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Because not all sex noises are created equal.

Your bodies will make several sounds when they slap against and detach from one another.

Like the sound of a wet suction cup being peeled from the side of a bathtub.

You’ll direct your partner to what feels good in an air-traffic control sort of way.

Waving an arm here and there, and speaking in a code that they’ll try their best to use to stick an OK landing.

You will smell their armpit; you’ll probably even have your face in it.

And possibly taste it depending how weird you get.

There will be some, or a lot, of hair in your mouth.

And you might notice it later — pubic or otherwise.

The condom ask and subsequent search will go down.

It’ll be sort of like a business deal and a scavenger hunt.

The condom will need to be put on and taken off, and this will never look smooth.

This takes a lot of downward looking and certainty, which is less masturbatory than it is clinical.

Air will be pushed inside of places, making the noise air does when it does that.

A fart noise. I’m so sorry. It’s just a fact.

You’ll be covered in sweat and it will make you look like a puddle of your former self.

Not in a glisten-y way, but in an “oh my god, I didn’t know I could sweat there” animal way.

There will be fluids and stains from said fluids, ones that get crusty and end up necessitating a serious laundry run.

“Residue,” is, unfortunately, not a sexy word.

Things will slip out of other things, bumping each other, sometimes having a similar painful toe-stubbing effect.

Sometimes, they will slip onto other places and one of you will be like “whoa what the fuck?!” and you’ll have to apologize and explain, and it’ll be like a mini-driving lesson.

You’ll see this person’s ass-crack and all it’s glory several times, kind of like how you see your cat’s.

Which, honestly, can be sexy. But it can also be terrifying. Have you ever seen a dude’s hairy ass? It’s like looking into the void.

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