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14 Best Comebacks People Have Ever Heard

 

 

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The story of how my grandparents went on their first date has the greatest comeback ever.
My grandpa was working a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line (they’ve kind of met a few times in passing before) and she gets up to the register and my grandfather (attempting to hit on her) says “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” And my grandma replies, “I don’t know but you’ve been doing it longer than I have”.
And they’ve been happily married ever since.

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I work at a bar and these two older ladies were talking to each other.
Lady 1 : no body really likes you
Lady 2: go suck another $5 dick before you end up homeless again
I don’t even bother to pretend that I’m not listening to the conversations around me. This one got a big laugh out of me.

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Aussie cricketer Glenn McGrath was getting frustrated with Zimbabwean batsman, Eddo Brandes, during a game.
“Hey Eddo, why are you such a fat bastard?”
“Well Glenn, every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit”
Play stopped for a bit while everyone fell about laughing.

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My old roommates wife was a waitress. She’s quiet attractive. She’s serving a table one night of middle aged business men who have been drinking. They’re mostly polite, but one dude is starting to get pretty drunk and really forward with his comments… he tells her, “I really want you to sit on my face”. Without missing a beat, she replies, “because your nose is bigger than your dick?”

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Back in teenagedom arguing with my mum about chores.
Mum: “you think I should wipe your ass for you too?”.
Me: “Beats doing it myself!”
Mum: wipes my face
We both laughed so hard we forgot about the argument.

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Random kid: “I bet you can’t see your penis in the shower”
My friend: “Nope, only your moms head”
(yes I know this comeback was taken from somewhere but that doesn’t make it worse)

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Secret Santa gift exchange in college. One guy gets a collection of British currency (he liked to collect foreign bills and coins) and a girl makes a rude comment about it being a stupid gift. Cue my mouth running off before my brain can stop it, “Karen dont be rude, he just didnt want you to be the only one who gained 20 pounds this semester”
Pandemonium ensued as her boyfriend tried to pick a fight while she bursts into tears, it was not the best day for the club.

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Me to my kid: What’s the worst joke you know?
Him, without looking up from his Switch: I dunno, you?
It’s been months and it still fucking stings.

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Some group of college freshmen filled a condom with water and tried to drop it on my head (missed). I snuck up on them and started shit with them. Most were apologetic, but one of the girls gave me attitude and said “it wasn’t used or anything.” I said “of course it isn’t… look at you.”
I was pissed at the time, but I’ve actually felt terrible about it ever since. She wasn’t even ugly, but I could tell it made her feel bad. In any case, it was my best work.

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FOX5 host: “Don’t you think you went a little too far with the Catholic Church jokes?”
Bill Burr: “Don’t you think the Catholic Church went a little too far?”

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Back in high school:
Bitchy Girl: you better not hit me. My friend: Don’t worry. I hate animal abuse.
Cue hysteria.

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Co-worker made comment about performing a sexual act on my mother. I inform him that my mom is deceased. His reply, “I know. It was alot of digging.”

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Standing in line for the cafeteria in high school. Two middle schoolers arguing in front of me. One little smart ass hits the other with “I bet you don’t even know how many chromosomes you have.” The other doesn’t even blink before shouting back “More than you!”
I instantly lost my shit. Definitely not the smartest comeback, but easily the funniest I’ve heard.

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David Letterman : You know, I’m not as dumb as I look.
Tina Fey: Yeah, but how could you be?

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