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16 Passengers Who Are Definitely On The No Fly List Now

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New York Times bestselling author, Fran Lebowitz, once said of the easily offended, “Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house.” That quote has stuck with me since the day I heard it. I try my best to apply it to every situation where I find myself staring at the reprehensible actions of another human being. I say, “Yes, they’re repulsive. But it’s their right to be.”

But do those same rules apply when you’re stuck in a claustrophobic cylinder tens of thousands of feet in that air? I can’t walk away from your six-inch toenails on a plane. I can’t shiver and turn a cheek to you peeing into a 2L Coke bottle across the aisle. I’m stuck with you, you hairless ape. I’m not sure how I’d react, all I can do is hypothesize. But, at the very least, these hairless apes need to be put on a no-fly list. For the good of all things… good.

1. These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Look’ad’is! Look at it! These gad-dang heathens making a mess on this gad-dang plane. Seriously. Alarm bells ought to be going off in the heads of the the flight staff when a row of passengers forgoes the microwaved meal o’ muck and opts for 68 bags of pretzels. Karma will take care of the heathens, though. Their mouths are going to be drier than popcorn fart, I guarantee that.

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via Instagram / @passengershaming

2. The face of victory.

That, friends, is the face of victory. The face of a man who knows very well that this metallic, cylindrical people-mover is 50,000 feet above the Pacific Ocean with no conceivable way of landing, so he’ll happily stay lounging and shirtless for the next 10-hours.

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via Instagram / @passengershaming

3. I can’t help but notice there’s a large crack in this plane.

Do you know how much a return flight from London to Los Angeles is if you’re flying British Airways first class? Roughly $10,000. Now, imagine after paying 10,000 bones, sitting in your seat and just as the plane approaches cruising altitude, the senile geriatric in seat 1A decides now is the opportune moment to unclothe his body. A body that has had a long and disagreeable fight with gravity.

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via Instagram / @passengershaming

4. I can smell them.

I can honestly smell the smells rising from their alcohol-infused pores. Every time she fans her legs, she wafts her sweaty thigh fumes in my direction. He scratches himself and instantly I’m hit with the pungent aroma of whiskey and cigarettes. Let it be over quickly, dear God. Let it be over quickly.

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via Instagram / @passengershaming

5. The golem of feet

Jesus tap dancing Christ, what post-apocalyptic torture chamber did THIS to your feet, sir?! Your foot looks like a dirty mole rat. Your foot looks like it was sent to an Auschwitz for feet and then someone beat the everloving crap out of your foot so you’d spill some crucial information about the whereabouts of other feet. And if that did happen to your feet, that’s horrible. But even still, feet should never look like that!

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via Instagram / @passengershaming

6. I’m torn…

On the one hand, this ignoramus — this rapscallion of stunted intellect and deplorable courtesy — is using this other man’s table for his SECOND laptop. On the other hand, he’s watching Blazing Saddles. I mean it’s totally within one’s rights to tell the pleb to move the hell over, but to tell someone to turn off Blazing Saddles? That’s against all things right and pure.

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via Instagram / @passengershaming

7. We need to know the face of the person who did this.

Of all the unconscionable acts one could possibly do on a plane, this one has to be near — if not at — the top. What backwards, inbred haven of indecency and poor hygiene did you grow up in to make you think pissing into a 2L coke bottle was acceptable on any level? I pray you live through a thousand consecutive hangnails and three kidney stones, sir.

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via Instagram / @passengershaming

8. When the “my body, my choice” philosophy backfires.

Great frolicking snow geese, that’s a whole lotta woman. We need timeout cages at the back of the plane for these kinds of people. They’re a gross inconvenience to everybody around them. And worse than that, she clearly doesn’t care. What do you say to a woman like that? She clearly prioritizes her comfort above anyone’s opinions of her, which, oddly enough, is admirable.

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via Instagram / @passengershaming

9. Where will you be when the Xanax hits?

I’ve been there. You’re about to board a giant, metal air-bird and hurl through the skies, a mile up going 500 mph, and you start getting the sweats. So you reach into your carry-on, pop one too many Xanax pills. You wash it down with a warm beverage from the bar and proceed to order the legal maximum of alcohol once you board the plane. About twenty minutes later, give or take, you’re feet-up, spread eagle with a pool of drool forming on your shoulder. It’s not flattering, but it’s necessary.

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via Instagram / @passengershaming

10. Ruh roh.

When you have to start exclusively wearing sandals because your toenails are so long, that should exclude you from a lot of things in life, and planes ought to be at the top of that list.

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via Facebook / Passenger Shaming

11. Fishing for minnows.

Let me preface this man’s roast with a simple matter of biology, ladies. Men are genetically predisposed to have our hands performing actions at any given moment of any given day. For whatever reason, we’ve been programmed to always default to the penile region. In saying that, this passenger playing public pocket pool is wearing a hoodie. He could at least use the pockets Nike made specifically for this scenario.

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via Facebook / Passenger Shaming

12. You Entitled &*[email protected]#&[email protected]#!

At least with the last 11 photos, we could claim genetic superiority over those monsters. But this pseudo-bourgeoise princess, as she puts her gad-dang Kentucky Derby sunhat and dumb, hooker-y high heels she probably only wore for a couple of pictures to make her seem well put-together and respectful on Facebook but almost certainly took off after her second mimosa *GASPS FOR AIR* can’t be for real, right?

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via Instagram / @passengerShaming

13. Well, I’ve got time to kill, so…

I often wonder if some people stay indoors so long, they forget about there being social boundaries when among strangers. Like, they’ve been playing The Sims for so long, they start to socialize themselves to video games and not real life. So much so, in fact, that they have no problem airing out their undies on someone else’s seat

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via Facebook / Passenger Shaming

14. Shiver me timbers, this rustles my jimmies.

What’s the logic here? Oh silly me, we’re fourteen pictures in and I’m still debating logic. But seriously. They must be the same kinds of people that never flush public toilets and linger at buffets because, “it’s someone else’s job,” and, “we paid for it so we can do what we please.” I sure hope their passports are somewhere in that trash heap.

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via Facebook / Passenger Shaming

15. The tattoo says it all.

Here’s another random thought… what if all these freaks are trolling us? I like people who hold practical jokes for too long, but they’re on a whole new level. That’s what these people are doing, right? Because surely they’re not going out in public dressed like heavy-set adult babies and thinking it’s okay. Surely not.

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via Instagram / @passengershaming

16. Dammit, aisle-baby. People are trying to walk here.

The type of parents who place their tantrum-baby into an aisle until it calms down are the same type of parents who raise a child into the type of adult that acts like the last 15 adults have acted: deplorably.

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via Instagram / @passengershaming
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