13 CELEBRITIES WHO WON’T STOP MAKING CRITICALLY PANNED FILMS
It takes sincere dedication to your craft to be a celebrity untouchable like these people. Others, however, star in stinker after stinker like it’s going out of style. Mathematically speaking, the following actors and actresses are some of the worst-rated thespians to spew out of that weird and wacky entertainment mecca we call Hollywood.
Although Rob Schneider did appear in the international box office smash hit “The Stapler,” he has been statistically the worst-reviewed actor ever. It’s as if Schneider has claimed a monopoly on C-movie comedy disasters. An amazing 69 percent of his films have been reviewed negatively. However, it’s impressive that Schneider has remained so consistent with movies that could very well be anthrax for film critics, including “The Hot Chick,” “The Animal,” and of course, “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.”
“Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” review example: “Like a real gigolo, it screws you and takes your money.”
Tara Reid has been nominated for two Razzie Awards and won the coveted Stinker Award for Worst Actress in “Alone in the Dark.” The film was directed by Uwe Boll, another member of the film community who apparently likes to troll hoity-toity armchair internet critics like me with utter failures. Reid just finished wrapping the fourth installment in the “Sharknado” franchise, “The 4th Awakens.” It’s evident that she cares no more, and has embraced her status as guaranteed box office poison, which is admirable in a sense.
“Alone in the Dark” review example: “When the giant, intelligent bees of the future sift through the ashes of our civilization, they will find ‘Alone in the Dark,’ and they will understand. It’s so bad, it’s postmodern.”
Every time you watch a melodramatic, over-the-top douche-noir Tyler Perry movie, you expect Madea to leap out of the woodwork and scream, “Oh my lort!” It ruins the whole experience; not that the experience wasn’t already ruined to begin with. Even though “A Madea Christmas,” “Temptation,” “The Single Moms Club,” “Alex Cross” and “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” have all received less than 20 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, Perry has a $400 million net worth. It boggles the mind, but it makes sense when you factor in that he writes, directs and produces his own movies.
“Temptation” review example: “Perry’s movies have become so thematically grandiose, visually incoherent, and self-defensively bourgeois that the only way to receive them lately is as a cynic.”
The pony-tailed karate guru and special consultant to Louisiana law enforcement seems to be suffering from some sort of age dysphoria. This year alone, he’s starred in eight action films with hack-action titles such as “The Asian Connection” and “The Perfect Weapon,” all of which will surely be either ignored by critics or shat upon by them. Although his recent films feature hilarious movie posters of a 64-year-old with explosions and tanks in the background, I would urge him to return to Jefferson Parish and film more “Lawman” because it tickles my funny bone in the best of ways.
“Born to Raise Hell” review example: “If you’ve seen any of Seagal’s previous 800 martial-arts films, you’ve seen this one.”
Hollywood had high hopes for this ginger diva after she starred in “Mean Girls” and “Freaky Friday.” But since her DUI and subsequent visits to rehab and Charlie Sheen’s house, Lindsay Lohan has been in a rash of small-time B-movies and cringe-inducing comedies including “InAPPropriate Comedy.” It’s like she’s relishing in the downward spiral. Common sense would dictate that bigwig producers now consider Lohan’s freckled face smallpox for the silver screen.
“Scary Movie 5” review example: “A film composed almost entirely of jokes that were much funnier when you read them on Twitter years ago.”
As Taylor Lautner fans slowly inch toward puberty, Lautner himself inches toward losing his fan base. The future looks bleak for this typecast werewolf. It doesn’t look bright for Robert Pattison either, but at least he’s embarrassed by “Twilight.” In all likelihood, Lautner will suffer the same fate as fellow momentary heartthrob and baby-faced brunette Nick Lachey.
“The Ridiculous 6” review example: “[It’s] everything wrong with Hollywood for the past two decades.”
In the same way that everybody seems to hate Hillary Clinton, people also hate Kristen Stewart. Maybe it’s the fact that she cheated on innocent little Brit scamp Robert Pattison. The truth, however, may lie in the popular consensus that Stewart has the emotional depth of a dead fish.
“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” review example: “Ostensible heroine Bella is such a weak, needy, pathetic co-dependent who stirs up so much shit for those she purportedly loves that it’s hard to muster much rooting interest for her.”
Sarah Jessica Parker
“South Park” called her a horse. Donald Trump agreed that she was the “unsexiest woman alive.” With the culmination of her life’s work receiving a piddling 15 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, Sarah Jessica Parker’s outlook on creating box office blowouts like the original “Sex and the City” is bleak. Much like the aforementioned “Twilight” kiddos, she has succumbed to a strangling typecast; not that of a vampire, mind you, but that of a large hoofed mammal that likes to graze on farms and eat grass.
“Sex and the City 2” review example: “Sarah Jessica Parker is now 45 years old, and, frankly, I cannot stomach another moment of the simpering, mincing, hair-tossing, eyelash-batting little-girl shtick she’s been pulling ever since L.A. Story.”
Behind Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler is the second-worst-reviewed actor of all time. Recent movie genocides like “The Cobbler” and “Grown Ups 2” attest to this, falling blow 10 percent positive ratings. As they say in “the biz,” if you want to make a critical flop, give Sandler $25 million and tell him to make it happen. There’s a reason Sandler is voted the most overpaid actor in Hollywood. He earned his stripes in the ’90s with “Happy Gilmore” and “Billy Madison.” After that, he flew into comedy fluff territory, though successful, with movies like “50 First Dates.” But then in 2011 “Jack and Jill” came along, which effectively crapped on everyone’s optimism that Sandler would eventually make a comeback, receiving a 3 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I still believe, though.
“Jack and Jill” review example: “Burn this. It cannot be seen. By anyone.”
It’s not so much that Katherine Heigl is box office poison; it’s that no one will work with her to create a box office hit. Nobody likes Katherine Heigl. It’s become common knowledge that the dark-eyed blonde is a notorious diva on the set. In 2007 when “Knocked Up” came out, the future looked bright. But Heigl’s career has grown progressively stagnant. Her latest big film “Home Sweet Hell” peaked at 5 percent on the Tomatometer.
“Home Sweet Hell” review example: “[…a] noxious piece of crud….”
Jennifer Love Hewitt
She’s been called the “worst actress over the past 30 years.” More than 75 percent of her films have been reviewed negatively. She has great boobs. Jennifer Love Hewitt has never been in a film that has achieved a “Fresh” rating, a distinction reserved for movies that eclipse 60 percent. She is the first and only Hollywood star who has done this.
“Jewtopia” review example: “Oy! ‘Jewtopia’ may sound like utopia, but watching it will give you a vision of hell.”
If you’ve ever seen “Here Comes the Boom” or “Zookeeper,” you might find it heartbreaking that someone with such raw comedic talent could be so cruel to his fans. Kevin James is exceptionally likable; his movies aren’t. It’s ironic that three actors on this list (Sandler, Schneider and James) are all friends and part of a film troupe that consistently make terrible films. James was rated the fourth-worst-reviewed actor of all time with 53 percent of his films taking flak from film critics. And that’s sad.
“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” review example: “As expected, all the humor involves his bumping into things and falling over because he’s fat, which is apparently hilarious.”
Ashton Kutcher and Kevin James tie, with 53 percent of critics despising their work. Since the days of “Butterfly Effect,” Kutcher has starred in fluffy romcoms that rely on his charm and boyish looks to sell theater tickets.
“Killers” review example: “I was tested by Killers’ gaping lack of a single distinguishing characteristic.”