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12 THINGS EVERY MAN DOES IN THE SHOWER

The shower’s primary purpose may be to clean yourself, but as we all know, we get up to a lot more in there. The reason for this is likely that showers are deceptively private, and as a result, we believe we can do whatever we want without judgment. But the truth is, a bathroom amplifies more than a concert hall, and if anybody else is home, there’s a good chance they’re going to know what we’re up to. So in the interest of getting it all out in the open for the greater good, here are the 12 things all of us do (or have done) in the shower.

1. Sing
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While not exclusive to men, singing in the shower is about as standard as shampooing your hair. The only difference is, when men sing, it’s usually a song we would never sing in public — something catchy by Taylor Swift, perhaps.

2. Fart (Loudly)
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Since most of us see the shower as a personal chamber where nobody else exists, guys tend to be more likely to let one of our more aggressive, cheek-clapping farts loose.

3. Dance
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Again, since we’re closed off from everybody else (and hopefully have some tunes going in the shower), it becomes a personal nightclub and we dance like no one’s watching. Because they aren’t.

4. Pee
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The convenience of taking a leak in the shower is tough to pass up. After all, you’re already in there cleaning your body. If the urge to pee creeps in, and it’s all going to the same place anyway, why not take a piss and watch as the yellow stream commingles with the hot shower water until it twirls down the drain? Who could blame you?

5. Shampoo Mohawks
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While you probably did this more when you were a child, turning your hair into a mohawk with shampoo was pretty standard all the way through adolescence. If you still do it today, don’t worry; there’s still no shame in your game.

6. Masturbate
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With soap working as such an effective lubricant, of course a guy is going to masturbate. We’re men and that’s what men do. You got a problem with that?

7. Look At Our Bodies
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When a man steps out of the shower, he’s usually confronted by his body in the mirror’s unfair reflection. More often than not, we’re not pleased by this reflection; our physique isn’t looking its best. Was it because of the pizza we destroyed the evening prior after a ridiculous amount of beer at 3 a.m., followed by shots and that corner store shawarma? Nope. No way. It’s probably some other reason that’s not our fault whatsoever.

8. Fall
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Ever fallen back into the bathtub completely hammered while taking a leak in the toilet? Of course you have. We all have. Some of us have even taken the shower curtain with us in a last-ditch effort to break our fall. But if you’re in the minority, a more likely way to fall is by merely slipping on the tub’s notoriously slick surface. Either way, you’re going down sooner or later.

9. Have Sex
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If a man ever showers with his girlfriend, he’s going to see if it will result in sex. In doing so, he will realize that shower sex is much more difficult than the movies portray, and is actually a total pain in the ass — the opposite of sexy. Somehow, the inclusion of water makes penetration even harder to accomplish.

10. Try To Be Sexy
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For some indiscernible reason, showers are sexy. You feel sexy in them. As such, we may seductively run the water over our heads or run our hands over our sudsy bodies as if we were cast as man candy in a chick flick. Sure, it’s embarrassing, but we’ve all totally done this.

11. Try To Cure A Hangover
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You’re having one of those brutal hangovers where you’ve vowed to never drink again. The room is spinning and the tiled bathroom floor isn’t doing the trick, so you crawl toward the shower to see if that can somehow help with this bitch of a headache. Alas, it doesn’t. But it was worth a shot.

12. Burn The Sh*t Out Of Ourselves
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With the slightest turn of the knob, a shower can go from arctic cold to Satan’s piss trickling down your back. Men react differently to this shift in temperature than women do, and tend to curse out whatever party is responsible.

 

12 THINGS EVERY MAN DOES IN THE SHOWER

 

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