15 Unfortunate And NSFW Sex Injuries That EMS’ Have Come Across
When sex goes right, it’s the greatest thing on the face of the planet. It keeps the stress away, feels amazing and is one hell of a workout. But when it goes wrong, it’s a fucking shitshow of insanity. Now, when I say goes wrong, I’m not talking about a stage-10 clinger from the night before that won’t take a hint when you don’t offer breakfast. I’m also not talking about someone who’s having sex like it’s the first time and it’s awkward AF. Not those, those I can handle.
It’s when sex turns to injury, that’s when it goes so horribly wrong, and you know what, it goes bad too often if this Reddit thread is to be believed. WTF is wrong with people?
I’ve filtered out a lot of the butt insertion stuff, because that was 90% of the posts. Enjoy what’s left.
“Had a gentleman and his lady come in after a romantic (drunken) night on the beach, mid-coitus he misjudged his length pulled out to far and rammed it into her leg causing it to snap in half. I have never in my life seen something so horrific and I’ve been an emt for 10 years. It was in the shape of a Z, completely purple, and swollen. So just remember guys we aren’t as big as we think we are.” – JohnnyJr69
“”I had a guy who shoved a screw driver up his ass so far the base was at the splenic flexure of his colon. He had to have a bowel resection. The surgeon thought it would be funny to send the screwdriver off to pathology. The pathology report declared that the specimen was unequivocally a Phillips screwdriver. Many keks were had by everyone involved in the case. Before sending him to surgery I asked him why he chose a screwdriver and not something designed to be put in his ass. Of course the answer was that he spent most of his money on meth and couldn’t afford such devices.”” – anonymous
“Medical student here. I met a patient on my GP attachment who was suffering from Sexual headache or coital cephalgia. It was actually very sad. Basically every time he orgasmed while having sex with his girlfriend he would get these splitting migraine like headaches lasting half an hour. It was obviously really upsetting for him and his girlfriend and he was describing symptoms of depression as a result. Treatment is Beta Blockers and apparently works pretty well. I hope he recovered.” – Dr-Unk
“Young man was allowing his dogs to lick gravy off his penis. He would apply the gravy by dunking in the can liberally and then sitting back to enjoy. He may have misjudged and sliced the bottom of his penis on the lid metal and was excessively bleeding (nearly to death) on his mattress rather than get help. His roomie called us… “ – c3h8pro
“Doing clincials for my medic a few years ago. I just got back from late dinner and the nurse who was being my preceptor, found me and she was all giddy and smiley. It was only weird because she had been cranky all day, and for some reason she was genuinely excited about something. She leans in close and tells me go to a certain room, and enjoy the show. So I walked into said room and sat in the corner after introducing myself as a student.
For about 15 minutes I listened to a mother tell her son to tell The doctor why his stomach hurt. Finally he mumbled “I put moms toy in my butt, and now it’s stuck” the attending not physicians naw dropped her excused himself to “order” X-rays of the Patients and abdomen. They scheduled him for surgery the next day, the next time I came in my preceptor showed me X-rays that were taken, the dildo was about 8inches long and about as thick as the kids spine.” – csgreen2K11
“One of my friends was an EMT. He had to respond to a call once for a guy who injured his penis. It turns out he was trying to fuck his cat and his cat wasn’t having any of it. He said that was the only time on the job he lost it laughing in front of the patient.” – MrMeeeseeks
“I am not an EMT or emergency room worker. But I did have to get my penis reassembled after a cat caught it moving under a sheet and assumed it should die. Least fun ever.” – Fevia13
“First patient contact ever in EMT school had a violently ill patient that kept vomiting neon green colored fluid. He denied any strange doings etc. and when the labs came back on the fluid it was largely urine. He then admitted that he and his girlfriend who was present had been engaging in some vigorous water sports. Great start to my career.” –Pottery barn_Pornstar
“Had a woman who shoved a lightbulb into her vagina, the muscle tightened just enough that it got stuck there.” – TopShelfPrivilege
“A couple come into the ER after a (presumably rough) night out. They’d gone back to his place, drunk wine on his bed, then started having sex. She went on top, and as they changed positions one of the wine glasses smashed and left a ~8cm shard in the guy’s arse-cheek.
Worst part? She continued to ride him for a number of seconds mistaking his screams for pleasure, and caused some fairly serious lacerations.” – King_tool
“Dude took mixture of drugs so he had one of those long lasting erections. Urologist wanted me to do a blood gas on it. Stuck him a few times in the dick and couldn’t get any. They had to take him to surgery to drain it.
Don’t mix Viagra and cocaine.” – forzion_no_mouse
“Not me, but my dad. I hopefully will have my own stories when I take my state test.
Any who, it was my dad’s first call. He had just turned 18 and had just gotten his certification as well as it being his birthday. He’s sitting at the rescue squad with his crew when they get paged out to a unconscious male patient. They make their way over there and my dad goes up to the door and knocks on it. He tries the door but it’s locked. A lady calls out from somewhere in the back of the house saying that she can’t unlock it because she is kinda tied up at the moment. So my dad and his partner wait for LEO to get there and bust down the door. When they finally make entry into the house , they go to the bedroom and see this gorgeous woman tied spread eagle to the bed, butt ass naked. Between the bed and the dresser (which is flush with the wall) is a man in a batman cowl and cape, nothing else on.
Of course my dad’s partner immediately goes to tend to the woman so my dad gets to deal with naked bat man. Come to find out, the guy had tried to jump from the dresser to the bed and knocked himself out with the turning ceiling fan. So my dad puts the guy on a spine board and in a c collar, leaves the cowl and cape on then transports him to the hospital. To this day we still have no idea who called it in. Either there was a Robin in the mix or there was a peeping Joker.” – spookiest_of_boogies
“Have you ever had a tongue-piercing get stuck in a clitoris-ring? Well, fun for the on-duty EMTs (us), not so much for the.. errhh.. “patients”. Heh.” – Pepsisinabox
