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11 Thoughts All Girls Have During Sex –

It doesn’t matter whether it’s with a boyfriend, husband, friend or stranger: every girl has a whole ton of thoughts that unintentionally whizz through her brain while getting down and dirty. It’s not a matter of distraction; sometimes we just can’t help but think quite bizarre thoughts. Ranging from ‘Why hasn’t he just paid the slightest bit of attention to this REALLY expensive salmon-coloured underwear I bought just for him?’ to ‘Oh my lord Im in sexy-time heaven and I don’t ever want to do anything else with my life ever again’, there are a whole lot of issues that can subconsciously cause a womans mind to wander.

So guys: if you’re having sex with a lady and you look down to see a vaguely glazed expression momentarily pass across her face, don’t panic – she’s not suffering mercury poisoning from swallowing one of her fillings. She’s probably just considering what she wants to cook for dinner tonight or whether its worth getting a take-out, and whether she’ll miss the beginning of X Factor.

It doesn’t mean you’re not being a great lay. She’s just really good at multi-tasking (and chances are, you’re probably considering whether a take-out is a good after-sex idea too…)

11. ‘Good God, Look At The Size Of It!’

Whether you’re gaping with awe at the fact that he’s flaunting something that looks similar in size to an adult electric eel, or crying inwardly because you can’t work out if he actually even has a penis: ladies, we’ve all been there.

The get-your-pants-down moment where all of our fears are either proven or dismissed can be excruciating, delightful, life-fulfilling or soul-destroying. Whether he’s got a handful or, well, not-quite-a-handful, we all gotta work with it.

Unless you’re one of those women who takes one look at a man’s manhood, yells loudly with surprise, and then pegs it from the room, never to be seen again (except in bars you both frequent, where you’ll never be able to make eye contact again).

10. ‘My Ex NEVER Did That!’

Not that anyone’s comparing; but seriously, that was amazing, what did he just do to you?! You almost came! That’s why your ex is your ex. This guy, however, he can stay. No wonder people say there’€™s plenty more fish in the sea.

Often this thought is followed by: I wonder where he learnt how to do that? You curse all the sexy professionals who came before you, and vow to learn more gravity-defying moves in order to make him stay forever.

The forget that train of thought as he starts to do something even more fantastic. €˜Did he really just put his hand there? I never even knew you could do that! Do it again, do it again! Oh MY!€™

9. ‘Why Does This Feel Like A Scene Out Of WWZ?’

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You know that bit in World War Z where all the infected zombies are climbing up the ‘impenetrable’ stone walls of Jerusalem and it’s all just getting a bit too much? You know, when there are heaps and heaps of zombies crawling up heaps and heaps of other zombies (gotta feel sorry for those zombies at the bottom) to get into the city full of nice healthy people just living their lives?

That’s what sex is feeling like right at this moment. Too many limbs, too much skin-on-skin contact, bodily fluids rubbing up everywhere. You didn’t even know your body could contort into this position – you’ve never managed to get your leg around your own head before!

Let’s just take it back to missionary, shall we?

8. ‘How Can I Ask Him To Do That Thing Without Actually Asking Him To Do That Thing?’

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Of course you want him to travel languidly down the realms of your body, kissing, licking and tasting every last inch of your skin as he goes. In this fantasy you’re preferably tied up with silk scarves, blindfolded, and screaming through orgasm after orgasm as he refuses to cease his magical caresses.

As well as it being nigh on impossible to ask a man to bring this fantasy to life, the realistic outcome will look something like this: you bound up to your Ikea bed stand with curtain ties, wearing a tea towel as a blind fold (it was the handiest bit of material big enough, ok?) and him asking you what he should be doing next. Sigh.

7. ‘I Wonder What Would Happen If A Baby Was Being Conceived Right Now?’

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A thought that tends to spring to mind when you’re at it hard and fast. ‘Will a baby appear if he does it this hard? Will his sperm get all up in there and get me pregnant?’ Cue a moment of utter panic where your brain freezes €“ along with your libido.

You slow down to the point of immobility, let him think you just want a change in tempo, and berate yourself over and over for not knowing whether you took the pill last night or not.

Then spend the rest of the month awaiting a missed period and convincing yourself that motherhood is upon you.

6. ‘Does He Mind That My Hair Is All Over His Face Right Now?’

This happens all the time. You’re on top, having a great time, feeling like the sexy lady that you are, then look down and realise your hair is covering his face and – oh my god, there’s so much of your hair in his mouth right now! Is he choking on your hair? While you’re still going at it?

You’€™re totally still in the zone right now, can’€™t he just push it out the way? He’s making the most pained and screwed up facial expressions! You reach down in order to scoop up your hair and tie it up, lose your balance, and promptly fall off the bed.

You really are the epitome of a sexual being.

5. ‘I’m So Thirsty’

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How many times have you considered pausing just for a moment to ask if you can have a drink break? Think of it as kind of like half time during a football game. This whole physical act is so dehydrating – does he even realise how much effort you’re putting into this?

Your abs are going to be rock hard after this particular roll around. And you don’t know it now, but your thighs will be aching for days. Just a sip of water would really rejuvenate your bedroom skills.

Oh, he’s saying he’s about to come. You better carry on then. Good bye half-time thirst quencher.

4. ‘I Think I Need A Wee’

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Always a thought and never spoken aloud, needing a wee during sex is probably one of the worst things that can happen to a girl- and completely distracts from all the fun that was going on right up until the moment your bladder (that life-long companion) decides to let you down.

Those muscles you’re squeezing like you’re trying to crack open walnut shells? They’re the muscles that are going to betray you and expel non-sexy fluids in just under ten minutes if he doesn’t hurry the hell up and come already.

Oh, and don’t even think about trying to come yourself – that’s a recipe for disaster right there.

3. ‘Why Are My Boobs Utterly Non-Existent When I Lay On My Back?’

So you’ve met this guy and you’ve gone on a date. You’ve worn your best push-up bra and a low cut sexy top, you’ve had a great time and now you’re heading back to his place. You’ve gone through the front door… he’s taken you through to the bedroom… he’s pulled off all your clothes in a record amount of seconds… he’s pushed you down onto the bed… he leans down to kiss your neck and- WHERE THE HELL DID YOUR BOOBS JUST GO?

Did they roll off of you and out of the door? Are they hiding somewhere between your armpits and your shoulder blades? Does this physical transition from female to male happen to every girl when they lay down braless?

BREASTS, YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME.

2. ‘I’m So Excited To Have An Orgasm! But It’s Not Going To Happen In This Position…

…Or this one. Or that one either.’ How does he not know yet that you can come in literally two places? Him holding you upside down with your head on the bedroom carpet while he holds one of your legs at a right angle (which is not feeling natural AT ALL) is not going to bring you to the peak of climax. Nor is trying to do it bent over the sofa in your living room while worrying that the curtains are open and the whole world are about to walk past and see you at it.

Seriously, why can’€™t he just take you to bed, get on top and let you do your thing?

1. ‘Did He Just Come?’


He made a bit of a weird noise, and now you don’t know what the hell is going on around here. You think he might just be one of those guys that climaxes in a pretty casual manner. You know, grunt and thrust and finish. But what happens if you roll off him and actually he hasn’t come at all?

And so the ultimate panic erupts; it’s decision time. Do you carry on? Do you stop wriggling around like a fish in a bucket? (Obviously that was the move you were going for). Do you wait for him to tell you he’s finished?

What if he thinks you want to carry on for longer? What if neither of you say anything at all?

WHAT IF YOU END UP HAVING SEX UNTIL THE END OF TIME?

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