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14 MALE STRUGGLES THAT ARE DEFINITELY REAL

As men, it’s unfashionable to complain about our bodies. But we, too, have our crosses to bear. Yep, it may come as a surprise to many of you, but we’re basically just like women, except we keep it all inside. Here are a few of our common struggles that prove we also bleed.

1. Shaving your balls requires surgeon-like precision.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, shaving balls
Let’s be real: Ball hair is gross. It makes your bag look like an aging porcupine with cancer. But when the time inevitably comes to shave it, one must treat his sack like Ben Carson with a scalpel. One nick, and it’s all over.

2. That cute girl we find on OKCupid is usually a fat guy who works for OKCupid.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, okcupid personnel
Free dating sites aren’t free. Zoosk. POF. Christian Mingle. As guys, we know that the once-in-a-lifetime babe we snagged and converse with nightly is probably a guy. He sucks you in with sweet nothings only to disappear when things get heavy. It should be illegal. God, I miss him.

3. You can’t tell a person you genuinely like kids.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, jared fogle
In today’s ultra-paranoid world, if you mention to someone that you like kids, they’ll immediately think you’re a pedo. Even dads know that when they take their daughters to a park, they’ll likely be the recipient of brooding stares. Tony Montana likes kids, so why can’t we?

4. When our penises touch the toilet seat.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, man on toilet
One moment, you’re peacefully taking a poo, the next you’re dreading AIDS, herpes or some kind of hep. It happens all the time, and when it does, your day is ruined.

5. You can’t order that blue drink at the bar because of “the implication.”
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, blue drink alcohol
Those blue drinks are damn delicious. But you can’t walk around with one inside a bar or else people will think you’re either batting for the other team or plain creepy. And that’s sad, because mojitos are also good.

6. Wiping to no avail, a.k.a. “peanut butter butt.”
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, peanut butter
Sure, I’m confident that women also experience peanut butter butt — the never-ending quest to wipe your ass totally clean — only to fail. But men have to deal with clumps of hair. That makes things infinitely harder. Rafi from “The League” described it as “wiping peanut butter out of a shag carpet.” Not sure where all these peanut butter analogies are coming from, but they’re accurate.

7. Whiskey dick.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, whiskey dick
The cause and treatment of whiskey dick should be documented in scientific journals, because it afflicts approximately 75 percent of dudes. It’s a strange paradox that when guys are at their charming best (drunk), their penises are at their utter worst. Whiskey dick: it’s essentially erectile dysfunction, and equally humiliating.

8. Summoning every bit of mental discipline NOT to smell your fingers after you scratch your balls.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, george bush smelling finger
Ladies, we’re disgusting. But we’re animals, too, and it’s almost like a dog sniffing his own. I don’t do it personally because I’m better than that. I don’t, really (what, did someone tell you something?). Anyway, I would say it’s a first-world problem, but something tells me third-worlders scrape up some zesty fresh.

9. Trying to figure out women.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, female brain
Trying to figure out women is like trying to figure out quantum mechanics as a special needs child. It’s impossible. Mel Gibson couldn’t do it in “What Women Want,” so where’s the hope? Best to just nod and tell them they’re right.

10. The emasculation of calling up a real man to fix your TV.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, tv repairman
Going to the auto mechanic is especially disheartening, too. There you are, trying to explain to the rugged, leathery, alpha-dog grease monkey that you hear a slight ticking sound coming from your engine when you drive. Your voice cracks while you speak and your balls shrivel up to the size of pellets in his presence. He opens the hood only to find that you left your cap off the last time you changed your oil. He looks at you like a disappointed father, and you feel lonelier than ever on the ride back home.

11. We know that most of us will end up like Clint Eastwood in “Grand Torino”: alone, bitter and drinking Pabst on our front porch.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, clint eastwood gran torino
Louis C.K. dubbed it “that forever lonely,” and a huge chunk of us guys feel like it on the regular. We know that our Golden Years will be filled with drinking warm beer, grimacing at Hmong gangsters in our neighborhoods and wondering when the hell we’re going to die. It’s true, so don’t shoot the messenger.

12. Premature ejaculation & public boners.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, premature ejaculation
Both go hand-in-hand and have to do with a shameful lack of self-control. It’s estimated that 30 percent of guys suffer from premature petering; the other 70 percent desperately hold it in like a levee during Hurricane Katrina. As for public boners, nothing is more frightening than wearing tight pants and feeling a swell coming on.

13. Three streams of pee.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, may your aim be with you toilet lid
You walk into the bathroom with high hopes to take a nice, refreshing piss. The next thing you know, you’re spraying the walls like a rogue fire hose. Malfunctioning piss pipes happen — usually after sex or masturbation — and since almost every guy masturbates at least once a day, three streams of pee is a daily occurrence.

14. Most dudes in porn have iguana-sized banana dongs, setting unrealistic expectations.
male struggles that are definitely real, common man problems, unrealistic penis expectations
Where’s the equal opportunity employment in the adult entertainment industry? It’s penisist, I say!

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