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11 Seriously Bizarre Conspiracy Theories –

 

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having an inquiring mind full of healthy skepticism, nothing at all.

Politicians and journalists lie to us all the time, after all, and it’s useful to be able to pick apart the truth from the porkies.

Unfortunately, combine that with too much internet, a dollop of boredom and maybe forgetting to take your meds, and suddenly you’re living in a world where the government is literally trying to kill, maim or spy on you at every turn.

Who knows, maybe we are under the thumb of a race of secret alien overlords, maybe there is something in the water that’s making us all brain-dead and compliant, but the Tin Foil Hat Brigade just make it so difficult for us to want to believe them.

That and the fact that if you even do a bit of moderate thinking for less than five minutes, most of the theories unravel faster than a wooly jumper caught on a barbed wire fence.

Okay, sometimes the conspiracy theorists get it right. The idea of the existence of Mafia started out as a conspiracy theory, as were the dangers of asbestos.

We’ll give them those ones, even a stopped clock is right twice a day after all, but there are a few out there that we simply cannot and will not believe…

11. The Government Is Poisoning You With Planes

Wikipedia

So you know how the government are out to get us for no apparent reason? Well, one of their favourite ways to “get us” is by streaking the sky with very visible, very obvious trails of toxins and hoping that none of us would mention it.

Apparently those fluffy white trails that aeroplanes leave behind are actually what is known as “chemtrails”. Theorists disagree as to what these trails are for exactly, but one thing they all seem to be able to agree on is that it’s all the government’s doing.

Some believe that they are weather-controlling materials that are being sprayed into the atmosphere. Others believe that they are full of “nano-fibres” that are designed to be breathed in by humans where they will cause damage and health problems – this is either a form of population control, or a ploy to sell you pharmaceuticals.

Another popular theory surfaced in 1996, claiming that they were full of some kind of neurotoxin, designed to slow down the brain and make us stupider, presumably in the hope that we would continue to vote the “right” people into power.

This would, of course, require the government, whichever government that might be, to be in cahoots with every single aeroplane manufacturer as well as all airlines and the “scientists” who claim that the trails are just made up of condensation as the hot fumes from the jet hit the cold air.

“Condensation”, yeah right.

Wake up, sheeple, the government are actually inefficiently poisoning you for a series of not-entirely-clear reasons via the medium of high-altitude aircraft.

10. Fluoride In Drinking Water As Mind Control

Pixabay

Keeping with the theme that the government is trying to poison you, what’s up with fluoride?

Well, according to people on the internet, the government is putting fluoride in your drinking water, not as a way of keeping your teeth all lovely and strong, but to poison you and turn you into a mindless zombie.

Conspiracy theorists have a couple of ideas about this. One camp claims that the fluoride makes us ill, meaning that we will spend more money on pharmaceuticals. Another group claim that it is being added as a mind-control weapon designed to keep us all stupid, docile and compliant.

The second crowd often cite “facts” about fluoride’s effect on parts of the brain, usually the pineal gland. Unfortunately for them, the pineal gland has literally nothing to do with obedience (it actually regulates your circadian rhythm).

Not to be defeated, however, the Tin Foil Hat brigade will often point to a “study” that has conclusively “proven” that fluoride reduces childrens’ IQ. What they often fail to mention is that this study was referring to the mega-dose fluoride levels caused by industrial soil contamination in countries such as India and China.

Not exactly the government trying to control your mind via the medium of toothpaste then, but you tried…

9. Beyonce Is In The Illuminati

Giphy

The Illuminati is a true blessing for the terminally paranoid

The idea is that some people think there is a secret organisation of super-wealthy, super-privileged elite calling all the shots – a secret, faceless society of rich people who live to oppress and control you.

Apart from anything else, this is a weird conclusion to come to, considering that we already know that there is a super-wealthy, super-privileged elite calling the shots, they just don’t bother to keep it a secret. In fact, they televise it, it’s called BBC Parliment.

Anyway, we digress.

One of the very best things about the Illuminati conspiracy is the sheer range of characters that are supposed to belong to it. Beyonce is a favourite at the moment as she has a habit of making a “triangle” symbol with her hands and has named her child Blue Ivy (which stands fo Born Living Under Evil, Illuminati’s Very Youngest, of course).

One thing that makes this particular brand of paranoia so difficult to get a handle on, is the idea of an unstoppably powerful secret society whose influence is so great that they have managed to worm their way into the very upper echelons of society, would (a) communicate using a very obvious, public hand gesture and (b) allow themselves to be “found out” by a bunch of neckbeards on the internet.

Or perhaps that’s just what they want us to think.

8. Wealthy, Shape-Shifting Lizard People Rule Us All

Wikipedia/Pixabay/Stevie Shephard

As conspiracy theories go, shape-shifting, hyper-intelligent reptilian beings that control life on Earth is a pretty good one.

David Icke has made reasonable success of himself by coming up with increasingly batsh*t conspiracy theories after arthritis ended his football career. It was during some New Age treatment for his arthritis that Icke fell in with the “woo” crowd and some years later he was “visited” by some “spirits” (read: had a couple of hallucinations) and began a long and distinguished career in paranoid ramblings.

His most famous theory is that almost all of the powers-that-be are shape-shifting lizards bent on controlling the human race. Amongst those accused of being lizard people are Bill and Hillary Clinton, the Queen of England and (weirdly) Bob Hope. Oh, and they’re all paedophiles as well.

Some people have claimed that Icke’s indictments on lizard people is actually a thinly veiled anti-Semitic attack, and that when he says “shape-shifting lizard-people”, he really means “Jews”.

Icke has claimed that this is completely untrue and that when he says “shape-shifting lizard-people”, he literally means “shape-shifting lizard-people” (better to be crazy than anti-Semitic, we guess).

Another excellent sound bite from Icke is that the London 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony was actually an audacious Satanic ritual designed to harness the negative energy of the underworld.

Weirdly, Icke has been less clear as to, er, why our reptilian alien overlords would hold a satanic ritual thinly veiled as a sporting event, or indeed why a highly-evolved alien race of lizards would worship a devil figure from the Abrahamic religions.

7. Satan Is Gender Confusing Your Children (Via Department Stores)

Speaking of Satan, did you hear about his latest plot to capture the souls of your children?

American superstore, Target, recently announced that it would no longer be gendering its products aimed at children, marketing all toys at both girls and boys equally. “What a triumph for gender equality”, we hear you cry, “How wonderfully forward-thinking of them to help break down preconceived heteronormative conventions”.

Well, no, apparently not.

According to the perfectly sane lady in the video above, Beelzebub is using the medium of American retailers to gender-confuse your children and steer them off the path to righteousness.

With this in mind, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of simple tests you can do to help guard you and your children against the agents of Lucifer:

1. Offer some Lego to your daughter. If she appears to show an interest in building something with it, spray with holy water contact your pastor immediately.

2. Play the Frozen soundtrack in the car. If your son sings along to the girls’ parts, pull over somewhere safe and begin the process of casting the Devil out while you wait for a priest.

3. Keep a close watch on your children as they play. If they develop any unusual symptoms such as blazing red eyes, revolving heads or fire-breathing, they could well have become a vessel of Satan.

You can never be too safe after all.

6. The Middle Ages Never Happened

Wikipedia

Okay, what if we told you that it’s not 2015 and that the year is actually 1718?

Don’t worry, you haven’t taken a knock to the head and you aren’t about the snap out of it to discover that George I is on the throne and there isn’t cure for polio.

No, this is due to something called the Phantom Time Hypothesis.

According to this theory, the period between 614 ad and 911AD simply didn’t happen. The history buffs amongst you will have noted that it covers pretty much the whole of the “Dark Ages” (in Britain at least), and includes the lifespan of Charlemagne.

The general idea behind the theory is that the events that supposedly occurred in that 303-year period were either misattributed or even fabricated.

Why? Well some people suggest that the Holy Roman Emperor Otto III fudged the dates so that he would be on the throne during the significant 1000 AD millennium, so he had a team of chroniclers “make up” 300 years of history to give his reign a boost.

Believers in the conspiracy also point to the limited amount of solid dating evidence found in Europe for that period, including just a few vague writings, as evidence that it was simply invented.

Unfortunately, what the conspiracists have failed to take into account that fact that the world does not simply consist of Western Europe.

During the supposed historical “black spot”, Far East Asia and the Middle East were flourishing, merrily recording astronomical movements, allowing us to objectively date their achievements and events against the movements of the planets and stars. Bad luck guys.

5. The Queen Is A Cannibal

The fabulously named Hubert Humdinger thinks he might have a sound explanation for Queen Elizabeth II’s bubbly personality. Why, she eats people of course.

In an article in 1973, Humdinger claims that “She must eat human flesh to be so vivacious. There is an immense amount of spiritual energy in human muscle.”

Yup. Spiritual energy.

Further credence is supposed to have been given to this theory when a workman was investigating a wiring problem at Windsor Castle and he discovered strips of flayed human flesh just lying around the place (the Royals also apparently have a very lax attitude to food safety).

This is also the supposed explanation behind the disappearance of 10 Mohawk children that went on a picnic with Queen Liz and Prince Phillip (presumably discovering too late that they were the picnic). Although some suggest that the children were actually just sacrificial offerings in a satanic ritual conducted by the Queen, rather than dinner (phew).

This is often used as evidence that the Queen is indeed a space-reptile as we discussed earlier – although if she was, then eating humans would not make her a cannibal, you can’t have it both ways.

This is usually the point where we would discuss exactly why this particular conspiracy theory is a load of dingos kidneys, but in this case that probably (hopefully ) isn’t necessary.

4. Whatever The Hell This Is

timecube.com

TimeCube.com is a website created back in 1997 by a man called Gene Ray. In its wall of continuous text, it details the theory of the “Time Cube”, suggesting that all modern physics is a lie and proposes a model that has four separate days occurring simultaneously.

Still with us? It doesn’t really matter if you’re not.

Ray explains his theory behind the idea of cubic time, based on the “observation” that the Earth has “four corners” that each experience a different day at once.

Well, when we say “explains” what we mean is that he rants incoherently over two pages and thousands of words with all of the clarity and gusto of a total frothing lunatic.

Whilst it’s difficult to penetrate the scattered mutterings of this irredeemable maniac, the general thrust of his theory appears to centre around the idea that there are three whole temporal planes being hidden from us by “them” (whoever “they” are).

This appears to be in an attempt to keep us downtrodden and compliant (isn’t it always?).

The rant also includes a fair few insults, racial generalisations, and wild calls for violence. It is basically futile to try and draw any logical meaning from the text, but it makes for a pretty psychedelic read if you just go with it.

Maybe it doesn’t make any sense to us now, but Gene Ray has described himself as the “wisest human on earth”, so maybe we’ll just have to believe him on this one.

3. Pyramids, Just Generally

Wikipedia

Ahh, people love a good pyramid conspiracy.

The building of these great monuments has been attributed to everyone from the Illuminati to aliens and a lot of people don’t seem to be able to get their head around how the hell they could have come about.

The favourite “mysteries” surrounding the pyramids generally tend to include:

1. How could people from the olden days have built such enormous structures (Hint: slave labour and an enormous disposable workforce)

2. Well then, why do they appear all over the world? (Hint: A pyramid is a good way of piling stones up so that they last a long time. Lots of cultures discovered this)

3. Okay, but why then do Egyptian hieroglyphs depict them conversing with alien beings in the sky? (Hint: Gods, maybe? No?)

To be honest, the only really weird thing about the pyramids is why they seem to blow everybody’s minds so much.

If you actually think about it for more than five minutes, it becomes blindingly obvious that piling some rocks up very high was entirely within the remit of ancient man, particularly when half of them were slaves and the other half were holding very big whips.

2. The LHC Is A Star Gate To Awaken the Egyptian God Of The Dead

Wikipedia/Image Editor Flickr

Look, if you’re going to build a very big scientific machine that is designed to do some very complicated things that most people won’t understand, you’re pretty much asking the internet to accuse you of something utterly mental.

And, true to form, they did.

Not satisfied with speculating that the Large Hadron Collider is creating black holes that will suck us all into oblivion, some conspiracy theorists took it one step further.

Apparently, rather that doing something boring and difficult with subatomic particles, the scientists at CERN have actually been attempting to awaken the Egyptian god of the dead, Osiris.

This is a pretty big claim, so surely the conspiracy theorists have got some pretty big proof, right?

Wrong.

The “photographic evidence” behind this claim shows a statue of the Hindu god of destruction Shiva stood by the entrance to the LHC. Beady-eyed readers will have probably noticed that this has precisely sod all to do with ancient Egyptian death gods.

You may also have spotted that physics experiments can’t awaken gods, Egyptian, Hindu or otherwise, and that it’s very difficult to figure out why they’d want to anyway.

1. Man Will Never Fly

Wikipedia

The “man will never fly” conspiracy is often included in the usual line up of mental conspiracy theories. This particular theory states that human flight is impossible, that the first planes never even got off the ground and that aeroplanes are actually bullet trains with highly realistic television screens for windows.

The Man Will Never Fly Memorial Society’s website states that their purpose is the “Exposure of the widely held myth of machines moving through the air with men “flying” them.”

One thing that people often forget to mention when discussing this particular organisation, is that is it mainly made up of pilots.

This, and the fact that their club motto is “Birds Fly, Men Drink”, doesn’t seem to have tipped many people off to the fact that this society is a joke, creating a sort of Russian doll of internet lies and rumours of a conspiracy theory.

This particular case appears to be a hoax about a conspiracy about a hoax all wrapped up in a tongue and cheek excuse to get together and drink large amounts of beer.

Ironically, the Man Will Never Fly conspiracy still seems more likely than literally everything else on this list.

There are thousands of conspiracy theories out there, each as mental as the last. If you’ve got a particular favourite, let us know in the comments.

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