There are some conversation topics you can only get into with your closest confidante.
The last thing you want to discuss with a fairweather friend is touching yourself. Dudes talk about jerking off like it’s a sport, and girls compare notes on vibrators like they’re sharing recipes. It’s oddly communal.
If you can’t talk about poop, you’re boring. Or repressed. Some might even call you anal, but I think that’s giving you too much ironic credit. In any case, real best friends can discuss having to poop, how to do so discreetly, and what it all, er, means. It’s a part of life and it can be fucked up to deal with—have you ever had to poop on a date? Only your closest friends can understand the levels to that struggle.
3. Hating Good People
You know that person who everyone says is “sooooo nice, though. Like, you can’t hate her.” Yeah, that’s the person who you and your best friend plot to murder. Everyone hates these infuriating angels and we all pretend we don’t, but if the Purge ever becomes a thing, best believe they’re going first.
Room Raiders had everyone going through bedrooms with black lights to find residues-galore, but really all you need to do is take their closest friend on a chill walk-through. No one’s ready to roast you over the state of your sheets faster than your best friend is, trust.
5. Bad Breath
Real friends tell each other when each other’s breath is rank. If your best friend hasn’t told you that your mouth smells like something died in it at least once, then he/she is an imposter, not your real friend. This is crucial.
6. What You’d Do For Money
The only person who can commiserate appropriately about what a broke boy or bitch you are is your best friend. You’re gonna scare off potential new friends if you’re honest about how you’d lick a public park bench for $20 bucks, or how you’ve perused the “Entertainment jobs” section of Craigslist and actually clicked the ‘foot models’ links…more than once.
7. Shameful Sex Lows
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen, or the ingrown hairs, or the slapping noises you’ve heard…nobody but your best friend. And it will remain this way, because many people will love you, but not everyone will love to hear about that handjob in the back of the taxi.
8. Why Your Mom Is A Bitch
Mom’s are perfect and we are almost always wrong for mouthing off to them, but we all need to confide like the snotty brats we are. Your best friend is the only one who can hear you call your mama a bitch and still look at you without thinking you might be a sociopath.
9. Non-Politically Correct Opinions
Have you ever said something fucked up at a dinner party, only to ruminate on the incident for a cool three weeks, every time you try to sleep? Save yourself the suicidal thoughts and share that hot take with your best friend next time. They’re stuck with you, and they’re stuck explaining your wrongness to you—it’s a beautiful thing.
10. Social Media
Agonizing over what selfie to post, or which status is the least desperate, is so embarrassing. I’d rather have someone walk in on me masturbating than have them walk in on me choosing a filter for an Instagram. But I can always trust my best friend to curve my gross self-obsession without judging me or wanting to murder me, and isn’t that what friends are truly for?
11. Ass Sweat
Asses sweat. Supermodel ass, homeless ass, doctor ass—all asses become disgusting in the summer. And the only person you can turn to during this trying time to complain? You guessed it.