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12 of the Worst/Best Flirting Strategies

Flirting or coquetry is a social and sometimes sexual activity involving verbal or written communication as well as body language. Do you understand the language of flirting? I don’t, but here’s some things I found on the web that might help us lonely lovelorn bastards make it through.

“Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Or a girlfriend? I’m so cute and nice and funny if you’d just get to know me! Why won’t everyone just come over and talk to me, discover how wonderful I am, and fall madly in love with me?” said everyone. We all want to be loved/have our egos stroked by being found attractive, and most of the time we want it to happen without any effort or possibility of rejection. But if you’re not pulling in booty on the daily you might need to work on your flirting skills. Maybe you’ve read articles online, in magazines, or asked people for advice. Well, I’m here to tell you that the vast majority of flirting advice is terrible. Let’s start with some of the worst common strategies.

Flirting Don’ts

Negging

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According to Pick-Up Artists (repulsive losers), the best way to get a girl to pay attention to you is by insulting them. Supposedly it surprises them, makes them listen to you, and puts you in a higher status position. What it really does though is make you look like an a-hole. Negging can also hurt someone’s feelings, and it’s a clear sign you’ve taken dating advice from a carnie-looking tool in a fuzzy hat.

Liking whatever they like

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Having a common interest is good. Pretending you have a common interest? Not so good. You will be found out. “Oh, you like Black Flag? Me too! Oh, what’s my favorite song? Uh I can’t remember the name right now …” Even if you manage to play it off and you get in a relationship with that person, you will have to come clean eventually and you will seem creepy and/or lame. It’s okay to not like Black Flag! I don’t really know anything about Black Flag. I am pretty sure they are a punk band? No? Metal? Punk metal? I don’t know.

Prolonged eye contact

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“Eye contact” is in every article about flirting. And yes, if you’re talking to someone, you probably want to make eye contact with them. Even smile! But minutes of hardcore eye contact is actually called staring, and is very creepy.

Shotgun approach

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“I just want a girl! ANY GIRL! Hey, you! Girl! No? Okay. You over there! Hello! No? FINE.” If you are trying to get ANY girl or ANY boy to like you, you’re going to fail. People don’t want to feel like you just want anyone, they want to feel like you want THEM. So pick one person to flirt with. If it fails, flirt with someone else another time. You don’t want to be a shotgun, spraying shells in every direction. You want to be a sniper rifle, picking one specific person. Actually, you know what? Maybe using a metaphor about shooting people is not a good idea. Flirting should not be anything like shooting someone.

Following “the rules”

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Even though people definitely DO follow the rules waiting a week to call,not texting back right away, etc. you have to at least make it seem like you aren’t. Make it seem like you don’t even think about how long it’s been since you called or who texted last. You like this person, but they are only one part of a busy and fulfilling life (even if you spend most of your time watching SpongeBob and eating Apple Jacks).

Supreme confidence

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Every article on dating mentions confidence. And confidence is good! If someone clearly hates themselves or thinks they’re ugly, you probably don’t want to spend a lot of time with them because they’ll be a downer. But being TOO confident when you’re flirting makes it seem like you’re just putting moves on that person that you’ve done a million times to other people. A little bit of shyness or nervousness is cute, and it makes you think that person really likes you. And everyone wants to be liked.

There you go, the top six garbage flirting tips that you’ve heard over and over. But you don’t need them!

Flirting Dos

Here’s a crash course in flirting dos.

Look

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When Flirting, find the most enticing way to position your eyelids and smile so that a person will feel welcomed into your social space. The Look is the Flirter’s way of greeting an attractive individual, much like the English, I’m potentially open to getting frisky with you.

Laugh

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In China, burping after a meal is seen as a sign of appreciation. The same can be said of the Flirter’s Laugh. Whether or not the person with whom you are flirting has said something amusing, The Laugh can be employed as merely a thank you for conversation.

Punch, poke or touch

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Akin to the Zuckerbergian Poke, the Flirter’s (light, friendly, not-go-to-jail-level) Punch is intended to elicit a reaction. In the land of Flirting, reactions are like currency. In order to thrive, one must figure out a way to yield a steady stream of money. I mean attention. Yeah, I’m getting confused by the analogies, too.

Mirror

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Mirroring a person’s body language is the dance of the Flirtish People. Skilled dancers will not appear to actively copy an arm cross or a popped hip, they just seamlessly transition in a manipulative validation of their flirt partner’s physicality.

Synch

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Even when at a loss for words, the savvy Flirter understands the concept of staying in synch with their partner’s speech patterns. Simply keeping up with verbal patter and echoing inflection gives the impression that you are engaging in witty banter, regardless of presence of actual wit. If it feels like an intellectual match, it’s probably close enough.

Divulge

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Sharing a personal story is a Flirter’s way of promising further intimacy. In Flirting, to divulge is to inspire a sense of curiosity, or simply put, a reaction, which as we’ve learned, is money. Or something. Be careful not to over-divulge, however, or you’ll be mistaken for a Freak (enemy of the Flirtish) and ostracized.

Hold

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The hallmark of the most sophisticated class of Flirt, the ability to casually grab a person’s hand and have the confidence to hold it means a Flirter has achieved nirvana. Hand holding is considered a rite of passage into Flirter adulthood, also known as the state of Hooking Up.

Grind

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If all else fails when visiting the land of Flirting, grind upon a person’s genital. They’ll get the hint that you’re a friendly visitor. Traveler’s tip: when employing this technique, it’s imperative that music is playing, otherwise The Grind will be perceived as a sign of hostility, and you’ll be thrown into the prison with the other Sex-offenderians.

What do you guys think? How do you flirt?

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