15 Petty But Hilarious Reasons People Used To Dump Their Significant Other

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when the reason for ending a relationship is kind of minor.

But, the heart wants what the heart wants and you just can’t force yourself to be with someone who constantly smells like a hearty beef stew , no matter how lovely they are.

via shutterstock

1. thoawaydatrash becomes the Soup Nazi:

I used to find it hilarious and petty that the protagonist in So I Married an Axe Murderer didn’t want to date someone who smelled like soup. Then I met a girl who smelled exactly like beef vegetable soup.

2. dbagsunite…:

She ended every single text with “…”

3. spelunkerjones resumes being single:

He sent me his resume and cover letter to proofread and he insisted on using “&” instead of “and” throughout the cover letter because it was “faster” not to read the two extra letters. During the five minutes it took to talk him out of it, my ladyboner died.

4. SteelyKnives1Beast0 can’t handle a sparkly man:

Dude had these blue jean shorts and the back pockets were bedazzled. Not just a little, like the whole pocket. My attraction to them disappeared immediately.

via pinsdaddy

5. goblin_goblin dates a hammerhead shark:

She once told me that she was super insecure about the space between her eyes. She thought they were too far apart. I laughed, and assured her that they were not and that she was being silly.

Only, she sort of wasn’t. After she told me, that’s literally all I could see. Her eyes were further apart than average. Most people have one eye length’ish between their eyes. She must’ve had like 3’ish 4’ish?

I can’t say that was the only reason why we broke up. But when people ask, I always say it’s because we couldn’t see eye to eye.

6. Ultimater knows what’s in a name:

Having the same name as an ex. Yeah… one person with that name and they ruin all people with that name for me…

7. ShinyDisc0Balls dates a pretentious provolone:

She pronounced mozzarella with that horrible, overly Italian accent. Ugh

8. Travelingman1989 was 2edgy:

She just wasn’t goth enough… 4-26-2005

via shutterstock

9. HomeTownBoy will never buffet again:

She yelled at the waitress at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Because her plate of food was cold.

10. TheLivingEnd1884 eats Satan’s Skittles:

Back in my early 20s I dated this girl for a while, we got set up by a mutual friend and things started off just fine. She was the really sweet and pretty girl-next-door type. She came from a religious family and at first everything was cool and totally normal.

After a few of months, and after letting her guard down I suppose, she started to let things slip in passing that, in hindsight, should’ve been red flags. She never really said or did anything too overtly offensive, off putting, bigoted, or anything like that but moreso just made passive aggressive judgments; I guess I just chalked it up to her sarcastic sense of humor. Ex.: She’d say stuff passing people off as a bunch of sinners for not believing in God but would say she was just joking around and my young and dumbass self believed her.

Anyway, this went on for a while and the sarcasm started to wear thin and I was having a hard time justifying staying with her. Finally one night we were going to a movie and went to pick up snacks. I picked up a couple of boxes of Skittles and that’s when she gave me the final nail for that relationship’s coffin.

She gave a shocked ugh kind of a sound and went from chill to hostile and said “What are you doing? We can’t have those.” Totally confused at the sudden jump in tone I asked her why not and she said “That candy’s the devil’s candy.”

Obviously I had missed something since I never knew tasty fruit chews were from Beelzebub himself. For the next 10 minutes of waiting for the movie to start she explained how because they’re poor and unhealthy imitations of good and nutritious food it was a mockery of God. Or something.

Ok. Sure.

Cue the movie and a quiet ride back to her place to drop her off where I told her it wasn’t really gonna work out. On my way home I stopped and got a big ol bag of that forbidden fruit to stuff my face with and never saw her again.

Every time I have some now I can’t help but think of her and chuckle at my evil ways.

11. Fun_Sized_Momo CanT stanD TrEnDy TeXTs:

sHe tEXtEd lYKE dIZ.

I thought she was just too lazy to autocorrect. Turns out she did it all intentionally. Way too obnoxious.

12. 3boysdad caught a wiff:

Good kisser, feet stank.

via shutterstock

13. doctorbrue didn’t want him to get with her friends:

He started hanging out with some of my friends without me only a week into the relationship. I don’t know why it bothered me so much.

14. rachel226 isn’t fond of the rodeo:

He looked weird in a cowboy hat and man did he like to wear that hat

15. throwawayohyesitis needs a better smoocher:

He opened his mouth way too early on the way in for a kiss. Weird face.

Please wait...

And Now... A Few Links From Our Sponsors