15 Dates From Hell Even Satan Can’t Deal With

15 Dates From Hell Even Satan Can’t Deal With

Navigating the dating world is risky business, especially with all the dating apps people use these days.

You never really know who you’re about to go out with, they could be perfectly normal or they could literally Be a demon spawn who wants to take you mini-golfing (ugh).

No matter what happens, remember these people are in dating hell with you.

1. rlw0312 tries to split the bill.

I went out for dinner and a movie with a guy. I tried to chip in money at both, but he insisted that he cover it all. At the end of the night, we’re sitting in his car in the parking lot of the restaurant we had just eaten at, and he asks for a BJ saying “I mean, I bought you dinner and took you to a movie, it’s the least you can do”. Thankfully I lived nearby, I hopped out and walked home.

2. notorepublic loses her sweater.

Percolate Galactic christmas sweater percolategalactic GIF

I went on a Tinder date with a guy who is now in my contacts as “Donotanswer Penispic.” Prior to the date he seemed normal. We texted and talked on the phone then arranged to meet at a restaurant/bar. He was cute but definitely bitter about something. He was from California and apparently didn’t like this new city we were in. He started talking about sex and blow jobs and complaining about how uptight everyone here is about sex. He invited the waitress to a party his company was throwing, after sending back the French fries he ordered. I showed him a picture of my dog on my phone; he took out his phone and showed me a picture of his penis. We walked out of the restaurant together to get our cars from the valet. My car came first and I left. He texted me later that he had my sweater (apparently I dropped it on the way out) and if I wanted to see it again I’d have to hang out with him. RIP, sweater.

3. filmpster goes on a wild ride.

I went on an online date with this guy when I first moved back home from college…

We met up and I have a habit of telling my parent “i’m going out, I’ll be back later” w/o specifics, etc. Anyway, this time, she says “just be careful and if he can’t drive, get out the car.”

We were en route to our first destination and it was closed. So, he asked me where I wanted to go and I said, “Hooters and bowling.” I know, keep it classy right here.

His driving was so reckless… I mean, REALLY bad. Anyway, we ended up going across town because he wanted to take me to this one place. By this time I’ve determined I’m not into him and I want out, so I just go along with it, maybe we can be friends, right?

His breaks give out and we end up having an accident. We ran into the back of a truck pretty hard and I jerk forward, glasses flying off. After the smoke settles, when I’m nervous, I start laughing. He asks if I’m okay, I said sure and I’m looking for my glasses and he goes, “oh this is bad, really bad.” So, I said “Why? No insurance?” He says, No, I have a warrant for my arrest He gets out the car and runs. As he’s running into the sunset, he’s yelling back at me “i’m really sorry, I can’t afford to go to jail again.”

The person we hit, leaves. So, I’m the only one there and police show up. I had to call my parent to come pick me up because I have no friends in the area and of course, I gave the cops his info. I knew I wasn’t going to talk to him again. The police gave me a ride to a gas station across the street as I was waiting for someone to pick me up. I leaned back, took a picture in the cop car, posted it on Facebook and tagged him in the picture. Somewhere in between the running he found time to get on Facebook and block me.

Bad part about not just the accident, I didn’t even get a chance to enjoy Hooters and wings.

via shutterstock

4. DFTBAwesome meets her soulmate.

I was really young, probably about 15 or so. I was boy-crazy. I had a crush on every guy who even remotely expressed an interest in me, but this guy…there are no words to describe this guy. His name was Jesse. We met through a mutual friend, and while he wasn’t exactly my type, he told me he thought I was pretty and so, I wanted to give him a chance.

A couple weeks later we decide to meet up at the mall for our first official date. He was very sweet, we were holding hands, you know typical teenage bullshit. But then he got weird. VERY weird. We’re sitting on this bench and he turns to me and stares at me right in the eyes and says “Wow, when I look at you, and I look into your eyes I feel like I’m looking into your soul.” Okaaaaay. I’m fifteen and desperate for an epic love story so I just smile. He goes on “DFTBAwesome, I know this seems soon but…I think you might be my soulmate. I can’t wait until the day we can get married, and have babies and live together. We’re going to have such an amazing life together”

So let me recap. I’m fifteen, I’m on a FIRST DATE, and my date just essentially proposed to me. I noped the fuck out of there and never talked to him again.


5. ProtoJazz wipes the fuck out.

Finally, a place to tell this story. I had a very disappointing date in highschool. It was the dead of winter. Like – 40 Celsius. We had gone to a movie, and the whole thing was really awkward. She didn’t really seem to want to be there, was very detached. After the movie, and the bus trip home, she admitted that the only reason she even agreed to the date with me is because my friend had turned her down a few days earlier (I wasn’t aware of that at the time) That a pretty big let down and waste of time. But I figured whatever, I’ll head home, and find something else to spend time on, I’ll get over it eventually. I got off the bus and just wanted to get home as soon as possible. At the bus stop there is a thigh high railing around the front of the nearby parking lot, instead of walking around it, I decided to step onto, and then over it. The second I stepped onto it, i realized it was coated in ice. I Charlie browned the fuck out. Just flipped through the air. Lost everything in my pockets. Ripped my pants from asshole to zipper. And then came down hard right onto the railing with my shin, fracturing it. It’s still – 40 out. I can’t just lay there till help comes. So I fish around in the snow, grab my stuff, try to stuff my balls back into my pants, and stagger home.

6. BEST_NARCISSIST gets kinky.

 yes reactions sex horny kinky GIF

met her in a adult soccer league. Asked her to grab breakfast that weekend, she accepted. Picked her up, took her to a hole in the wall diner, ordered the garden omelet. Throughout the meal she talked about all the shit she was in to. Breath play, being dominated, being hit (but not too hard), whips and cuffs. As Kevin Hart would say, she was getting too kinky too fast. Got the check, realized my wallet was in my gym bag from the night before. I apologized, she paid for us both, and i took her back to her place. She invited me in, and I couldn’t refuse as she had just bought me a meal. An hour later, after the dirtiest sex of my life up to that point, we were lying in bed when she gets a text and panics. “Oh my god, you have to leave! my boyfriend got off work early and if he finds us he’ll kick me out!” This if the first i’m hearing of a SO, and I realize that I just fucked a chick on her boyfriend’s bed after she bought me breakfast with money he gave her. Fuckkkkk. So i throw on half my clothes, jump into my car, and knock over the mailbox in my rush to get the hell out of dodge. When I get home, I see that my rear bumper has a nice new crack. TL;DR Took girl out for breakfast, forgot wallet, had too-kinky sex, found out she had a long-term boyfriend, damaged my car in my getaway, and now she keeps texting me.

7. go_so_loud goes out to dinner.

This is a post I shared in a different thread:

I went on a date with a girl from OkCupid. It was latish (about 9 p.m.), and she sent me a message out of the blue. We talked for a while, and she wanted to meet up with food. I hadn’t had dinner yet, so I agreed. We were to meet up at a local diner. Her profile picture was reasonable. Not my typical type, but not awful. What showed up, however, was not great. She was about 5′ 2″ and somewhere between 190-210lbs. Rotund is the best word. That would have been fine if she wasn’t…. Toadish? I’m trying to be nice here. That would have even been ok, but it wasn’t just her. She had brought her friend along (a 16 year old; I was 22; She was 20). To compound that, her friend had brought her toddler along. Oh, and her friend brought another friend. So here I am with 3 girls and a toddler that I don’t know. All three of the girls had brought Monster energy into the restaurant with them. We sat down at the table and it just went downhill from there. The toddler ran out of juice in her sippy cup, so the mom filled it with monster. She then let the toddler play with the sugar container (one of the “shaker” style ones. Big cylinder with a little flappy thing). She promptly poured sugar all over the table and started licking it up. Meanwhile, all the girls are laughing at the toddler and having a great time. They’re talking amongst each other and not even attempting to include me in the conversation. After about 5 minutes of them ignoring me, they started talking about guys from high school. Long story short, I ate half a chicken sandwich, excused myself, apologized to the hostess/waitress for the mess and the awful people, left a $50 and got the hell out.

Edit: Obligatory, “Thanks for the gold, stranger!”. May you never go on a date as awful as mine

8. Rocktopus_PhD IS the bad date.

I was on a first date with a girl I had met through doing some community theatre. We’d gone to the movies to see “Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs.” Before the movie, we were chatting and slowly realizing that it definitely wasn’t meant to work out. We just had too many conflicting interests and opinions. It made the experience incredibly uncomfortable, especially because we started lightly arguing over things like politics and religion. I was young and I was an idiot.

Anywho, before the movie started I texted another friend of mine to tell her (the friend) how terribly the date was going. And then I heard that fateful sound. Immediately after clicking “send” on my phone, my date’s phone chimed. She pulled it out of her purse and read whatever text had come in. She then slowly turned to me and asked…

“Did you MEAN to send that to me?”

I immediately realized and explained that I had just opened up whatever the most recent message in my inbox was and replied to that, with the intention of texting my friend. Or perhaps I’d clicked the wrong name in my contacts list (they both were the only names beginning with M in my phone.) Needless to say, she was pretty upset.

I explained that, despite our differences I really enjoyed her company. I really did, because she was brilliant and beautiful. Certainly out of my league. So we continued the date as friends which was more awkward than we had anticipated.

After the movie, we went our separate ways. When I got back to my apartment, I texted that same friend again about how that date was incredibly uncomfortable and I doubted that there would be a follow up.

My phone chimes

“You sent it to me again.”

via shutterstock

9. Breakfast27 gets two for the price of zero.

I’ve got a couple:

Meet a guy from OKCupid. He seems nice, but never stops talking. After interrupting me for the 3rd or 4th time, I finally ask him “do you want to hear anything I have to say?” He apologizes profusely, says “you’re right, I’m so sorry!” and pulls out a pad of paper and a pen. He then jots notes as I’m telling him about myself and whatnot. I finally ask him what he’s doing and he says “oh, I’m writing down things I want to tell you when it’s my turn to talk again.”

Met another guy from OKC. He knowingly used pictures that didn’t accurately reflect the way he looked and kept saying “you look just like your pics!” in shock. He then told me I reminded him of his mother… Like it was a good thing.

10. Tad363 accidentally dates a racist.

 watching do not want i see you look at me al roker GIF

I’m walking down the street just finishing a conversation on my old ass, craptastic, flip phone. Just as I’m hanging up, wham, I bump into someone and drop my phone. I apologize, grab my phone, and head back to work.

ten minutes later I get a phone call: Hey, I think we switched phones by accident.” Turns out the girl I bumped into had the same phone as me. Anyways, we plan to meet at a local coffee place after work that day to trade back. I walk up and see this very cute ginger wearing a suit dress. We chat for a bit: turns out she works at a bank, likes what I like, and is totally up for getting dinner this weekend! Great!

Saturday evening rolls around and I swing by her place to pick her up. Out her door walks a girl who looks remarkably like said date only instead of professional office clothes, she is wearing 4 inch platform ho boots, fishnet stalkings, some sorta corset like top and and spiky hair.

Now normally I don’t really care about a person’s style, but I was bit taken aback. “Who cares” I think and jump out to open the door.

Cue witty banter.

Everything is going great! Shes laughing at my jokes and her humor seems to match mine perfectly. She asks what the plan is for the night and I tell her I’m going to take her to my absolute favorite high-quality dining establishment… and get her a Big Mack. Hell, if she plays her cards right, I might even supersize it. She runs with the joke, and even one-ups me. My spirits are high. She might have wild fashion, but this chick is cool.

We arrive at this nice pub in town and I turn off the car.

“What about McDonalds?” Legit confused look on her face…

I laugh and upon seeing her face stop in confusion. We head inside and order dinner. I have a scotch and she orders the biggest boot (this restaurant has glass boots) of bud light I’ve ever seen. The waiter comes over and takes our order. As he’s leaving, my date whispers rather loudly: I can’t believe they let his people in such a classy place. We should probably check our food for spit before we eat it.

Our waiter is black and has ears…

So I am beginning to panic. She continues her whispered commentary on the supremacy of whites all the while putting away an obscene (but impressive) quantity of beer. Dinner arrives and she makes a point of checking her plate for saliva. Waiter and I make eye contact and I like to think that he understood that I agreed with him that this girl was nuts.

So three more boots of beer later, she excuses herself for a bathroom break while I take care of the check. I apologize profusely to the waiter for my date’s conduct. Dude is a true gentleman: “Don’t worry about it man, there are all sorts of people in this world.” My date returns and we head out.

In MY car she pulls out a cigarette and lights up. Doesn’t even bother putting the window down. “We should go shooting out at my dad’s farm! What’s your favorite fun?”

I vaguely excuse myself from such activities and point out that it is rather later and time to go home. I drop her off at her house and she says: This was great, except for that ****** waiter. We should totally go get that Big Mac next time. See you soon!”

I flee.

11. ismelllikecoconuts finds a dreamboat.

Went on a date with a guy who seemed really cool. He used to race bikes until he landed on his head after attempting a jump. During the date he:

1) Told everyone we were on a date. Everyone.

2) Told me he wanted to kill his ex roommates.

3) Asked the waitress to make the date more romantic, so she brought out a giant ice cream sundae (meant for 2 people to share). He ate it all by himself, and spilled ice cream all over himself.

4) Bragged about beating the world record for the jump on which he landed on his head.

5) Kept asking me if I was a gold digger, because he makes tons of money and needs to protect himself.

6) Demanded separate bills (no big deal).

7) All 4 of his credit cards were declined. Asked me if I didn’t mind paying and he would get it next time. (not that there would BE a next time ever)

8) Told everyone that the date went “splendidly”.

9) Gave me stickers to his welding company as a thank you for paying since his credit cards must have some kind of error.

Edited to add the sticker I got for paying for my dates tab:

12. A since deleted user finds a stalker.

Wasn’t necessarily the date, which was bad on its own, but the fact that she hung out in my parking lot for two hours after she dropped me off “incase I changed my mind about doing something after dinner”.

13. ShamelessThrowawayXX has to call a taxi.

Made a throw away account just for this post.

I paid him $20 in gas money to come pick me up because I lived fairly far away and figured it was fair. I then paid $45 for dinner plus a $7 tip. Then I bought $25 in shisha to smoke hookah together because he loves it, but was out of shisha.

He then demands sex in almost a rapey way and I decline because it was a first date. I wasn’t even liking him enough to kiss him. He did this half-cry thing in which no tears came out but he was “sobbing”?

I ended the date there and asked to be driven home. He said he’d drive me home if I had sex with him. I ended up taking a fucking taxi home. I waited outside his house for two hours late at night waiting for the taxi. (That’s a whole other story of bullshit, Taxi company every 30min kept saying “we’ll be there in 10 minutes! Nope, 2 fucking hours….) Whole trip together cost me over $200 to have the worst date of my life.

14. Lil_Bear finds a maintenance man.

Guy told me he just recently got out of a long term relationship so he wasn’t looking for a commitment but asked me if he could be my “maintenance man” as he stroked his penis through his jeans.

15. IJustStoppedByToSay is kept waiting.

 homer simpson rock episode 19 season 16 16x19 GIF

He was more than three hours late, and was texting me telling me that he was 20 minutes away for two of those hours. As soon as he arrived he tried to tell me to leave the part of the venue/dive bar I’d already paid in to so we could go where he wanted, tried to start a fight with a friend I’d happened to run into, and called my aunt (who’d talked me into going out with him in the first place) a “cockblocking bitch”.

I just walked away from him after that last one, and we never spoke again.

–I waited so long because I liked the bands that were playing. I wouldn’t have stayed if I was sitting around doing nothing. He got there just before the last band finished, but I’d had about enough of him by then because he’d been telling me that he was on the train in the same place for two hours. We don’t live out in the middle of nowhere and he could have easily gotten a bus or tram the rest of the way in that time if there was a problem with the train. He never gave me a proper excuse but I didn’t really care at that point.


One reply on “15 Dates From Hell Even Satan Can’t Deal With”

I watched a movie about a hooker who got her boyfriend killed and my date started crying “because it was the story of her life”.

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