The penis. This precious appendage is simultaneously awesome and awful. It’s awesome because our penises have all the feels, and even slightly bending our boners can give a mighty fantastic sensation. It’s awful because it can also be a great source of pain should it be hit or even lightly grazed in any way. Regardless, our penises aren’t going anywhere (unless you ask to have it removed for reasons nobody has to know about), so we’ve learned to play around with the thing. Because we’re guys and playing with things is what we do, below are the many ways guys mess around with our wieners.
1. Stretch It
A flaccid penis has the general texture of slightly chewed gum. So if we’re bored one evening, we may choose to stretch our penises to their fullest extent –- you know, for shits and giggles. But also to see how big it can be for measurement purposes. Sure, it might hurt, but now we know better.
2. Tuck It Between Our Legs
Like Buffalo Bill displays in “Silence of the Lambs” (“Would you f*ck me? I’d f*ck me. I’d f*ck me hard”), sometimes a guy may choose to jokingly tuck his twig and berries between his legs so that his genitals resemble a vagina. No judgment.
3. Twirl It
Similar to what a lady might do with a lock of hair, a man may twirl his flaccid penis with his finger when he’s got nothing better to do. Many times, this act leads to masturbation. And by many times, I mean always.
4. Put It In Our Bodies
This is much easier to accomplish if a man is more of a grower than a shower, but when flaccid, we can actually push our penises inside our bodies like a button. Then, it’s as if the thing didn’t exist at all. Well except for the balls; those won’t fit. Or at least, I hope they wouldn’t.
5. Tuck It In Our Waistbands
If a dude has a boner and is then asked to perform a chore or do something that will force him to stand up, he’s going to tuck that mighty erection in his waistband. This serves as our greatest line of defense against possible humiliation due to tent pitching.
6. Bounce It
Although I have no idea which muscle is responsible for this feat, every man has discovered that he can bounce his manhood without even touching it. It’s basically boner magic — the secret of which we don’t even know.
7. Wag It
In an aggressive movement, a man will wag his erect penis by shifting his hips from left to right so that our boners smack the sides of our hips like a log of salami. It’s great fun when you happen upon a boner at an inopportune time to masturbate, because wagging comes in a close second. Kind of.
8. Slap It
Honestly, slapping our penises is very much the same as wagging. You have a boner. It’s there. So you play with it. Slapping it against our bodies is just the way we sometimes go about it.
9. Hot Dog It
Turning your wiener into a hot dog is quite easy. All you do is rest your shaft in between your two balls so that your scrotum now serves as a bun and the shaft as the beefy wiener. If you haven’t done this before, you will.
10. Measure It
Since men are societally judged by the size of their penises, we’re going to measure it to make sure we’re within the national average. This is probably an unnecessary thing to do, because we ultimately round our measurement to eight inches anyways.
11. Take Pictures Of It
Like a gal with a selfie, a man goes through many dick pics before selecting the image that the lucky recipient will receive but never asked for. Ultimately, we want it to be shot close-up, and from a low angle so it looks more tower-esque. Some will even feature everyday items like a remote or RedBull can so that you can better see its true size.
12. Cup It
When our hands are down our pants, we say we’re scratching our balls, but this isn’t entirely true. More accurately put, we’re probably cupping our balls. As for the reason why? Who knows. Perhaps we cup our penises to protect them. I can’t give a scientific answer to why we do this because I doubt there is one. So let’s go with this: We do it because it feels good, and keeps our hands warm during the winter months.
12 THINGS EVERY MAN DOES WITH HIS PENIS