15 Husbands/Wives Share Why They No Longer Have Sex With Their Spouses
Sex can be a major topic in a relationship. These 15 AskReddit users share the reasons why they currently don’t have sex in their marriage. Some are sad. Some are shocking. Some make complete sense.
1. I’m done
I gave up.
We’ve been together since the mid 80s, so there’s that. I still find her very attractive, but she has 0 interest. Until last fall we were still doing it, but over the past four or five years it had gotten to the point where I could tell she was only doing it for me, and I began to feel as though I was essentially raping her. I never forced myself on her, but her lack of enthusiasm (to the point of curling up when facing me so I could not see or touch her breasts or vagina) made me feel like a total creep. I was frank with her.
She claims she wants to continue, but I just don’t believe it. If I made her dinner every night and she hardly touched it, over time I would get the impression she didn’t like my cooking. Why make the effort if it’s not wanted? That’s how I feel. So I’m done.
2. Extreme anxiety
My wife had a complete mental breakdown in 09 and can no longer work. She is diagnosed bipolar and has extreme anxiety. Unfortunately, one of the things she has anxiety about is bathing s it doesn’t happen very often. I love my wife, but the lack of hygiene combined with the added stress of taking care of the family mostly on my own means that I’m not in the mood very often. We’ve had sex I think once or twice in the past year.
3. Extremely ill
It’s been 10 years.
We had been married for almost 17 years and I’m 2007 my wife had her appendix burst and her dr told her she had a stomach flu and to go home and have some 7up and crackers.
So after a a few days home thinking it was the flu she then spend a week in the hospital, 2 trips to ER and a surgery about 4 weeks later.
She finally was all healed up from that and went in for a routine Mammogram and was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast cancer.
After the living horror show that is cancer with Chemo, Radiation and 5 years of hormone inhibitors she has no desire and the the few attempts we have tried have resulted in severe pain for days due to vaginal atrophy.
I admit at times it’s been hard but I love her to death. After 2 near death experiences. I can live with the trade off.
4. “Go buy a DVD”
After the birth of our second child, sex became significantly less frequent. When it did happen it was scheduled by her choice. Like meet in the living room at 9pm. (After our second child she insisted that I sleep in a different room).
All of a sudden I was hit with a dry spell and I told her I wanted some “lovin”.She preceded to tell me, “Go buy a DVD and take care of it yourself.” I waited about two months. Then asked her again. To which she responded with, “Go find a girlfriend. I don’t care.” Two weeks later I found she was having an affair. Divorce is currently in the works.
5. Low Testosterone
Low testosterone. It’s slowly taken away his sex drive and has altered him a lot physically and mentally. Our sex life ground to a halt a couple years ago, not long after we got married. However, we’re still happy together and in love and I’m supporting him through it. The desire for a baby seems to be giving him some of his spark back so I think we’re on the up ?
6. Sex is icky?
My wife decided 3 years ago sex is too “icky.” No discussion no easing into it. Just “Nope, not anymore.” Our marriage isn’t going well.
7. Needs some practice
Throwaway time. I’ve been needing to get this off my chest.
The truth: my husband is not very good at sex and shows no interest in improving in a way that will be enjoyable for both of us.
We had very different experience levels when we got together. I’d only had two partners, but one of the relationships was very long term. He’d had twice that number, but all of the relationships were very short term. So I knew what I enjoyed. He, it seemed, did not.
No problem. I could teach. I thought it would be OK for him to learn what he liked and what I liked and we’d mesh.
The sad truth? He doesn’t seem to like any of the things I like. Or maybe he doesn’t like sex. Or maybe he doesn’t like sex with me. Hell, I don’t know.
And I don’t care anymore.
Because he won’t do the basic stuff. I’m not talking about reciprocal oral sex (though there is that; I love giving and receiving, but guess which is the only one to happen?). I’m talking we’ve been married over five years and he can’t find my clit reliably. As far as I can tell, the only purpose of foreplay, to him, is to arouse himself. If I get going too, great, otherwise oh well. I’m pretty sure I could be a pair of disembodied tits (his fetish thing) and he’d be perfectly happy.
Needless to say, nothing even mildly kinky happens. There has been one thing I introduced that he did more than once, and he took it to such an extreme it was no longer enjoyable for me. Everything else–and this is only mildly naughty Frederick’s of Hollywood stuff–we’d do once, and then never again.
And in spite of all of this, I am the one expected to initiate. By which I mean, when I finally couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore, sex stopped. Completely.
We have had sex twice in more than a year, and even before that it was once every few months when I broke down and got something going in hopes that maybe a long break would make him at least pretend to care like he did early in our relationship.
For the record, I absolutely have tried Reddit’s “talk it out” bit. But you need two people to talk something out, and he will. not. talk. I mean, when I broach the subject of sex, zero words come out of his mouth.
Outside of the bedroom, he’s not a shitty husband. Not great, but not terrible. Still, the specter of having incredibly short, incredibly bad sex a couple of times a year for the rest of my life is depressing as fuck, and once the kids are grown, I am out of here.
8. Not fun
We spend all kinds of time with each other and we are super affectionate. But actually having sex just doesn’t have the same allure as when we were younger.
She’s still hot. But we only do it once every month on average, just because we’d rather connect in other ways.
When we do screw, it’s pretty nice though.
9. Sleep is important too
We have a two month old baby and I (the wife) have been going to bed by 8-9pm every night. Right now I’d prioritize sleep over sex 100% of the time. I’ve also got pretty bad post partum depression and anxiety and don’t want to risk getting pregnant again. He’s getting a vasectomy next month, so I’m hoping once he’s healed I’ll be in a better mental place to start thinking of sex again.
10. Getting older is tough work
Married 43 years we last had sex about 3 years ago. I don’t remember exactly. She’s got arthritis in her knees making it painful for her. Knowing she is in pain is a turnoff for me. I’m old enough that I really don’t miss it any more.
We are still best buddies and all that. For everything there is a season.
11. Sex = baby
My wife doesn’t believe in birth control and every time I have sex with her she get pregnant. We are up to five kids and I don’t want anymore. I’m holding out for her to let me get a vasectomy. I’ve even had a priest tell me that it’s not a big deal if I get snipped. It’s better than having 10 kids that I can’t take care of because I don’t make enough money.
12. That’s unfair
He’s only interested in oral or anal these days & to put it as bluntly as possible: I got tired of swallowing his come and taking it up the ass. We have two great kids and work together as a team in every respect, but he’s pretty much made it clear that he isn’t interested in normal intercourse. At all.
The thing is- I’d happily give an occasional blowjob. I just don’t think it’s fair to have to give him one on demand as often as he likes with no satisfaction in return.
When it got to the point where I started looking forward to anal sex because at least then I’d get off too, I knew it was time to just hang it up. (Plus, he had this habit of making anal sex last for an absurd length of time, and it starts NOT feeling good after a couple of hours- yes, hours- of having your butt penetrated.)
He got pretty upset about it at first, but he refuses to go to any kind of counseling about it. So after many many arguments I finally just cut him off cold turkey. He did make a few attempts at regular sex, but his heart clearly wasn’t in it, and he could barely maintain any kind of erection. Plus he had this idea that one time trying weakly to have regular sex earned him a couple of weeks of twice-daily blowjobs and anytime anal, and that just didn’t fly. I get that he was making an attempt, but the point isn’t to be willing to do something you hate just because the other person wants it (as much as I hated the frequency/duration/unfairness of everything else we did, I never hated doing those things).
The point is to please them by wanting to do it. And he simply isn’t capable of wanting that one thing so I can’t bring myself to do the rest of it.
The sad thing is, I’m sitting hear typing this and feeling guilty that I haven’t gotten him off in a really really long time and considering giving him a few weeks of what he wants just so I can feel like a good person again.
NOTE: In case anyone wonders, he’s not gay. I have plenty of evidence that he’s not: His porn viewing habits are all hetero. His occasional “wandering eye” is always directed at a cute female. His one stupid cheating incident was with a woman. And to clinch it, I have a very good looking gay office mate who made a drunken pass at my husband during a Christmas party a couple of years ago, and the pass was rebuffed very forcefully. The office mate even apologized to me and said he should have listened to his “gaydar” when it told him my husband was straight. I have no idea if that’s legit proof, but it sounded convincing to me.
13. There are other aspects to marriage
Married 27yrs. Still fit @54. Our differing schedules dictate we sleep in seperate rooms. Her sex drive was always lower , but I have learned there are other aspects to marriage besides just sex. We haven’t had sex now for over a year or so. I don’t mind. Don’t get me wrong , still get urges. If it’s strong enough, do what I always did as a 13yr old. Lol.. I question it at times, but we are still close. We crack each other up, hold hands when outside. It’s ok…
14. He has been so patient
hubby and I are going through a miscarriage. We havent had sex since the begining of Jan. We had a lot going on in Jan, then Feb I started bleeding and havent stopped. We are so frustrated. Worst of all was it happened 2 days before our wedding. I spent our entire wedding night, after the party curled up in pain and oozing blood (sorry). I refuse to do anything until this bleeding stops. Once it does I am booking us a weekend away to make up for all of this. Poor guy. He has been wonderful and so patient.
15. Infertility is tricky
Infertility killed my sex drive. Trying to have a baby is fun at first, but then every month that it fails it becomes more and more stressful and like a chore tbh. Then it worked! Then I had a miscarriage and my sex drive somehow dropped even more. We still have sex 2-3 days a month near ovulation time. But now the fertility drugs make my ovaries swell? And sex is painful, but we want a family. Good news is I tried a new fertility drug this month and I wanted sex. Turns out a side effect is increased sex drive.