Dumb and Dumber Pull Over

As soon as you see those blue and red lights flashing in your rear view mirror, you start to examine everything in your life. “Have I broken the law? Do I have meth in the car?” Of course you don’t have meth in your car (hopefully), but in that brief moment you start to second-guess everything. The most important thing to do when you get pulled over is to relax and be polite. If you were speeding, don’t try to argue when you know you’re wrong. Now if you have a body in the trunk, honesty is probably not the route you want to go. To help you out of your jam, here are 15 horrible things to do when you get pulled over.

1. The Excuse
Everyone tries to justify their reasons for speeding or breaking the law. Here are a few that you should not use:

  • “Sorry, officer, my drug dealer said he would only be around until 11 so I had to hurry.”
  • “Sorry, officer, it’s hard to see the speedometer when I’ve been drank so much.”
  • “Sorry, officer, this prostitute I just picked up starts the clock as soon as she gets into the car, so I wanted to get the most out of it.”

2. The Social Network
As many Facebook likes as you’d get to post a picture of yourself with your arresting officer, snapping a photo and trying to post it to Instagram while he’s explaining why he pulled you over will not win you any brownie points. If you make the duck face while taking it, you’re automatically sentenced to 3-5 years in prison and rightfully so.

3. The Surprise
The officer is going to ask you for your license and registration. Odds are you’re going to have to reach into your pocket to retrieve your identification. What you do here is reach into your pocket like normal, but instead of pulling out your wallet, you pull out your middle finger and put it into his face. He will not appreciate this gesture at all.

4. The Vin Diesel
When the officer tells you that you were speeding, you slowly look at him and tell him this:

Fast and Furious, Vin Diesel

Then you rev up the engine and yell, “RIDE OR DIE!” If you want to pretend to hit your NOS button at this point you can, but he already gets the point.

5. Reverse Psychology
You know how sometimes you can tell a person not to do something in order to get them to do it? That does not work with law enforcement. For example, if you have a pound of marijuana in your trunk and you say, “Hello officer. How are you today? I have a pound of marijuana in my trunk.” The officer isn’t going to think you’re using reverse psychology and he’s probably going to place you under arrest. Don’t try it, but if you do and it works, let me know.

6. The Jay-Z
We all know Jay-Z’s hit song “99 Problems” where he tries to talk his way out of the accusations made by an officer, but one of the worst things you can do when a member of law enforcement approaches you car is start yelling out all the lyrics to the song. While the legal advice may be somewhat useful, lyrics like, “I’ve got Rap Patrol on the gat patrol/Foes that wanna make sure my casket’s closed,” as well as “Not too long ago/A nigga like myself had strong-arm a ho,” could be considered confessions to crimes that you didn’t even commit.

7. The Peek-a-boo
This one never works out well. What you do is roll your window halfway down and every time he starts to talk you quickly roll up the window. Then when he stops, you roll the window down just enough to see through and whisper, “Peek-a-boo!”

8. The Mind Game
As soon as the officer pulls you over, get out of your car and tap on his window. When he rolls it down ask him for his license and registration then try to convince him that you pulled him over for speeding instead of the other way around. Odds are you’ll be tased before you actually get to the window so this is most definitely a bad idea for those wanting to remain tase-free.

9. The Mixed Signal
If the officer asks you to get out of the car and starts patting you down, a terrible thing to do is read into it like he’s flirting with you and to start rubbing him as well. More than likely he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend and will respond to this in a negative way even if you promise to add him on Facebook and keep the relationship light and playful.

10. The Stephanie Tanner
Most people will tell you the worst thing to do when speaking to an officer that pulled you over is to talk first. That is incorrect. The worst thing you can do is to talk at the same time as the officer and try to say all of his words along with him. You know how your little brother or sister would do that when you were younger and it would make you so angry? It still makes adults just as upset.
11. The Not So Bribe
Some people believe you can slip an officer some money and he will not give you a ticket. While I don’t condone or know that to be true in any way, I can assure you there’s another method that definitely won’t work. Go to shake the officer’s hand and slip him something in the handshake. When he looks down expecting to see cash, he’ll actually see a card with a link to your blog on it. He probably won’t be a new subscriber.

12. The Unnecessary Answers
When an officer asks you why he pulled you over, you don’t have to answer. If he asks you how fast you were going and you give a number, there’s no way you’re getting out of that ticket because you just admitted guilt. If he asks you why he pulled you over don’t start confessing to crimes unrelated to this incident. He doesn’t need to know about your illegal cable, the Spin Doctors album you pirated or how you smuggled an iguana across the border last spring for your cousin Ricky to sell at his illegal pet store. None of that is relevant.

13. The Passenger
If you’re alone in your car, this idea may come to mind, but it won’t work. Trust me. The concept is that the passenger in the car can’t be charged with a crime committed by the driver. So when the officer pulls you over, you quickly jump into the passenger’s seat and leave the driver’s seat empty claiming you just woke up and apparently Greg isn’t there anymore. Your only hope is that the officer is familiar with the show “The Leftovers” and thinks it’s happening in real life. I wouldn’t depend on that.

14. The Reversal
Before the officer has a chance to ask you for your license, ask him to see some identification first. When he shows you his badge, ask to see his license so you know it’s really him and not an imposter trying to rob you. If he takes out his license, look at the picture then back and him and say, “There’s no way this is you. You are much fatter than the person in the picture.” Then wink several times. You probably won’t go to jail for this, but you’re definitely not getting out of the ticket.

15. I Love the ’80s
You know that classic dance move where you stand next to someone, grab their hand and then pretend a wave is going through your arms, followed by you hoping they’ll let the wave flow through them as well? Don’t try to do that with the officer that pulls you over. Even if you turn on the “Dirty Dancing” soundtrack, it still won’t work.

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