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13 TIMES ‘FIRST TIME WE MET’ CONVERSATIONS WENT REALLY DARK –

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First time I invite a girl I was seeing to my apartment, she goes through my closets and drawers while making jokes about my possessions, talks about how much I look like her brother and how good that is for me, and that she has IBS.  She then goes to the bathroom opens the door and continues to hold a conversation with me. I haven’t had her over since.

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Early 2000’s. I was sitting on a park bench at SeaWorld. Girl sits down next to me.

“I saw a pterodactyl porn once.”

“What’s that?”

“Pterodactyl Porn. Well technically the guy was a pterodactyl and women were human, so I guess it was more of an interspecies thing…

 

He cawed and flapped a bunch. Kinda felt sorry for the girls.”

“Oh. Ok.”

“Pterodactyl starts with a P by the way. For when you look it up.”

“Thanks, but I wont.”

… But I totally did

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Hired in a contractor (IT) and within the first half of the day he tells us that he is the reincarnation of President Andrew Jackson and that he controls satellites with his mind. Ended the contract.

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I had this crooked old lady come up to the register once and ask me to follow her over to the coffee bar. Once there, she points to the ground at a few sugar ants that were taking advantage of some spilled sugar. She looked at me accusingly, and said “You need to clean up these ants! I don’t want them getting in my sores!”

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Met a girl on OkCupid back in 2015 and went out on a date. We agreed to meet up for a beer and see how well we hit it off. While there she decided to order wings and is making an absolute mess while we chat. This girl tells me more or less everything about her life, including, but not limited to:

-her credit score (it was terrible)

-she decided she didn’t want to pay her student loans, and moved across the country without telling the institution rather than figure out what to do about it

-said move was to get engaged with a guy she’d been in a long distance relationship with for a couple weeks

-they broke it off 2 months later

-our date was one week after that…

First and only time I’ve ghosted someone. I didn’t want any part of that.

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We had a new guy at work mention to us how he stuck the bristle end of a toothbrush up his ass one time because he wanted to know what it felt like.
Edit: To the people who want to know what he said it felt like, I believe he said “it kind of tickled”. I’m guessing sensation experiences might vary from person to person…

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Sold a vehicle to an ex employee of NASA who was retired at a fairly young age. While I was in the front seat going over the setup of her new car after the sale, she starts telling me all about the aliens that won’t leave her alone, and force her to sleep with them. She said they keep her up all night, looked me dead in the eyes and started imitating them screaming “Fuck me, Sally! Fuck me, Sally! Fuck me, Sally!” Saw a kind of crazy I never expected out of a seemingly well put together tiny blond woman.
I still run into her from time to time in our service department.

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Guy I worked with from another branch said he was depressed about ten minutes after meeting him. I’m an idiot and asked what was wrong. He went on to tell me in excrucuating detail about how his wife hated him, cheated on him constantly, and told him in detail what she was doing with other guys all while walking around the house naked just to tease him. He thought it was because he had a small penis.

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I had just started a new job and a coworker I hadn’t met yet walked into the break room while I was eating lunch so I stood up, put out my hand for a handshake and said, “Hey, man, I’m Matt. How’s it going?”
To which he did not shook my hand but said, “it’s my wedding anniversary.”
I sat back down and said, “Oh. Congratulations.”
His response was, “We’ve been married 6 years and that bitch has been cheating on me for 4.”
Me, “Oh….”

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Coworker once told me she was fascinated with stink bugs and would basically capture them and keep as many as possible in her house. And that one of her favorite things to do was to draw a bath as hot and bubbly as possible, set a laptop on her toilet lid and watch a movie while taking a bath but also with a bunch of stink bugs in the bathroom with her, just flying and walking around everywhere. I still randomly think of it and think “ok but what the fuck though?” when I do.

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Went to a football game with a co-worker and a different co-worker’s husband. He was already drunk by the time I showed up and as I sat down he told me he married his wife (my co-worker) because she is a “spinner” ( someone small who can be spun around on a dick). I had just met the guy minutes before.

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Welcome week of college: dude tells a group of us he had to go to therapy for chronic masturbation

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I work for a commercial butcher and some times I train new delivery drivers. After a few hours the guy says “you know some people say that human meat is the sweetest”. I then spent 5 more hours in a truck with him.

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