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The only-him-oral-obsessed dude

Ever hook up with a guy who is always pushing your head down like you’re a human fleshlight, only to simply forget to return the favor? Yeah, these guys need to get thrown out of your apartment. Who is even letting this go anymore?! Selfishness about oral is a cardinal sin. It’s in the fine print of the ten commandments. Look it up.

The tongue-jabber

These guys treat oral like it’s an assault, and making out like they’re trying to remove your tonsils with their tongue. Too much tongue action is numbing on all body parts. Best to tongue lightly and carry a big stick…err, well just don’t go full pressure washer right off the bat, OK? It’s a vagina, not a deck that needs a new finish.

The ‘look me in the eyes’ artist

“Look at me, babe,” he says, as he removes you from any moment you were having and forces you to look deep into his eyes. While this can be ~soulful~, there’s a certain type of dude who seems to think that good sex can only happen with constant eye contact. It’s just creepy. It gives unsoothing vibes. I think this is how Tom Cruise bones, and that’s just not a good look.

The low key BDSM bro

Kinky is fine. Everyone has a thing, and most people like to get a little aggressive. That’s okay, it’s human and healthy. Know what isn’t cool, though? Surprising your sex partner with a chokehold or a slap to the face. These dudes must be mainlining Bukowski and fancying themselves alphas. In reality, not being man enough to ask someone what their boundaries are is the most beta thing you can do. ABC, as easy as one-two-three: Ask Before Choking.

The porno-position-switcher

These guys learn from Pornhub that the only way to have sex is to try as many acrobatic positions and permutations as possible in a six-minute period. You guys? That is an edited video. Those are actors. Snap back to reality and stop straining hamstrings for mediocre experiences.

The illiterate dirty talker

Why is it that some dudes try to get all whisper-y with like, three words maximum? If you’re gonna dirty talk, come prepared with a few things to say. Or be in the moment about it. Just don’t say “cock” 70 times. No one wants a slutty parrot in the room.

The ass-obsessed bro

If you want butt stuff, be up-front about it. It is truly ass-backwards to constantly be reaching and attempting at something without bringing it up. It never “just slips,” man. No one is that dumb.

The mission of missionary

Why do some dudes feel the need to keep sex in one position like they’re delivering the good word of missionary itself? There’s a whole world out there, man. No one wants to be on their back while you stare at the wall, always. It’s very much like watching already-dry paint…dry.

The fast-fingerblaster

Yeah, no one’s genitalia deserves to be treated like a video game or a claw machine, or anything else that warrants a lot of prying. Chill. There’s no gold at the end of this rainbow.

The ‘no homo’ repressed dude

Not a lot to say here besides this: if a dude is immature enough to say “no homo” repeatedly, he is not mature enough to bone you. These dudes suck. Let them grow up on Halo live, where they belong.

The mirror-needing narcissist

Some dudes just need to look at their own faces to get off, and that is insane to most of us. A mirror is cool sometimes, but when it’s always around, it kind of feels like you’re just taking selfies during the act. And that is not #MCM behavior. Sorry. Had to.

The period-phobic

“Periods happen. Period sex can happen. Get over it.” — Socrates

The dude who just. Doesn’t. L-i-s-t-e-n.

Above all, the worst type of person to have sex with is someone who never cares about the other person involved. Ask. Communicate. Listen. No one on the Internet can tell you or show you how to have good sex. Log off in the direction of your non-PG-dreams.

Source

13 Types Of Dudes It Sucks To Have Sex With

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