Sometimes it’s nice to know that people held in high regard are really bad at something. While the reasons for this probably brew from envy or some other equally ugly trait, it’s simply how these things work. We’re human after all, and one person’s success is another person’s perceived failure. Of all classes of people, none are idolized more than the celebrity. This is why I’ve taken a look at many sources (some reputable) to find out which celebrities are piss-poor at sex. From the many sources consulted, these are the worst of the worst.
You’d think for a man with such experience with so many women that Hefner would be the lay of all lays. But multiple sources insist this couldn’t be less true. Playmates Izabella St. James and Kendra Wilkinson both claim 89-year-old Hefner is a decrepit bore. In her novel/memoir, Wilkinson wrote: “I wanted to see if this experienced King of Sexdom knew anything the rest of us did not. He must know deep down that it is just a show. But he is trying to live out this fantasy he has been selling to people since 1954.”
Lara Croft a dud in bed? Say it ain’t so! Angelina Jolie was dissed by ex-boyfriend Billy Bob Thorton who claimed, “Sometimes with the model, the actress, the ‘sexiest person in the world,’ it may be literally like fu**ing the couch.” Since I’ve never personally f***ed my own couch, I can’t officially say what this feels like. If you have, please let us know in the comments.
According to ex Brigitte Daguerre, James was a “dud in bed and only cared about himself.” Which would make sense, considering the motorcycle enthusiast selfishly cheated on America’s favorite actress, Sandra Bullock, and tat goddess Kat Von D (with 19 other women, according to her testimony).
Judging by his accent, too-cool demeanor and stellar performance in his viral sex tape with playmate Nicole Narain, one would think Farrell would be a stud in the sack, but according to Woody Allen’s former nanny who hooked up with the actor, he, too, was a selfish lover: “He didn’t at all come across as a sex god who had slept with countless woman. If I didn’t know better, I could almost have thought it was his first time. Once he’d got what he fancied, he’d just go to bed.”
It would appear that Sheen too, is a selfish lover — must be a trait among famous men. Sheen’s ex-wife and actress, Denise Richards, mentioned in an interview that he cared more about pleasuring himself than pleasuring her. She also wasn’t a fan of him watching adult films during sex, which is something he did a lot.
According to ex and “Newlyweds” co-star Jessica Simpson, Lachey’s performance wasn’t bad, per se — his package was. She confessed “Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes. Like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much, I faked the whole thing. I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though.”
Despite being the biggest thing in pop music and dating many high-profile men, Taylor Swift is supposedly not that into sex. According to reports, One Directioner Harry Styles broke up with the 26-year-old because she was a prude. The source was quoted saying “While it was clear she obviously had a thing for Harry, Taylor didn’t want to put out as often as he would’ve liked.”
Notorious reality star Brody Jenner hosts a sex show, “Sex With Brody”, but according to his bedroom reviews, nobody, male or female, should be taking his unsolicited advice. Jenner’s ex and “The Hills” co-starKristin Cavallari claims he’s very “vanilla” in the sack and doesn’t venture far “outside the box.” Whether this is to be taken literally (no anal, Brody?), I’m not too sure.
Evidently, if a celebrity hooks up with an exotic dancer, they’ll still be exploited for cash. Go figure. According to an exotic dancer who had a piece of 50 cent, the bad boy rapper was half the man he claims to be, saying: “I had to tell him — are we going to get it popping or are we going to talk? I couldn’t believe it, here was 50, supposed to be all tough, acting like a 14 year old boy. 50 is definitely not packing. He’s barely six inches. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give him a 3. He probably deserves lower than that, but I gave him extra points because he was respectful.”
As evidenced by her sex tape, “One Night In Paris,” Paris Hilton‘s over-the-top, in-your-face sexuality does not translate well into the bedroom. According to her ex and Backstreet Boy member Nick Carter, “She was a drunken prude who as far as I can see did not really like sex.” He continued to say she “lacked confidence” and would often be too wasted to even perform.
Mathers’ much-rapped-about ex, Kim Mathers, got back at the rapper and music mogul by publicly dissing his manhood, admitting “He’s not very well endowed. If you’re going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work.” Damn, Kim! Harsh.
Instead of being bashed by a bitter ex, Apatow took a strategic approach to his lackluster lovemaking, branding himself a poor lover before anybody else could. “I said to the girl after my first time, ‘Hey, was it good for you, too?’ And she said, ‘Well, I guess it’ll get better eventually.'” We’ll have to assume he got much better, considering Apatow’s married to funny babe Leslie Mann.
12 CELEBRITIES RUMORED TO BE TERRIBLE IN BED