11 Things The Internet Killed (Thankfully)

It’s a double-edged sword, this internet. As with everything, there’s the good and there’s the bad. Some people take issue with the things the internet killed. But the silver lining is acknowledging all the bad things the internet has rightfully destroyed. Sunshine, relationships, attention spans—who needs ’em? Thank your lucky stars the web universe came along to change things for the better. Here are some examples to remind you.

1. Thinking celebrities were special



There was once a time when people looked up to celebrities. They were smarter, better looking, and more talented than us all around. But one look at Jason Alexander’s Twitter page, and you think, “George Costanza isn’t actually funny.”

The internet has leveled the playing field. Now, anyone is capable of being a celebrity. The old adage that no one is special has never been fully realized until you see Hillary Clinton’s ragged mug chilling in Cedar Rapids. At least Donald Trump is embracing his normalcy—warts and all. If social media didn’t exist, we would assume the best of these people. Their chops as spellers, thinkers, and cultural tastemakers wouldn’t come into question. But alas, there’s Alec Baldwin threatening the career of a young barista because she made his chai too spicy.


2. Pubes


In 2013, crabs became an endangered species. Luckily, Angelina Jolie hosts a Crustacean Reserve in her nether region. But that’s neither here nor there. Brazilian waxes became a thing in 1999, right when the internet took off. Celebrities began waxing fantastic about waxing and every single porn star went 12-year-old chic. You know what happened after that: Everyday folks began chopping off their bushes like they were malignant tumors.


3. Imagination masturbation


If there wasn’t a sticky Hustler nearby, you had to think. If you didn’t have the patience to manually draw out boobs and vaginas on a piece of paper like a creep, you had to get mentally creative. Imagination masturbation is a lost art. Not too long ago, it was a sincere exercise of cognition—trying to remember that one girl who touched your penis. In the age of the internet, it’s like getting fish tacos delivered to your home for free. I predict in 20 years, men everywhere will experience mass erectile dysfunction due to the ease and awesomeness of RedTube. It’s already begun.


4. The mall


If Jeff Bezos really wanted to put the final nail in the coffin of Western Civilization, he would incorporate a chat function into Amazon. Then you’d be able to flirt with girls as if you were actually at the mall or bookstore. Just a suggestion, Jeff. Now pay me. But I guess it’s a good thing the mall is dying a slow death. Gone are the days you spent a Saturday buying shit as ghetto Timberland-wearing idiots circled around you, treating it like their vacation home. Malls are dead, and that’s a good thing.


5. Political secrecy


In 2016, nameless, faceless, on-the-spectrum nerds have more power than the FBI. Take for instance Paul Combetta, the guy whose currently going viral because he asked anonymously on Reddit if people could help him wipe Hillary Clinton’s emails. Some autistic savant over at 4chan found the incriminating post from two years ago and linked his username stonetear to his Gmail account and his Etsy account. Combetta even deleted his Reddit posts two years ago, but some clairvoyant basement dwellers archived them for future use.

Sure, political secrecy still exists. But no longer are we held captive to simply trusting what the media and politicians say. Now we can do our own research and eventually come to the conclusion that the media and politicians are full of shit. Not like we needed the Internet to know that, but still. Only a couple decades ago, we had NBC, CBS, ABC, and PBS buzzing from our TVs. Now we have an army of pro bono investigative twenty-something unemployables with 160 IQs doing the fact checking. Political corruption may very well be dead, or at least minimized, in the near future thanks to some pimply college dropout with a WiFi connection in Bumfuck, Colorado.


6. Handwriting


Moving your wrist is hard. Thanks to the internet, I now have the penmanship of a quadriplegic with Parkinson’s. And that’s a good thing. Writing is only good for signing checks to your landlord and putting passive-aggressive notes on windshields.


7. Dating


Allow me to make the distinction between dating in a big city like Chicago and doing it the old-fashioned way in Iowa. In Chicago, dating involves meeting a person through Bumble, having sex, having sex again, and watching as she loses interest in you for a richer, taller guy. And what’s better than that? Herpes apps like Tinder and Hinge have made it effortless for like-minded groin-smashers to meet and exchange fluids. This is good because it’s cost-effective. If you live in a large city, you can spend less for more. Coitally, that is. Hookup culture is replacing traditional dating at an astonishing rate. Not too long ago, dating was a tryout to eventually, maybe, have sex. Now sex is the tryout.


8. High school reunions


We don’t have to experience that awkward, depressing spectacle that is a high school reunion anymore. We’re privy to that girl who squeezed out three kids by her 21st birthday, the guy who’s annoying you via Facebook with his “disruptive vacation club” business idea, and that 28-year-old doctor who makes you feel like you should’ve perhaps studied in college instead of ingesting heroic volumes of booze.

Everyone knows that one person who organizes the high school reunion. Now, she’s on Facebook organizing a Class of 2010 page.


9. Gambling on a prostitute


True, you’re always gambling with a prostitute. Even though Backpage.com exists, you still run the risk of Keyshawn showing up with a shank demanding your valuables using Amber as a front. However, it’s still safer. I don’t solicit hookers on Backpage.com because I’m not that kind of guy. But I’ll be the first to acknowledge I’ve been there time and again to see what all the fuss is about. It does seem rather convenient. Again, crabs are extinct, so it’s cool.


10. Telephone directories


They were always too heavy and yellow. It’s a good thing Google wiped them off the face of the planet. Encyclopedias too.


11. Boredom


In 2012, I bought a Macbook Air. That was the way I stopped being bored. Before that, I had a Macbook Pro that was too heavy to comfortably sit on my crotch. This lightweight gizmo that I’m currently typing on has single-handedly changed my life, and potentially ruined my sperm count. Worth it.



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