Right now, there are over a billion articles discussing New Year’s resolutions. And they all suck (except for this one). If you had a bad year in 2015, consider yourself saved. I’ve included easy-to-implement resolutions that’ll make you a better person. Whether you’re an Internet addict or stuck in a cycle of perpetual misery at your job, pay heed. It may save your life.

Don’t care so much about your online popularity.
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Getting “liked” has become a currency of its own. It may make you feel good temporarily, but it’s fleeting. Whether it’s on Facebook or Reddit or YouTube, stop chasing the social media dragon and be happy letting your page go stale for a bit. If you find yourself feeling withdrawals the likes of a crack addiction, maybe it’s time to quit altogether.

Quit your loathsome job.
Life isn’t meant to be lived waking up in dread every day. A depressing fact about American life is that many of us hate our jobs. But we tend to put up with them due to either social influence or money. It takes balls of steel to walk up to your boss and throw in the towel, but if you’re tired of despising what you do, make 2016 the year to say goodbye.

It’s a bad economy — I know. But if you want to pay more attention to your personal happiness as opposed to playing it safe, you can do it (Hint: You don’t need a cushy gig to be happy). Know that your income and title mean very little in the grand scheme of your life satisfaction.

Drink less booze.
I remember the pride I had in my ability to down an entire 18-pack on a Saturday as a young adult. And if you’re a twenty-something like me, you’ve probably noticed your drinking skills have diminished over the years. Maybe you wake up on Monday after a gentle evening of Sunday football and want to kill yourself; maybe you get up for work on an average Wednesday after drinking a bottle of Pinot and feel like you have AIDS. If you’re getting to “that age,” know thyself. You might see the health of your body, health of your professional life and health of your relationships improve. You’re not the invincible drinker you used to be, so the next time you consider popping bottles on a weekday, be a boring adult instead.

Stop taking information at face value.
In light of the new Western tradition of huddling around social media waiting for the next huge story to hit, it’s become apparent that news travels faster than ever — and it’s often bullshit. Since the ascension of sites like Reddit, which rely on upvotes from regular people without any fact-checkers, the Internet has become one big rumor box. Remember to question what you read. Research yourself. We’ve become too ensconced in tabloid culture. This year alone we’ve watched numerous false news stories grip the public like a deceptive noose, so don’t be duped in 2016.

Click on only one Trump story a day.
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If you thought 2015 was bad, know that The Donald is a walking newsfeed. It may have been the Summer of Trump, but 2016 is gearing up to be the Year of Trump. For better or worse, he’s not one to quit. His antics will only get more amplified as the election nears. If you find yourself clicking incessantly on all things Trump, curb your habit.

Eat Chipotle only once a month.
It was a bad year for Chipotle. A lot of people got E.coli. Luckily for them, I’d still eat Chipotle if one in five burritos carried feces. That’s just how good it is. But it’s become an addiction. If Chipotle is wreaking havoc on your gut like mine, try to limit it to once a month. Like quitting nicotine or heroin, it’s going to be hard. But once you get the hang of it, your body will thank you.

Spend only five minutes browsing on Netflix at a time.
Netflix isn’t time-consuming; finding the perfect movie or TV show is. I’d wager people spend more time debating which movie to watch than actually watching it. Time is money. Personally, I think it’s a conspiracy. Netflix knows you’re going to toil over which vampire or zombie movie to watch, and they’re laughing all the way to the bank. Commit!

Throw away your cell phone.
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OK, not literally. Just unglue yourself for a bit. I’ve made it a point to leave my phone at home when I go outside, and I’ve noticed a difference. For one, you appreciate your surroundings more. You also appreciate your phone more when you do use it. Let the boredom wash over you in a beautiful way.

Stop witch-hunting.
Don’t jump on the bandwagon of hate. I mentioned previously that taking information at face value isn’t recommended. This extends to gossip news. “OMG he DID NOT say that!” “What a jerk!” “Let’s get him fired!” This seems to be the common refrain with today’s outrage culture.

Stop putting people you don’t know on your shit list. The media is thoroughly invested in stirring up controversy, and they want you to gossip until your tongue falls out. Don’t buy into it. The next time some sad soul’s face is plastered on the front page for saying something offensive, don’t join the crybaby brigade. Take a deep breath and move on.

Smoke less weed.
Or, if you haven’t smoked enough, light up.

Kill your vices.
Instant gratification is everywhere. It’s incredibly easy to feel sadness and immediately go for a wank. If it’s not a wank, then it’s a gooey Taco Bell chalupa. If it’s not a chalupa, then it’s a quick look at your iPad to see if anyone likes you still (see previous resolution). Dopamine is meant to be used sparingly. If you seriously want to be happier in 2016, feel the same in all its glory and get used to it.

Give your Tinder a makeover.
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The more time you develop your “bait,” the better off you’ll be. Let’s face it — people use Tinder to bone. Spend an entire afternoon taking the freshest picture, writing the coolest bio and build your “dating” resume.

Question whether making political points on Facebook is a good idea.
Do you feel the Bern? Do you stump for Trump? Even if so, no one cares.

Stop buying shit you can’t pay for.
We’ve become a nation of debt. In a macro and micro sense, we’re screwed, basically. From student loans to credit card debt to being China’s bitch, from the top to the bottom we’ve become unrelentingly irresponsible. Since financial illiteracy is at an all time high, let me make it simple: to avoid getting into debt, avoid getting into debt.

If you hate your relationship, fill in the blank.
Break up. There are far too many people who make fear-based decisions rather than growth-based decisions. Fear-based decisions include staying in a job or relationship you hate. Growth-based decisions include tearing off the Band-Aid to do something better.

Apply less Sriracha to meals (for the sake of your bum).
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Serious talk: Sriracha has become an addiction to many. While most people will probably attempt to quit smoking or drinking this New Year’s, a sizable number of folks will remain hopelessly tangled in that all-consuming web of Sriracha. For the sake of your colon, limit consumption to a bottle a week.

Life is short, just like 2015 was. Make every decision count.




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