There’s nothing like being a teenager –– hormones racing, acne forming, boners raging. It’s a time of severe confusion; one centered around girls and finding your next fix. Here’s a quick summary of what it’s like for every young whippersnapper.
If you went to dances as a kid, you know that there were two types of dancing –– slow dances and freaking. Freaking is still around in some capacity (notably clubs), but real red-blooded males stop going to clubs once they turn 25. However, there was once a time when freaking was akin to boner-rubbing. In fact, that’s exactly what it was. Only the luckiest little savages would get a grinding every now and again.
Like a solar eclipse, when it happened, the world stopped. Thong glimpses came at random moments, and every teenage boy was powerless. It’s like seeing a unicorn in a G-string for the first time. Every time.
Breasts. Boobs. Chesticles. As depicted in “South Park,” they turned newly pubescent boys into apes. Usually, one girl grows them first, and she becomes the most popular girl in school. Eventually, she turns into a tomboy because she was the center of attention. The “ah-tah” phenomenon happens for about one year. Then you become normal again. Well, as normal as a teen boy gets. The next “ah-tah” moment becomes cleavage, but that never really goes away.
That one teacher
Every high school has a quota which allows one hot teacher (I think it’s the law). This probably increases attendance rates, too. Every high school student and even ex-high school student knows about that teacher.
That one mom
There are moments as a teen when everything gets you horny. Age becomes only a number. The band Fountains of Wayne had a good take on this with “Stacy’s Mom.” It became a hit because it was so relatable.
Porn in the morning, porn in the evening, porn at suppertime
This isn’t news, but once puberty hits (unless you’re a Jehovah’s Witness), you become an addict to the pornographic arts. People born in the ’90s probably don’t have a clue about hiding DVDs and magazines under floorboards, and that’s sad. I truly worry about those kids. They don’t know how easy they have it.
This is a hobby that goes well beyond teenage years and into college. Drawing dicks is a time-honored pastime. Jonah Hill in “Superbad” only got to the gist of it. But it’s so prevalent among the youth that it’s surprising there isn’t a Freudian explanation for it.
Glitter on chicks
Not sure why, but the hottest girls wore glitter. It was magic fairy dust, and they knew exactly what they were doing.
The self-satisfaction of knowing a bra was successfully unhooked…with one hand!
There comes a time in every young man’s development when they have to learn how to unlock a bra. The unfortunate truth is that it usually involved a pillow and your mom’s sexiest lingerie, which is disturbing to say the least. That first girlfriend sat patiently while you fiddled like an idiot trying to figure it out. But when it happened, boy, what an accomplishment. Successfully unhooking a bra is a rite of passage into manhood.
What is it with redheads in cartoons? They’re all hot.
Your friend’s older brother’s magazines
If you grew up pre-Internet, you had a friend with an older brother who knew his way around the magazine stand. He would usually be cool enough to show you the good stuff while you panted like a wet dog in heat.
Your friend’s older sister’s underwear
Don’t deny it. You did it. We all did it. Best to come clean now. Everyone had one friend with a hot sister. Occasionally, in a moment of weakness, you would venture into her room and browse. If you were in the mood, which we all were as teens, you would let your perverted nature take over. No regrets, bros.
Discovering innovative ways to masturbate
I had a friend growing up who told me that he once drilled a hole in a cantaloupe. He shared it with a friend. Jason Biggs in “American Pie” was the ultimate loser who would actually screw a pie. We all laughed at him, but the truth is much more sinister — we all did it.
Discovering new and useful ways to get off was almost a creative endeavor. Much like building model rockets or participating in the pinewood derby, it taught us the value of thinking outside the box. I’d wager that there have been creations that could win a Nobel Prize, if only their creators weren’t so ashamed.
Discovering innovative places to masturbate
The key was to do it in such an unassuming place that no rational human being would guess that you just did what you did. “He was gone for five minutes for some odd reason,” they would say. “But there’s no way he masturbated behind that bush.” I knew a guy who actually told me that he rubbed one out on the gondola at a ski resort (his parents were on the one behind him).
If you had a girlfriend in high school (if you didn’t, that’s cool, too), you would make out with her everywhere. It didn’t matter — in between classes with a billion people walking by, in your car, on her dad’s bed. Making out was the shit. But, man, did it lose its luster after rounding third base.
Otherwise known as the Creedence Clearwater Revival of teen angst. Everybody loved it.
16 THINGS EVERY RED-BLOODED MALE WAS INTO AS A TEENAGER