrifying enough, they also practice cannibalism, usually eating their partner after (…or during…) copulation

Source:slate.com

To avoid self-sacrifice, the males twerk to give off a low vibration letting the HBIC know they come as a sexual partner and not dinner

Anglerfish: No males exist because shortly after birth they bite a female and permanently fuse to her body,

Source: montereybayaquarium.org

Providing sperm for the rest of their freaky conjoined lives. Ah, the beauty of marital unity.

Antechinus: Literally has sex with any and all females, nonstop, for up to 14 hours each, until he DIES OF EXHAUSTION.

Source: peonyden.blogspot.org

And you thought you had stamina

Banana Slug: Another hermaphrodite on the list, banana slugs have penises the size of their own bodies

Source: bovitz.com

They are basically giant penises, which makes sense…because they look exactly like giant penises.

Whiptail Lizard: They’ve done away with the entire male species and instead have lesbian sex with one another, taking turns acting as the male to stimulate egg production

Source: californiaherps.com

The resulting babies are clones of whoever was playing the female last. Men? Who needs ’em!

Macaque Monkeys: These guys bribe lady macaques with fruits to get a peek of their monkey junk. Alpha males try to keep certain females all for themselves, but the ladies frequently have promiscuous ‘secret sex’ with multiple partners behind alpha’s backs.

Source: wifflegif.com

Monkeys, they’re just like us!

Panda Bears: Pandas in captivity need to be shown panda porn to get off

Source: dailymail.com

Pandas, they’re just like us!

 

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