DEADLY History


Everybody knows that cigarettes are inherently evil. They’re owned by companies run by evil old men who wear evil cowboy hats and make evil commercials that lure people in with pretty girls and success. We tracked down fourteen old diabolical cigarette commercials and identified each specific instrument that made them evil and ranked them based on —evilness.

14. Newport 
Instrument of Evil: Happiness
It’s too much effort to cheat on your wife… so why not just smoke a cigarette given to you by a fictional television couple? That’ll show her.
13. Marlboro
Instrument of Evil: Love

Imagine a cigarette that’s compatible with you and your interests in every way. The color, the flavor, the packaging — heck, you can even smoke it while you’re fixin’ up your truck. It’s the cigarette that knows you better than you know yourself. The perfect match. Your soul mate.

12. Newport
Instrument of Evil: Compromise

If you want a diet soda that still tastes good, you can compromise and drink Coke Zero. If you want to have sex and not be a parent, you compromise and use condoms. If you want a cigarette that tastes like tobacco and menthol, you can smoke a Newport. Without even realizing we had a choice, Newport provided a compromise.
11. Players
Instrument of Evil: Porn

Every guy wants to give a beautiful woman an earth-shattering orgasm… this commercial just suggests that, if you smoke Players, you can do just that. We think the in-out motion of the cigarette is supposed to symbolize sex… maybe.

10. Parisienne
Instrument of Evil: Pop Culture

Honestly, I’d eat a garbage bag full of gorilla sh*t if David Lynch told me to.

9. Champion
Instrument of Evil: Victory

“Taste the flavor of success with Champion Kings. The brand for the brand of man you are.” Any cigarette company that tries to establish itself as the Nike or Michael Jordan of smoking is trying to get deep into our heads. Everybody wants to go for the gold… everybody wants to be a champion.

8. Kool
Instrument of Evil: Sex

Can you remember any party where a girl and a guy going out on the roof for a cigarette didn’t end up boning each other silly? Nope, neither can we.

7. Camel
Instrument of Evil: Health

We’ll try anything if there’s a healthy label on it. Remember Vitamin Water? Over 40 grams of sugar per bottle, but a name that suggested you were drinking something healthy. Doctors like Camels? Doctors wouldn’t smoke something if it was bad for you. Spoiler alert: even doctors get emphysema.

6. Pall Mall
Instrument of Evil: Choice

We’re Americans — and as Americans, we demand the freedom of choice. Do we want fries with that? Yes. Regular or diet? Diet. Soup or salad? Soup! Flavor or mild? Both! Pall Mall gave us with a cigarette that satisfied our need for cake-owning and cake-eating all at once.

5. Marlboro
Instrument of Evil: Testosterone

With enough helicopter shots to make Michael Bay weep, combined with the manliest-looking cowboy on the planet overlooking a beautiful landscape, Marlboro suggests that you — YOU — could be this man.

4. Lucky Strike
Instrument of Evil: Success

So, basically smoking Lucky Strike means you’ll have a beautiful home, a loving wife, a hot pot of coffee — and a fresh suit? Sign me up.
3. Camel
Instrument of Evil: Art

Sure, the guy looks a little bit too much like Dr. Steve Brule to be considered hip — but the artistic imagery combined with the (most likely) then-awesome heavy electro beats makes this guy’s exciting journey for a Camel totally appealing. Zebras! Panthers! Waves! Camels.

2. Peter Stuyvesant
Instrument of Evil: Sports

Here are some activities that you cannot do as a chronic cigarette smoker: Ski, swim, dance, jog, laugh heartily.
Here are some activities that people are doing in this commercial: All of the above.

1. Winston
Instrument of Evil: Cartoons

You know who loved the The Flintones? Kids. There is nothing more evil than using cartoons to sell cigarettes. Imagine this in the 21st century. You think little boys and girls everywhere would be inclined to buy a pack if they saw Dora and Diego deucing a smoke? Hell yes!



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