17 Blind Date Horror Stories That’ll Make You Give Up Dating Forever

1. The drunken magician.

I was set up on a blind date with a magician. When I got there, he was very drunk. He asked me if he could borrow my ring to do a trick, which I obliged. He made it float and then made it disappear. It’s too bad my date never made it reappear. The jerk used magic to rob me! I tried to wrap up our conversation so I could leave and never talk to him again. He told me I was annoying, pulled out a strip of duct tape out of nowhere and taped my mouth shut.


2. The broken foot.

As I was crossing the street, I accidentally fell into a pothole and broke my foot. With all of the adrenaline coursing through my system I promptly threw up. My blind date was too drunk to drive me home, so I had to call my brother to come and get me. Keep in mind, I was one beer in and he was apparently multiple beers in. My date asked my brother to drop him off at his frat house on our way to the hospital.


3. The casual killer.

In the middle of the blind date, he told me he killed a man before. There was no preamble or warning, just, “Yeah, I killed a guy once” like he was talking about the weather. He also told me that he’d seen Bigfoot in his backyard and that the NSA was tapping his computer and that’s why he didn’t believe in the Internet. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.


4. The peanut butter licker.

My blind date did stand-up comedy on the side. He opened with a joke, saying: “Some men say they like their women like they like their peanut butter: smooth, creamy and easy to spread. But me? I also like my women chunky and being licked off by a dog, which could be you.” I told him that it wasn’t going to work, and I left. The bartender was outside having a cigarette break and told me I made the right choice.


5. The pizza principal.

My date admitted that he was still married but unhappy because his wife has postpartum depression and “blew up like a whale.” When he went to the bathroom, I got up and left.


6. The underground boner rub.

At the end of the blind date the guy insisted on walking me home. I insisted that we go our separate ways because I didn’t want to lead him on. He decided to give me a hug. During the embrace, he gave me a wet, slobbery kiss. He then got a boner. Instead of hiding it like a true gentleman would, he decided to rub it all over my pelvic region. Needless to say, we did not go out on a second date.


7. The complicated father.

While in line at Starbucks, he blurted out that he may or may not be the father of a newborn baby boy. Then he told me in great detail about a disgusting rash on his penis. That was enough for me.


8. The court order skateboarder.

My blind date rolled up to the bar on his skateboard. After we ordered drinks and food, he told me that he didn’t bring any money. I usually don’t mind splitting half of the bill, but he brought absolutely nothing. As we were leaving, he asked if I could drive him to court the next day. Obviously that relationship went nowhere.


9. The swim with the ducks.

I wanted to do something casual, so we ended up going to a park. He was horribly obnoxious. He went in for a kiss, and when I politely declined, he pushed me into the duck pond. I can’t swim, so a woman resembling Ruth Bader Ginsberg had to come and fish me out. The guy left and I had to walk home.


10. The wandering eye.

Throughout the entire dinner my blind date refused to talk to me. He then asked our waitress if we could switch tables because he wanted a better view of the Knicks game. I was humiliated.


11. The misogynistic elder.

My neighbor set me up with her brother who was 12 years older than me. He brought up politics and scolded me for being a feminist the entire time, saying it wasn’t needed anymore and women had achieved all of the equality they deserved. It was the worst.


12. The unsuspected spitter.

We were sitting near an open window at my favorite restaurant. A homeless man kept walking by, screaming incoherently at people on the sidewalk. My date kept laughing and said he was going to say something to the man. I asked him not to a million times. My date ignored my request and said something to the homeless man through the window, who then spit on my date. I have never been more embarrassed in my life.


13. The secretly hot boss.

I coincidentally went on a date with a woman who worked in the same field as me. She knew of my boss and went on and on about how hot she was. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I worked for my mom’s company, meaning my date was actually talking about how hot my MOM was for the entire date.


14. The unprepared ex.

My blind date showed up an hour and a half late on a Vespa, so we missed our dinner reservations and ate at McDonald’s instead. After that we went to a weird bar in Brooklyn where I paid for his three strangely expensive drinks and a plate of chicken wings and watched him hit on every girl in the place. When he asked if I wanted to have sex in a bathroom stall, I took a cab home. That was a date from hell.


15. The worst opening line.

I showed up for my blind date and the first thing he said was: “Let’s fuck and get it over with.”


16. The Jersey Shore text message.

I met my date at a coffee shop. After about 10 minutes of him talking about his muscles, I made an excuse to leave. I figured he got the message when I practically ran out of there, but 15 minutes later my phone started dinging like crazy. He texted me five pictures of his penis, next to his TV, DVD, and Wii controllers. He was blocked immediately.


17. And the braless mother.

The date itself was awful. I was so excited to go home, but we couldn’t because his car wouldn’t start. I told him I could get a ride from a friend, but he insisted he had someone coming. His mother showed up 45 minutes later in a nightgown without a bra. He ended up driving her home first, and I finally got home an hour and half after dinner. I think I jumped out of his car while it was still rolling in my driveway.


Please wait...

And Now... A Few Links From Our Sponsors