food hack machine gun

Want to rule the kitchen like you’re the bastard son of MacGyver and Martha Stewart? Keep reading. In the following list we’ve compiled twelve of the most clever food tricks known to man. Ready? Here we go:

1.) Protect your lips from spicy food with lip balm

What’s that you say? These wings have Trinidad Moruga Scorpion extract on them and are practically like eating mace? Sounds delicious! If you’re the type who can’t resist the allure of spicy foods, you can save your lips from burning off by slapping on some lip balm before you tuck into your meal. It won’t save the inside of your mouth, but it’ll provide a decent amount of protection for your smackers.

Tested: The Best Tear-Free Tricks for Cutting Onions

2.) Cut onions without crying

Love onions, but don’t want to look like you’ve been watching Steel Magnolias and weeping into your pillow all afternoon? We’ve got the remedy. You can cut onions without shedding a single tear by cutting them underwater, putting them in the freezer, or cutting under a vent. Find out more here.

Picture of The End of the Chip Clip

3.) Seal a bag of chips without a clip

I love chips, but I hate keeping track of the stupid plastic accessories needed to keep them closed. With this clever folding technique, you can completely seal a bag of chips using nothing more than the bag itself – which is much better than busting out the duct tape and staple gun every time you want a snack. See how it’s done here.

4.) Grill perfect steaks without cutting into them by using the four finger method

Cutting into your meat to check if it’s cooked through is fine… if you’re an amateur. A real man knows that presentation is just as important as taste, so you don’t want to serve up a slab of steak with a big ugly gash in the middle. Using this method, you can easily discern the doneness of your meat by using your thumb heel as a reference. Check this link to learn how.

Grill Perfectly Moist Chicken Under a Brick

5.) Grill perfect chicken by cooking it under a brick

The Italians call it pollo al mattone, but we just call it cooking with a goddamn brick. It’s a pretty foolproof trick, and if you do it right you’ll get the most juicy chicken you’ve ever eaten. The weight flattens the meat out and presses it against the grill, which helps the bird cook quickly and keep from drying out. – just make sure you wrap the brick in foil after you tear it out of your driveway. If you need extra instruction, you can find it here.

Picture of How to open a bottle of beer without a bottle opener

6.) Open a beer with practically anything

Bottle openers be damned – with the proper technique, you can open a beer with anything that as a moderately abrupt edge on it. I once opened a beer with a bear trap, and the resounding pop given off by the bottle attracted flocks of moist, wanting damsels from every village within a five mile radius. True story. The key to success is the proper grip, which you can learn here.

7.) Cut an apple in half with your bare hands

You can also do this with a phonebook, but those things taste like shit, so we’ll show you how to do it with fruit instead. With the right leverage, you can rip an apple perfectly in half using nothing more than your bare, rawhide-like hands. This one requires a bit of practice. Here’s how it’s done.

8.) Eat chicken wings with one hand and save the other for your beer

And they say us guys don’t know how to multitask. Pfff. Peep game, naysayers – by grabbing your wings from the proper end and giving the meat quick a downward push, you can release it from the bone with a single hand. Once this is accomplished, you can easily finish the job with your mouth. Check out this video to learn the proper technique.

Open Your Unopenable Jars with a Dissected Tennis Ball

9.) Open stubborn jars with a dissected tennis ball

Can’t open that pickle jar and don’t want to look like a sissy in front of your fellow dudes? Put down the skillsaw – there’s a better way to do it. Just cut open a tennis ball and use that mofo to get a better grip. It works like a charm. You can also use an old mousepad, some rubber bands, or just run it under a hot tap for a minute, but those methods won’t give you the satisfaction of murdering a tennis ball.

Soak Dried Beans for 24 Hours to Avoid Excess Gas

10.) Soak beans for awhile before cooking to avoid getting gassy

Ahh the magical fruit. The more you eat, the more likely you are to clear out an elevator before it reaches the third floor. Beans are an awesome source of protein and they’re tasty to boot, but they also contain high amounts of oligosaccharides – complex sugars that are hard to digest and generally cause gas. By soaking beans for a few hours and discarding the water, you can effectively break down these sugars and circumvent any thunderous, room-clearing farts. Find out more here.

Stick Lettuce on the Bottom of Your Burger to Protect the Bun from the Juices

11.) Put lettuce on the bottom of your burger to keep the bun from getting soggy

Pro tip: lettuce repels grease better than bread. The best way to your those gloriously juicy burgers from turning your bottom bun to mush is to put the lettuce on the bottom. This one doesn’t really require further explanation, but if you want more info on proper burger stacking technique, look here.

How to make perfect bacon - Vasko Miokovic / Getty Images

12.) Cook perfect bacon by putting it in the oven

I know it’s hard to neglect your perfectly-seasoned cast-iron skillet, but if you want the most crispy bacon you’ve ever eaten, ditch the stovetop and turn on the oven. Not only does this method produce better, crispier bacon, but cooking on a baking sheet gives you more room for more bacon. Allow me to reiterate that last point: I said MORE BACON! Find detailed instructions here.