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I’M TOO SEXY FOR THIS BUTT TASSEL.

14 Totally Impractical Lingerie Items You Can Buy

Kristin and Leo discuss crazy lingerie from a variety of retailers.

Leo: Much like cats that play with toys, lingerie requires suspension of disbelief. If you can put on crotchless panties and pretend like that is a normal thing, then by all means, get thee to a Victoria’s Secret.
Kristin: Look, lingerie is great and a lot of fun, but I feel like the average person is going to have a much harder time pulling off a rainbow fishnet body-stocking than say, a model. I think there is a difference between “sexy” and “laughably distracting.”

1.Open-Cup Lace Bralette, Fredericks of Hollywood, $32.00

Kristin: This is not a bra, this is a diorama for a science project about boobs.
Leo: I feel like Regina George had a hand in this design.

2.Levrette Panty, Kiki de Montparnesse, $65.00

Levrette Panty, Kiki de Montparnesse, $65.00

Leo: Panties with built-in porn. Now that’s innovation.
Kristin: Oh THAT’S what sex is. I have been wondering ever since I was 8 and went to my first Michael Bolton concert but this really clears things up, thanks, panties.

3.New Banded Tassel Naughty Knicker, Frederick’s of Hollywood, $28.00

New Banded Tassel Naughty Knicker, Frederick's of Hollywood, $28.00

Kristin: I don’t personally feel like my butt needs wind chimes, or really anything that makes discrete farting an impossibility.
Leo: If you pull down on the tassel, does a lamp turn on or something?

4.Cutout Cheeky Undie, Free People, $14.00

Cutout Cheeky Undie, Free People, $14.00

Leo: Isn’t the purpose of a boy short to have coverage?
Kristin: 3/10, needs to look less like a mouse has been slowly eating through them.

5.Pastease Pasties, Nasty Gal, $10.00

Pastease Pasties, Nasty Gal, $10.00

Leo: Drug jugs!
Kristin: I don’t like to wear anything where I feel like I only have one shot to put them on correctly or else I ruin them. This is underwear, not the moon landing.
Leo: I don’t fear putting them on, I fear taking these off.

6.BlueBella Sasha Fringed Bodysuit, ASOS, $68.00

BlueBella Sasha Fringed Bodysuit, ASOS, $68.00

Leo: Oh look, it’s from the Cousin It Midnight Fantasy collection.
Kristin: “Do you love when you’re on top of someone, and your hair gets all in their face, but you yearn for something more inconvenient? THEN WE HAVE THE GARMENT FOR YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU.”

7.BlueBella Unwrap Me Body Bow, Asos, $29

Leo: SURPRISE! I got you this sexy wedgie!
Kristin: Your grandma who is always saving everything would be really pissed that you went and bought a brand new ribbon just for this.
Leo: This is a total nightmare for anyone who is not good at wrapping presents.

8.Tie Me Up Hollywood Naughty Knicker, $22, Frederick’s of Hollywood

Tie Me Up Hollywood Naughty Knicker, $22, Frederick's of Hollywood

Kristin: What does this Craigslist ad look like? “Woman seeking special someone to tie me to my underwear”?
Leo: You can’t put it on yourself. What if you put it on in the bathroom? How would you get out? You’d have to like, call a “time out” on sexytime to get your partner to help you out. OK NOW TIME IN!
Kristin: And after someone finishes tying you up, what do they do? It’s not like they can spank you, because your goddamn hands are in the way. What if your phone rings? What if you fart on your hands?

9.Floral Lace Lounge Set, $39.99, Lingerie Diva

Leo: I fully approve of this outfit. It looks simple, comfortable, and most importantly, ready to go should Soul Train come back on the air.
Kristin: New rule: Pants that double as underwear should never be long enough to potentially trip over.

10.Stars and Stripes Teeny Weenie Monokini, Yandy, $12.95

Via yandy.com

Leo: Subtle elegance.
Kristin: OK but how are the flag parts staying directly on her nipples? I call bullshit on your physics, sexy flag onesie.

11.Drape Chain Crotchless Thong, Lingerie Diva, $9.99

Kristin: Do you think anyone’s ever gotten caught in that?
Leo: [In disgust] Annngggawwwwwww.
Kristin: I think it’s a fair question!
Leo: So, this is dry clean only, right?

12.Rainbow Stripe Mini-Stocking, Lingerie Diva, $17.99

Leo: Every man’s Rainbow Brite fantasy, FINALLY fulfilled.
Kristin: This is one of the products they recommend to you after you buy “The Complete Lisa Frank Sticker Collection.”

13.Lacy Micro-Mini G String Thong, Etsy, $9.99

Lacy Micro-Mini G String Thong, Etsy, $9.99

Leo: What is this? Underpants for ANTS?
Kristin: If they gave awards to underwear, this would be the pair that only gets a Participation Ribbon. Like, “Congratulations, you did the bare minimum required to be legally considered underwear.”

14.Crotchless Tuxedo G String, $9.89, Lingerie Diva

Crotchless Tuxedo G String, $9.89, Lingerie Diva

Leo: I suppose if your vagina has a black tie-only dress code, this is actually quite appropriate.
Kristin: I feel like if you glanced down during sex, you would ask yourself, “Why does it look like I’m fucking Mr. Monopoly?”
Leo: Go directly to jail.

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